Chelsea Peretti
http://twitter.com/Chelseavperetti
Photo by Seth Olenick

My boyfriend's tweets disclose way too much information ("Gonna have sex now!"). He told me to lighten up, but I think he needs to tone it down. How much disclosure is too much?
Wait, so his response was "lighten up"? Is he a jock from an '80s movie? Don't let this one get away, especially because imagine how he tweets about an ex-girlfriend. He probably really puts the pedal to the metal.

How do I get a person from Twitter to meet me in person?
How do you get a person from anywhere to meet you in person? Let me know.

What's the best reason to date someone with a large Twitter following?
The more popular someone is on Twitter, the more balanced and humble they are likely to be. (Twitter is geared toward humility.) Someone with a large Twitter following is not likely to be a narcissistic or insecure type who needs constant attention.

This guy I've been seeing is filling up my feed with too many jokes that aren't funny. This is leaning toward deal breaker territory. What should I do?
If his jokes aren't funny, why do you still like him? Tell him you hate him. See how he responds to that and we'll take it from there. You could mute him on Brizzly, but he sounds like the type to grill you on his tweets every night. PS you should navigate this terrain with an all-terrain vehicle.

My girlfriend and I have been going out for a few weeks, but we've already said we love each other. How can I get my doubting friends to stop telling me I'm making a mistake?
Oh! That's easy just tell them a different story in which you and your new girl did not say I love you the second you met. Just be like: "I don't know her too well, but I'm super attracted to her and she seems really cool. I have a good feeling about this. I'm really enjoying her so far and can't wait to get to know her better over time. I know I'm prone to fantasy and to forcing intimacy super fast but I'm going to keep an eye on that issue via therapy and self-restraint." Your friends will nod and give you hugs and give your girl pounds and shit when you guys all go out for pizza.

I really like dirty talk, but my girl does not. I found this out when I called her a slut and she got angry. How do I make it up to her?
Dude. You always gotta ease sluts into it via Pretty Woman. She'll be all into the idea of being a high-class escort, so work that angle before you go full Hustler. Then again, maybe she's just not the type. She might be the kind of girl that thinks about running through a sunny field holding hands with you while she cums (aka a bummer and total mystery).