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Sex Advice From . . . People Standing in Line to Buy an iPhone

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Joanna, 22

What can you tell about the sexual proclivities of someone who’d wait in line for twelve hours to buy a phone?
Not having slept with many of the people in this iPhone line, I would guess that the closer you get to the front of the line, the lower the skill set you’re going to find.

promotion

Is it ever appropriate to take a phone call during sex?
I was actually just talking about making a call during sex the other day. I think it would be fun when you’re having sex with someone who you’ve been with for years, for the two of you to call your friend in the middle of it and be like, “Hey, I’m on top of so-and-so right now. It’s going reeeeally well.” I think that’s an appropriate call.

How old is too old a photo to use in your online personal ad?
You have to be at least seventeen.

But I mean, how old can the picture be?
Yeah, that’s what I mean. I’m twenty-two, but I’d totally use one from when I was seventeen. I don’t care.

What’s the best way to pick up someone waiting in a line with you?
Oh my god, that’s incredibly easy. The ratio of guys to me here is sixty to one, so I just do anything. They’re reading a book, I ask them if it’s interesting. They’re playing ping-pong, I ask them if that’s interesting.


Ryan, 29

Is it ever appropriate to take a phone call during sex?
Yes, but not from your parents.

How can I deal with a lover who takes forever to orgasm?
Light slapping.

What’s the best way to use the iPhone in the bedroom?
On vibrate.

I’m dating someone out of my league. How can I not get dumped?
Buy them things constantly. Jewels. Cars. Firearms. Anything.

Is someone who will wait in line for hours and hours better in bed?
Generally speaking, they’re better. They know what they want and they’re willing to do what it takes to get there.

I’m on a first date at a restaurant. The food is taking forever and it’s starting to get awkward. What should we do?
Thumb war. Or any sorts of feats of strength, really. Arm wrestling, rock-paper-scissors.


Danya, 22

Is someone who will wait in a line for hours and hours better in bed?
They probably are not. The kind of person who’d be great in bed is someone who’s impatient and impulsive. I just happen to be here because I’m getting paid for it, by the way.

How can I deal with a lover who takes forever to orgasm?
Leave.

What’s the best way to pick up someone you’re waiting in a line with?
You can do what’s been tried right here several times today, which is to go, “Hi, can I have your email?” And just take it from there.

I’m on a first date at a restaurant. The food is taking forever and it’s starting to get awkward. What should we do?
Start kissing. Keep kissing until the food comes.

Is it ever appropriate to take a call during sex?
One of my friends did that once. I called while he was with his girlfriend, and he picked up because he said he thought it might be important. But if I was that girlfriend, I’d be mad.

How old is too old a photo for your personal ad?
If you’ve significantly gained weight — like, if you’ve gained a whole person, enough so that I can’t recognize you — that’s too old.

What’s the best reason to date someone ten years older than you are?
Money. No I shouldn’t say that. I don’t want to go on record with that. The, uh . . . the intellectual steam.

Reid, 29

How can owning an iPhone help me get a date?
Can it?

I’m asking you. Is there a certain type of girl who’d be turned on by it?
I mean, owning an iPhone would mean that you have $600 plus an extra hundred dollars a month, so: money-grubbing girls. And girls who like technology.

What’s the best way to use your iPhone in the bedroom?
You throw in a little Nelly, something with a lot of heavy beats. Then you know where to put it. At least, my girls would like that.

My new boyfriend is uncircumcised. I’ve never encountered this before. How do I give him a proper handjob?
You’re just pushing back a foreskin. It’s no big deal.

Another person in line: I heard when it’s hard, there is no foreskin.

Reid: Yeah, it pops out. But if, for whatever reason, if he can’t get hard, you can push it back and start that way.

Is it ever appropriate to take a phone call during sex?
What phone call? My phone tells me who’s calling. If I can see my phone from where I am and it’s like, oh shit, I’ve been waiting for that phone call for two weeks, I’ll be like, honey, we gotta stop.

Would you answer a call from your mom?
No. If it’s my mom, I’d call later. But if it’s a business partner, and he said he’d call back but he hadn’t called back for awhile, and he’s like, well, if you’re not there when I call back then I’m giving the job to someone else, it’s like, in the business I work in, as a freelancer, that’s the kind of work I do.

When putting together an online personal, how old is too old a photo to use?
Depends how young you can pass for in real life. I’m almost thirty, but I can pass for twenty-five still, so if I post a picture from when I’m like twenty-two, twenty-three, you’re not going to be disappointed. In person, you’re still getting the same goddamn person. It’s just this photographer got the right light.

Lately my fuck-buddy is not returning my texts. Can I ask her what’s up, or is that getting too personal and breaking the fuck-buddy code?
She found someone, probably, unless your relationship already had a code where you were both friends and fuck-buddies. But if she was just a fuck-buddy, then dude: Go get another fuck-buddy. If you’re living the lifestyle, if that’s the kind of lifestyle you have, where you don’t mind actually having someone that you have no type of relationship with, then why the fuck should you give a shit?


Elizabeth, 32

Are there any inappropriate places to look at porn on your iPhone?
Looking at porn on your iPhone at work is a no-no. Now, if you were going to go into the bathroom and do a little session in there, that’s okay.

What’s the best way to use the iPhone in the bedroom?
Music and the camera.

Lately my fuck-buddy is not returning my texts. Can I ask them what’s up or is that getting too personal and breaking the fuck-buddy code?
I think you should call your fuck-buddy. I would be like, “Hey! What’s up? Worried about you, haven’t heard from you in awhile. Hope you didn’t get a bad case of herpes.”

My new boyfriend is uncircumcised. I’ve never encountered this before. How do I give him a proper blowjob?
It’s probably better to just go with someone who’s circumcised. It feels better, or so I’ve heard.

Is it ever appropriate to take a phone call during sex?
Absolutely not.

A lot of the guys said it was.
That’s why they’re here waiting in line, rather than going home and getting laid.
 

Interviews by Nicole Ankowski, Adrian Muniz and Patricia Chang. Sex Advice From… appears on Thursdays. Have questions for the general public? Send them to sexadvicefrom@nerve.com.

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