Sex Advice From Nudists

Q: What’s the best way to pick someone up at a nudist event? A: You won’t have to worry about that.

By Nathaniel Page

This weekend, The Young Nudists and Naturists of America had a fancy dinner party at a loft in Manhattan’s financial district. Everyone was naked, of course. We sent our best endowed writer to check it out. 

Jerry, 40

Why are nudists better in bed?
Because they know their bodies, and they’re comfortable with them. They also know how to interact with people very easily.

What's the best way to pick up someone at a nudist event? 
Say, “Hi, my name is Frank... Sausage." No, just kidding. The best way to pick up someone is to give them a good hello, and a hug. And make sure that your quads touch. Then say hello and smile again. I think the person will get the picture.

I get easily aroused — sometimes for no clear reason. What happens if I'm at a nudist event, and I get an erection around someone I'm not attracted to, or worse, someone I am? 
If you're attracted to someone, you might just want to sort of stay there, and try and calm yourself a little, so that it goes down. At least the person knows you're interested.

How long do I have to wait before I asked out my sister's ex-boyfriend?
Six to eight months.

I am not a fan of women who don't shave. Nothing personal — it's just a preference. I don't want to go home with someone, find out she's unshaven, and then offend her. How can I meet shaved women? 
I think you should do it yourself. Shave her yourself.

I think it's really important for a young woman to learn about her sexuality. Is it weird to give my seventeen-year-old daughter a vibrator? 
Adolescents and teens can explore sexual things on their own. I think vibrators are best left for people who are much older.

I dated a professor, while I was in his class, secretly. He broke up with me, and now I've found out that he's dating another student of his. Should I report him?
I don't think you can really do anything about it. If the school officials find out, they might end up asking you questions, too.

I'm a married woman who's no longer sexually compatible with her husband. Is it better to have secret affair, and lie, or leave my husband and fuck up my kids?
Oh, wow. You're going to either have to do some heavy masturbating or invite a third person in with your husband's consent. And then maybe you can swing a little bit.

I'm gay man and I just found out my partner used to "date" older men for money. I wouldn't mind if he was broke and doing it out of necessity, but he was a student at a good college. I'd like to let bygones be bygones, but it's driving me crazy. What should I do?
You should leave the baggage alone. There's nothing you can do about his past. All you can do is invest in the relationship in the present.

Commentarium (27 Comments)

May 17 11 - 1:14am
lolwut

"Definitely fuck up your kids." Golden. This was probably one of the least-informative editions of SAF...but that one line makes up for it.

May 17 11 - 2:11am
unsexy ferret

you should be at peace with your penis!

May 17 11 - 3:18am
Ryan

Yeah wow these people don't seem too in touch with relationships or sexuality.

May 17 11 - 5:01am
nope

Indeed. Surprising that a bunch of nudists have such uninteresting views on sex.

May 17 11 - 4:04am
KC

I like Jerry's advice the best.

May 17 11 - 7:44am
Moops

"I dated a professor while I was his student. Then he broke up with me. Because I am a petty, vindictive bitch, when I found out he was dating someone else I decided to ruin his life. My question is, when I break into his house to commit suicide on his bed, should I slash my wrists or hang myself?"

May 17 11 - 7:46am
Moops

"Why are nudists better in bed? Because they look better naked." Really? REALLY?! You obviously are new to the nudist scene.

May 17 11 - 4:46pm
src

My thoughts exactly.

Mar 13 12 - 10:05pm
ted

I am a male nudist.... I love being naked in bed too. I am more comfortable and slower when it come to sex.....

May 17 11 - 8:23am
big mac

these guys are idiots

May 17 11 - 10:29am
MeWantNow

I want Jerry. Now!

May 17 11 - 3:36pm
moi

Who doesn't? He is so unbelievably attractive. (And 40!)

May 17 11 - 4:59pm
KS

I want to be the meat in a Eirik/Jerry sandwich.

May 17 11 - 11:51am
AMS2

"You could just present your dilemma to the girl that you meet. Maybe even in the first sentence, so that you know you're not wasting your time. "

Eirik wins.

May 17 11 - 11:58am
KT

Olya is just an idiot.

May 17 11 - 5:46pm
GW

Agreed! What's up with her picture? They couldn't take a better picture of her?

May 18 11 - 4:37am
Dee

She looks like she is sooooooooooooooo drunk.

May 17 11 - 4:11pm
oatmealshrapnel

I was under the impression that nudists were old hippies with sagginess that they didn't give a f- about. So pleasantly surprised to find I was wrong! These are the hottest men featured on this segment yet.

May 17 11 - 4:51pm
src

These responses are so awfully terse and devoid of any meaningful thought. Was there a language barrier, or were these people in cahoots to give the author the snarkiest answers? (and possibly fake ages)? You can pretty much see in their faces that this was an unwelcome interview.

May 17 11 - 5:39pm
LAP

"Most girls look better naked." False. Very few people look better nude than scantily-clad...All the mystery is gone (and the cellulite revealed).

May 17 11 - 10:50pm
Ber8

YUCK!

May 18 11 - 3:36pm
jill

how, exactly, did nerve discover who its best "endowed" reporter was?

jill
http://inbedwithmarriedwomen.blogspot.com

May 20 11 - 11:45pm
LLL

No one is concerned about "girls will take your erection as a compliment"?
Nudism is not about fucking and if I saw a boner in a non-sexual situation, I might be less than thrilled about it. I realize it happens, but the advice here is "play it cool" not "delude yourself that she appreciates your token of affection if there has been absolutely no indication of interest"

May 30 11 - 5:52am
ricochet

Both the questions and answers were remarkably idiotic. Fail.

Sep 07 11 - 7:21am
Cialis Rezeptfrei

Q2mFY4 Internet is written with the capital letter in a sentence, by the way. And hundredths are written not with a point but with a comma. This is according to the standard. And actually everything is very good!!!

Sep 07 11 - 7:22am
kaufen Generika Cial

gY6559 It`s really useful! Looking through the Internet you can mostly observe watered down information, something like bla bla bla, but not here to my deep surprise. It makes me happy!!!

Mar 13 12 - 10:20pm
ted

Sometimes I get erection at nudist event.... I was embarressed a first... But the gals and fellows nudist told me not to worry about it....But the more I enjoy being with other nudist. My penis stay limp..........