Advice

Sex Advice From People with Old-Person Names

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Edith, 28
thehairpin.com

You have an old-person name. What's the story?
I'm named after my dad's only sister, my awesome Aunt Edie. 

Have you ever wished you had a different name?
When I was a little kid, I wanted to be named Tricycle or Balloons, and for a few months in seventh grade, I wanted to be named Ivy. 

So you never wanted something super-common like Mary. Why do you think that is? 
I think maybe I was attached to the idea of something uncommon, but wanted to get rid of the dumpy "-th" sound at the end. There are few pretty things that end in "-th."

Do you think your name ever turns people off?
Hmm, I don't know. If people haven't met me, they usually think I'm really old.

Have you ever lied about your name when an annoying guy at a bar asked it?
No. But when it's loud and they think it's "Eden" or something, I'm like, "Yeah, sure."

Are any names a turn-on or turn-off for you?
No, but I guess if a guy were named Edith, that would be weird.

Are there any advantages to having an old person name?
I'm sure you're getting this a lot, depending on how many people you’ve asked, but it's always nice to not have to be called Edith R. or Edith P.

Let's play a name-association game. When I say Tiffany, you think:
Lamp. 

When I say Karen, you think:
This awesome woman who's a forensic artist!

When I say Mike, you think:
A guy I know!

When I say Walter, you think:
First name of my fifth-grade teacher. What up, Mr. D.?

I have this friend with benefits who's really sexy, but she's the worst at dirty talk. She uses goofy euphemisms, like "ding-dong" and "wee-waw." How can I improve her dirty-talk skills without making her feel stupid?
I can't imagine there are any ways to correct someone's dirty talk without ruining it! But also, wait, what's a wee-waw? Is that where ding-dongs go? I love this girl. But I can't imagine a scenario where saying "ding-dong" is somehow more comfortable than saying anything else, so I'm kind of stumped. Is she whispering these words? Yelling them?

I've been in a relationship with this great girl for nearly six months. I want to stay together and see how things go, but I'm a little concerned that we haven't said "I love you" to each other. Is this a bad thing?
It's hard to put an hourglass to the "I love you" thing. If you love her, you should tell her! If you don't, you shouldn't. If six months have passed and you don't know, maybe you kind of know, but just don't want to admit it to yourself?

I was on this really great date, drank a lot, and ended up opening up way too much. I think I may have even cried a little. Any ideas for damage control? The date was otherwise really promising.
No, that's totally fine! Don't even worry! If someone's annoyed that you cried a little, or over-shared, whatever, they're lame! You're great. If you're still feeling uncomfortable, though, maybe make a joke acknowledging and diffusing the whole thing like, "I can't wait to cry tonight! Can you? What will we cry about!?" Or an actually-funny joke.


Harold, 26

Why are named Harold instead of something like Joe?
My dad wanted to name me after the last true English king, King Harold, who was killed in 1066. 

Do people ever call you Harry?
My family calls me Harry, but my friends call me Harold. It’s kind of fun to have the separation. Most people think Harold’s a pretty cool name. It’s a turn-on. Or memorable, at least.

Have you ever wished you had a different name, like maybe in school when kids teased you?
I used to be called Harry in school, but I also had extremely long hair down to my shoulders until sixth grade. So the other kids made so much fun of the fact that my name was Harry. When I went to middle school, I decided to go by Harold.

But you never wanted to just be Josh or something common?
No, I love my name.

Are any names a turn-on or turn-off for you?
I think Maude would be a bad one. Harold and Maude?

That could be cute. You could have a themed wedding, if things work out.
Nah. There are a lot of names that are exclusively for old ladies at this point.

Are there any advantages to having your old-fashioned name, besides people thinking it’s cool?
It’s good to have a rare name. People remember it and don’t mix you up with other people. When I was in college, a lot of buildings on campus were named after various Harolds from the 1920s, so that made me feel cool. I’ve never tried to impersonate an old person, though.

I have this friend with benefits who's really sexy, but she's the worst at dirty talk. She uses goofy euphemisms, like "ding-dong" and "wee-waw." How can I improve her dirty-talk skills without making her feel stupid?
Inebriation might help. I think you can give her some specific pointers. Maybe she’s doing some sort of role-playing. Maybe she wants to pretend she’s a kid. Or maybe’s she’s stupid.

