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Sex Advice From . . . Pet Store Clerks

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Jason, 25

Have you ever slept with someone you met at work?
Yeah, but we get a lot of psychopaths in here. I had a broad come in here [who] got dumped by her boyfriend, so she got a bird. Pretty girl, but she doesn’t want another relationship. It’s easier to deal with animals than a man.

What sexual tendencies/characteristic do you associate with the following pet owners:

A woman and a Great Dane?
Overweight and middle-aged.

What do you think of them sexually, though?
If I’m drunk enough and you’re not a total mess, I’ll rail ya.

A man and a greyhound?
I’m not going to say you’re gay. Everyone has their own taste.

Anyone with a pug?
Obviously it’s someone who doesn’t care much about looks.

I live in a studio, and my girlfriend is allergic to cats. There are no doors in my place — what can i do?
First of all, how old are you?

Twenty-eight.
You shouldn’t be living with a girl anyway, unless you plan to marry her. Maybe when you’re in your thirties, and you’re doing what you want to do for the rest of your life, then maybe you live with a chick. And the only reason to get married is to have kids. At your age, get a cat, get a dog, live like you want. You shouldn’t be worried about what your girlfriend wants. If you still feel like it down the line, get a prenup, then get hitched.

Have you ever suspected a customer of purchasing items for sexual purposes?
Oh, yeah. Sometimes people come in and buy leashes, and by the look of them, you know they don’t have a pet.

Name a specific oral sex technique that will make anyone scream.
Wipe your mouth on her curtains. That’ll make her scream.

What’s the best music for sex?
Anything but that really bad Chinese music you hear in those ’70s karate films.

Elisa, 46

What sexual tendencies/characteristic do you associate with the following pet owners:

What if it’s a woman and a Great Dane?
I think maybe the woman likes “great” men.

A man and a greyhound?
He’s probably a very kind and thoughtful man for adopting a greyhound. I think that’s an attractive quality in a man.

Do you think there’s a difference between men who like dogs and men who like cats?
Oh, yes. I’ve thought about this. I think men with dogs like to be in control. They like to dominate something. I think men with cats tend to be more the creative types, more sensitive. They probably like to read and look at art.

If you had to use one item from your store during sex, what would it be and how would you use it?
The leashes and the collars. There are the collars with the spike on them. I’d put one on my man and make him sit and make him stand and make him follow me around.

I love morning sex. My girlfriend can’t function before she’s had her coffee and morning shower. Can I reform her?
Make sure they get to bed early if they don’t like to get up early. And make sure whatever you do that it’s something they enjoy. And make sure you have a hot pot of coffee on before they wake up.

Is Halle Berry right in her declaration in a recent interview: does every man want a woman who’s a freak in bed?
What do you mean, like crazy gothic stuff? No. I don’t think so. I think they want someone they can trust, someone they can share intimate thoughts with and know that their business isn’t going all over the place.


Shawn, 31, owner, Aquatic Creations


What sexual tendencies/characteristic do you associate with the following pet owners:

A man and a bichon frise?
I think the man with the big dog might be compensating for his small penis, so the man with the small dog might be compensating for his big penis.

A woman and a Great Dane?
Um, I guess she wants a dog with a big dick.

A man and a greyhound?
He’s probably compassionate.

Anyone with a pug?
I know a lot of people with pugs, and I don’t want to say anything mean about them.

If you had to use one item from your store during sex, what would it be and how would you use it?
A fish tank of course. Wetter is better.

What’s the best music for sex?
Every girl’s different, but a good solid beat. I hate techno kind of stuff, but it’s actually good cause it gives you a good thrusting beat motion and it’s very repetitive and that can be very helpful. But there’s nothing like dirty talk.

You’ve been dating someone for six months. You have sex once a week. Is that too little?
That’s way too little. Unless it’s really good sex to keep you through the rest of the week. I’d say at least four times a week would be good — and not all in one night.

Have you experienced female ejaculation, and if so, what brought it about?
No. But I heard about this girl who did. I was trying to hook up with her, so I could feel her spew all over my belly, but I just couldn’t hook anything up. I wish I had a story like that.

The most amazing sexual experience you’ve ever had, and how can someone replicate it?
I can’t tell you about it, because I’m about to marry her.

Jesse, 24

Is your job a good way to meet sex partners?
No. Well, I’m seeing someone right now. But even if I weren’t, a lot of people who come into pet stores are really pet-obsessed, and that’s because they don’t have anyone else in their lives. I have two cats, but I am certainly, by no means, pet obsessed.

What sexual tendencies/characteristic do you associate with the following pet owners:

A woman and a Great Dane?
I use to have a Great Dane. They’re really amazing but they’re really co-dependent. They have to be around you all the time. So I would think the woman is dependable and knows what she wants.

A man and a greyhound?
If they got it from an adopt-a-greyhound association, that would be pretty awesome. I would think they would be compassionate.

Do you think there is often a sexual element to the relationship between a woman and her dog?
I grew up next to these two girls in West Virginia who had a weird sexual relationship with their dachshund. They would let the dog hump their leg all the time. They were pretty young, but it was scary.

Do you ever have people come into the store who you are pretty sure are buying toys for sex?
No. Not yet at least. I’ve only been there two weeks.

If you had to use one item from your store during sex, what would it be and how would you use it?
Sex with riding boots would be fun. I’m not so much into whipping or anything. I would maybe use some chain collars to tie up whoever I was with. It would have to be someone that I felt very intimate and safe with.

What’s the best anal technique?
I’ve had guys tell me that the easiest way is if the girl is on top sitting backwards, if she has a lot of lube and controls the pace of it. I’m not really into it, because I had it when I was young with this guy who was a real asshole. But I do think anal stimulation during oral sex is good.

Have you experienced female ejaculation?
Yeah. Not that often, but it has happened during oral sex, particularly with anal stimulation. Double penetration works too. It’s weird because I have a lot more orgasms now that I’m older, but when I was younger I used to ejaculate a lot more. I don’t really understand why that happens.

Male bisexuality: myth or reality?
I think it’s a reality. I went out with this guy awhile ago that would occasionally jack off his friend but was also into women. I don’t know how that’s not bisexual.

Is Halle Berry right in her declaration in a recent interview: does every man want a woman who’s “a freak in bed”?
I hope not. Otherwise, I’m in trouble. 

Sex Advice From… appears on Thursdays. Do you have sex-advice questions for the general public? Send them to sexadvicefrom@nerve.com.

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