Advice

Sex Advice From . . . Performance Artists

Pin it
 REGULARS


Will a.k.a. Master Lee, 40
Website: www.kungfucomic.com


What’s the most sexual thing you’ve ever done onstage and what did you learn from it?

I was doing the Bindlestiff Family Cirkus and one of the other Bindlestiff acts put a dildo on herself and spun a plate on it. I had to go on after her. I did this stunt where I took a cucumber and chopped it on a guy’s stomach, then I unzipped the guy’s pants, took out his dick and flopped it around. There was a medium amount of applause.

What did you learn from that experience?
Don’t take a guy’s dick out and flop it around, because the back row can’t see it.

What costumes or props work the best in bed?
Fake fur has always worked for me. Almost every woman I’ve been with has wanted to dress me up like a girl, so that works too.

I’ve been dating this girl for a couple of months. The sex is great but she keeps her eyes closed the entire time and it bothers me. Please advise.
If your girlfriend is keeping her eyes closed during sex and that’s the worst of your problems, you’re doing pretty good.

Do’s and don’ts for dirty talking?
You can call her mommy or poppy, but don’t use her actual mother or father’s name. Do make her call you daddy. Don’t have sex with her father in the room. Do have sex with her father in the next room, if you do it quietly, and if you’re not down south.

Under what circumstances is it okay to sleep your way to fame and fortune?
Under every circumstance except the art scene. It’s like saying you’re going to sleep your way to the top of the anthill.

Rachel, 24

What tips would you give non-performers who want to woo a lover by singing or stripping or dancing?
It’s all about commitment. Any time you’re second-guessing the fact that you’re doing this, it’s not sexy. You just have to let it go. And they should either be a total stranger or you should know them very, very well. I wouldn’t advise it on the fifth date.

What costumes or props work the best?
I have this Mrs. Claus nightie that seemed to do the trick on several occasions.

What’s the most sexual thing you’ve ever done onstage and what did you learn from it?
Well, there’s a rumor that once I got drunk and masturbated in this play in college. I was in a blackout at the time and can’t really refute it. It was a difficult period. Another time, I was doing a ballet about saints, and during the part where a Sicilian was trying to seduce me, I had a jar of tomato sauce and a vibrator. I poured the tomato sauce on my boobs and then put the vibrator between my boobs, because that was the Italian part. What did I learn from it? I learned that vibrators are always funny. And I also learned that it’s fun to do things with your boobs as long as it’s not actually sexy.

I’ve been dating this girl for a couple of months. The sex is great but she keeps her eyes closed the entire time and it bothers me. Please advise.
Just start walking in naked at times she doesn’t expect it. Like at her office.

Do’s and don’ts for dirty talking?
You should talk about things that you know they like. If you’re with a guy who really loves it when you suck his dick, you should definitely talk about sucking his dick. And go into detail. Usually if you try to get really creative with dirty talk, I’ve found that it doesn’t work very well. It’s like trying to be too creative in improv.

I went too far with a guy on a first date. How can I take a step back now without giving a speech about “slowing down?”
Tell him you have your period. Your period buys about a week. And during that time you can evaluate where this relationship is going. And if it’s not your period, it’s something else. Guys don’t really ask questions if you say something’s wrong down there. “Yeah I think I have a yeast infec—” “Whoa, okay! Oh, no problem, uh, you still wanna, we can catch that movie?”

Francis a.k.a. Faceboy, 39

How long should sex last?
A lifetime.

I’ve been dating this girl for a couple of months. The sex is great but she keeps her eyes closed the entire time and it bothers me. Please advise.
I don’t think it’s a good idea to categorize sex as normal or abnormal. This is normal for her. If it’s something you cannot work with, then you have to inform your partner. But it seems like you are having sex so it seems like something you can work with.

What is the number one thing everyone should have in their sex drawer and why?
Lube. I don’t think I need to explain. Always play safe, so condoms — I’ll say lubricated condoms.

I recently noticed that I only have sex when I’m drunk or stoned. All of a sudden I’m really nervous to have sex sober, and I even find myself questioning my ability to meet men without the aid of substance. What can I do to get off the wagon and make it happen between the sheets?

That’s an admirable goal. I suppose the best approach would be to go slowly. Reduce your drinking or drugging each time you approach it until finally you can approach it sober.

Tips for the performance artist groupie? What’s a sure fire way to get a performance artist to come home with you?
Have a home. That’s pretty much it.

Tanya a.k.a. Tanya O’Debra, 25
Website: www.odebratwins.com

How long should sex last?
The penis-in-vagina part should only be twenty minutes, tops. No more than that.

What tips would you give non-performers who want to woo a lover by singing or stripping or dancing, etc.?
Be original. If you’re the guy, maybe you should be a naughty nurse — some sort of reversal. Do something different.

Under what circumstances is it okay to sleep your way to fame and fortune?
If everybody’s really cute, then it’s okay. Then, who can blame you?

I recently noticed that I only have sex when I’m drunk or stoned. All of a sudden I’m really nervous to have sex sober, and I even find myself questioning my ability to meet men without the aid of substance. What can I do to get off the wagon and make it happen between the sheets?
Stop hanging out on the Lower East Side.

Rick a.k.a. Mr. Patrick, 49

What costumes or props work the best?
Depends on the person and how well you know them. If you’re fifty years old and they’re twenty-five, sometimes it’s good to be schoolgirl and the priest. Take advantage of physical reality and your age.

Do’s and don’ts for dirty-talking?
Yeah! Don’t do it without asking first some other time, casually. You want to drop a hint when drinking a drink or in a movie. You want to feel it out, because you want to go right to the edge and not too far. You want to know where someone’s edge is. It’s a funny thing, language.

What is the number one thing everyone should have in their sex drawer and why?
Lube, condoms, handi-wipes and a towel, and that’s about it.

Under what circumstances is it okay to sleep your way to fame and fortune?
If it’s not your chosen thing in life, that’s when it’s okay. You want to be an architect, you don’t sleep your way to the head of the architecture firm, you sleep your way to the top of the library, or the circus. As long as it’s not your chosen thing, then you still have a chance to be happy with yourself. 



Interviews by Neal Medlyn.

Sex Advice From… appears on Thursdays. Do you have sex-advice questions for the general public? Send them to sexadvicefrom@nerve.com.

Previous Sex Advice

 


©2005 Nerve.com, Inc.