I'm a guy, and I've always been a little grossed out by oral sex. I've never been on the giving end. Does this automatically make me a selfish jerk?
You hasn’t even tried it. So currently, you're a selfish jerk.

I was on this really great date, drank a lot, and ended up opening up way too much. I think I may have even cried a little. Any ideas for damage control? The date was otherwise really promising.
Be straightforward. Ask your date if the date was fun or funny. Say you feel embarrassed. A lot of people get way too drunk on dates.

But not everyone cries on a date. I think there’s a gender difference. If a woman got drunk and cried, it might be charmingly neurotic. If a guy did it, it’s weird.
Either way, it’s funny and memorable. Just say you’re embarrassed.

Eloise, 24

What’s the origin of your name?
I was named after my great-grandmother. My mother was very close to her.

Have you ever wished you had a different name?
I didn’t like being named Eloise as a kid. I wanted to change it to Jessica, after Jessica Rabbit. I was in love with her.

Do you think your name ever turns people off?
I don’t think it turns them off. A lot of women like my name. I think the men I meet don’t necessarily think it’s sexy, but it’s endearing to the men I’ve dated. Eloise is an attractive name. It’s not like Blanche or Esther.

People might think of the Eloise books or Household Hints from Heloise.
People have positive associations. I was at a Starbucks and some guy at the counter called out my name when my order was ready and told me about his grandmother named Eloise. He talked about how much he loved her and what an effect she had on him. It was pretty awesome.

Let's play a name association game. When I say Tiffany, you think:
Slut. And Tiffani-Amber Thiessen.

When I say Karen, you think:
A forty-something woman.

When I say Mike, you think:
Frat boy. I do like Michael, though.

When I say Walter, you think:
Walter Matthau! I love him. I could be with a Walter.

Are any names a turn-on or turn-off for you?
For women, I like the name Lucy. It’s very playful and cute. And Jack is a sexy name for a man.

I'm really interested in role-playing with my boyfriend to spice up our sex life, but I don't want things to be too freaky. Can you give me some pointers for making role-playing memorable and fun?
I think the two people should masturbate on their own or in front of each other before jumping into it. I think that helps when you’re doing something new that you’re not totally comfortable with. Talking dirty is a baby step. So work your way up to something more elaborate. Role-playing is like talking dirty times a thousand.

I have this friend with benefits who's really sexy, but she's the worst at dirty talk. She uses goofy euphemisms, like "ding-dong" and "wee-waw." Would it be wrong for me to correct her? How can I improve her dirty talk skills without making her feel stupid? 
"Ding-dong?!" What’s a "wee-waw?"

I believe it’s a vagina.
Really? Sounds like Ewok. Maybe it looks like an Ewok? Goddamn. It sounds like maybe she’s not comfortable.

So how do you make someone comfortable with dirty talk?
Well, when it comes to the friends-with-benefits thing, you sort of get what you pay for. She’s not your girlfriend. What do you expect? But if you’re going to correct her, be kind. You don’t want your friend with benefits to be embarrassed. Tell her, "I find you wildly attractive, but it kind of turns me off when you use these childish names for my cock." Lead by example — say the things you’d want her to say to you.

I'm a guy, and I've always been a little grossed out by oral sex. I've never been on the giving end. Does this automatically make me a selfish jerk?
Yes. The answer’s yes. Oral sex is part of sex. It’s not an extra. You need to take a look at why you're grossed out. 

I was on this really great date, drank a lot, and ended up opening up way too much. I think I may have even cried a little. Any ideas for damage control? The date was otherwise really promising.
I think that’s awesome. I know some people wouldn’t, but I love when people open up. If that person never calls again, it was going to happen eventually, right?

So you wouldn’t be freaked out if you went on a date with a guy, and he started crying?
I might be a little freaked out, but I’d also be intrigued. It would depend on what he was crying about. I honestly don’t see that much wrong with it. Maybe I’m a little crazy? But obviously if you cry on every date, you need help.