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Do comedians like yourself have groupies?
Anybody can have groupies. It just depends on what you define as a groupie and what you’re willing to do. I’ve definitely had beautiful women who say that they like my stuff, which is always nice. I’ve also had pasty, fourteen-year old, 300-pound boys say that they’re fans... and that truly is my type. No, I’m kidding. I really just want to have sex with fat cats. Literally, fat cats.
Can we talk about your most embarrassing sexual encounter?
I think that dumb people have better sex. Smart people like me, we think too much. It’s dumb people who have the best sex of all because they don’t think. They just straight-up screw. One time I was on a farm and I was making out with a girl, literally rolling around in the hay, and we didn’t realize that the hay was infested with ants and we ended up covered in ants.
What are you doing on a farm?
It was a kibbutz in Israel.
I recently cheated on my girlfriend while she was out of town for a few weeks. Now she’s coming home and I’m overcome with guilt. Other than confessing, what can I do to cope?
Um, be a man? If you cheated on your girlfriend, you don’t want to be with her, so break up. Confessing is for the person who cheated, not the partner. If you need to confess, break up with her. Cheating is usually a manifestation of something wrong with the relationship, not just pure, “Oh God, I've got to have sex with somebody else!”
My long-distance boyfriend and I have phone sex regularly, but now he wants to start doing it over video chat. I make it a rule not to have any naked images of myself on the web, but I still want to make him happy. Tips?
Draw flip books and send them via mail. So draw a flip book of what you fantasize about and then have him draw a flip book and send that back to you. It’ll take a little longer, but it’ll be worth the wait. And you only need one hand to flip a book.
Recently, my girlfriend used my computer, saw a bunch of porn sites in my browser history, and freaked out. Now she’s convinced that I watch all this porn cause I want to sleep with other people. How can I explain that watching porn is normal?
It’s hard for people to understand, but sometimes what you look for in porn is not what you're actually interested in in a relationship. Like, you don’t want to stick a coffee cup inside of your girlfriend, but sometimes you like the idea of seeing that.
Let me start over. First off, clear the browser. Second, there’s probably something to be learned about what you’re watching. If it’s something that turns you on, maybe you should be talking to your girlfriend about that.
Some people have a “Porn Verite” thing — if there’s a girl with fake breasts or a ridiculous outfit, it takes them out of it cause they’re very aware they’re watching a porn. What are your preferences?
I want to see the Dogme 95 of porn. The Danish film-school version of porn. No extra lights, slightly improvised, and only involving Danish people. I’d also love to see mumblecore porn. That’d be amazing.