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Sex Advice From . . . Organic Farmers

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Matthew, 40

What can animals teach us about the right way to have sex?
Don’t limit it to one partner.

Is it ever okay to date a friend’s ex? Under what circumstances?

That’s a toughie. I would say yes, depending. If you’re just doing it because you’re dateless at the moment, and you’re like, “Hey, how about you,” that’s a bad idea. But if I think the person I’m going to spend the rest of my life with just happened to be hooked up with one of my buddies, it’s okay.

So it’s okay if it’s love and not lust?
Unless you’re the type to fall in love every day.

I‘m interested in a girl I work with. How can I let her know without crossing the line into sexual harassment?
Start by slapping her. Give her a good whap in the ass and see what she does. That’s a toughie. I’d say, “Let’s go out for coffee,” or whatever people are drinking these days. Then just see what happens. Just make sure there are two chairs, so she doesn’t have to sit on your lap.

What’s the best way to convince your partner to have anal sex with you?
In my opinion, I don’t think that has anything to do with love. I think at that point, you’d almost be saying to the person, “I don’t love you.” [Laughs] I hope I’m not coming off as a prude. Other people might say, “I’m in love, so flip it over.” I guess I’m making it obvious I’ve never done, or requested, the Charlemagne.

You call anal sex the Charlemagne?
Yeah. And if you want, on your website you can start calling it the Charlemagne.

Thanks, maybe we will.

Brooke, 32

Where’s the best place on the farm for a roll in the hay?
The big long grass in the back. Just not the hay. Hay is itchy and gets in the wrong places.

In Aztec culture avocados were considered sexual aphrodisiacs, to the extent that virgins weren’t allowed to touch them. Is there a place for fresh produce in your sexual toy chest?
Oh yeah, of course. That would be zucchini.

What can animals teach us about the right way to have sex?

Faster is better sometimes.

In the show The Simple Life, Paris Hilton tried farming in a mini-skirt. She ended up becoming a porn star around that time. What do you wear when you’re looking to hook up with someone on the farm, like Paris, say?
No make-up. There’s something about no make-up and a ponytail that just gets everybody going.

What’s the most common oral sex mistake men make? Women?
Men stay too long on in the same spot. You need to move around. You need variety in momentum and in area. As far as women on men, I don’t think there are any. I’ve never gotten a complaint, so I don’t know.

How can I politely turn down someone who responded to my personals ad? Can I just not respond? What if he/she makes multiple attempts?
Just don’t respond. If they’re persistent, then write a note that says thanks but no thanks.

What’s the best way to convince your partner to have anal sex with you?
There isn’t a best way. If somebody doesn’t want to do it, you should respect that. But the best way is just to play around a little bit with your hands and see if she’s interested.

Steve, 35

In Aztec culture avocados were considered sexual aphrodisiacs, to the extent that virgins weren’t allowed to touch them. Is there a place for fresh produce among your sexual toy chest?
Always. Especially strawberries and oranges.

What can animals teach us about the right way to have sex?
Do it often, and use your instinct!

In the show The Simple Life, Paris Hilton tried farming in a mini-skirt. She ended up becoming a porn star around that time. What do you wear when you’re looking to hook up with someone on the farm, like Paris, say?
My overalls. Nothing else. For footwear, boots. Women like it sometimes. Mine does.

Pigs orgasm for thirty minutes. What can human beings do to feel less inadequate?
Have more sex. Make it up with quantity.

Your partner wants you to talk dirty (or squeal like a pig), but you can’t stop laughing whenever you try. What do you do?
Concentrate. If you have a problem with it, you just need to concentrate. I’m ready to squeal, personally.

I never want to have sex without condoms, even though I’ve been in a relationship for six months. I don’t think anyone can be trusted. Is something wrong with me?
No. Six months isn’t long enough to trust anybody.

What’s the best way to convince your partner to have anal sex with you?
I don’t think there’s any convincing. When it’s time to happen, it’ll happen. Just test the waters.

Kevin, 33

Where’s the best place on the farm for a roll in the hay?
The carrot row. It’s got that nice soft top. Plus if you have to, you can exchange one long hard thing for another. Let’s say you needed two for some reason. Or even three.

In Aztec culture avocados were considered sexual aphrodisiacs, to the extent that virgins weren’t allowed to touch them. Is there a place for any other fresh produce in your sexual toy chest — beside carrots?
Try the diakon radish. There’s something about the name. The name itself is sexually charged.

Pigs orgasm for thirty minutes. What can human beings do to feel less inadequate?
Viagra.

Your partner wants you to talk dirty (or squeal like a pig), but you can’t stop laughing whenever you try. What do you do?

You keep at it. Try, try, try. You could just laugh like a hynea. [Laughs like an animal.]

Was that a horse?
Yeah.

Is it ever okay to date a friend’s ex? Under what circumstances?
If your friend has moved to a different state.

What’s the best way to convince your partner to have anal sex with you?
Take her for a roll in the carrot row.
 




Interviews by A. Leigh. Sex Advice From… appears on Thursdays. Have questions for the general public? Send them to sexadvicefrom@nerve.com.


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