Advice

Sex Advice From Piano-Bar Singers

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Eric, 28
ericyvesgarcia.com

What’s the best way to pick up a piano-bar singer?
Flattery and tips. A piano-bar singer has seen plenty. At best, they’re nobody’s fool; at worst, they’re jaded. Don’t annoy them, don’t be cheesy, don’t be sloppy drunk. Tell him you liked his tune. Make him laugh. Show him where to sign on your exclusive Sony BMG contract.

What will impress someone faster: a good song or a good drink?
A good song, for sure, but the booze helps. A higher-end drink with some originality is always classy, so keep a few in your arsenal. I’m partial to vodka, whiskey, bourbon — but always know your labels and don’t be cheap. No one survives cheapness, no matter how beautiful or talented they are.
eric
I really just want to go to a bar, meet someone, and have a one-night stand.  Unfortunately, I can’t really perform if I’ve been drinking.  Is there anyway to soberly make this happen without it feeling like I’m taking advantage of some drunk girl?

You want to journey to mythical land of no-strings sex. You don’t, however, want to hurt some idiot drunk girl. This no compute. One-night stands require that you not care. Not caring means if some girl cries before, after, or during — you don’t give a shit. You are not this person. Pass on this one, pal. And see a doctor about that whiskey dick thing — or get sober.

My boyfriend has always been paranoid that I still have feelings for my ex. That was never the case until last weekend, when I was talking to my ex at a friend’s party and sparks ignited.  How do I deal with this?

Clearly your boyfriend is not an idiot. You (intentionally or not) clued him into your residual feelings for your ex. It wasn’t “never the case,” you just didn’t want to own it. It boils down to this: go be alone, force yourself to be honest, assess what makes current and ex-boyfriends lovable or draining. Was it the sex? Was it the little things that made you smile and forgive the bullshit? Are you ramping up to repeat the mistakes of the past? What do you value? The other alternative is to sleep with both. Mazel tov, sweetheart.

I hate my girlfriend’s friends. All of them. What do I do?

Worry, honestly, cause that’s never going to get better. Friends are a direct reflection of the person. If you hate all your girlfriend’s friends, count the minutes until their qualities surface in her, otherwise why would they all hang out? Family is not chosen. Friends are. This also applies to girlfriends’ mothers. Worry. Then go out for a pack of smokes and don’t come back.

My boyfriend’s not the best at oral pleasure. How can I give him pointers without pissing him off?
When he’s down there, grab him by the ears and say, “When I said ‘to the left,’ I meant THIS WAY!” Other than that, I’d suggest opening a dialogue by making it about what he likes, as in, “I really wanna make sure I do this the way you like, tell me what you want.” Make it into a hot game. That way, the track is laid for you to make gentle but direct suggestions on what he could be doing better.

We broke up, but we’ve still got three months left on the lease together. What’s the best way to get through this?

Fire. That way everybody wins except the insurance company. Barring that, I’d suggest keeping things as amicable and honest as a painful breakup can be, particularly with money and shelter on the line. It may be impossible, and you may find yourself couch-surfing at your friends’ places. Be frank and empathetic. And if someone goes batshit nuts and gets vindictive, let it not be you.
Gabrielle, 22
www.gabrielletaryn.com

What’s the best way to pick up a piano-bar singer?
Flattery will get you everywhere. And we’re not too proud to accept generous tips.

My boyfriend has always been paranoid that I still have feelings for my ex. That was never the case until last weekend, when I was talking to my ex at a friend’s party, and some spark ignited. How do I deal with this?
I have an ex that I still hook up with occasionally when we’re both single. We have established the fact that we will probably always be physically attracted to each other. But over the years, I’ve been very honest with myself about my relationship with this ex, and I’ve had to remind myself that we were terrible together. He’s an ex for a reason! Ask yourself why you broke up and if you honestly think anything has changed since then. gabrielleThe sexual spark might still be lit, but is it really worth ruining your current relationship over one that didn’t work out?

I hate my girlfriend’s friends. All of them. What do I do?
Either break up with her or kill them. Not getting along with the friends is actually a bigger problem than you may think.

A couple of years ago, my boyfriend slept with an ex while drunk.  We worked through it, but last week during an argument I blurted out that I always wanted to have an affair to get even.  He said he wouldn’t care.  How am I supposed to take that?
That sounds like bonafide CRAZY TALK. He doesn’t mean it.

My girlfriend’s been hinting that she wants to be tied up and spanked in bed. I don’t want to hurt her and it sounds ridiculous. How can I please her? What do I do?
I am not one to have outlandish fantasies, however if the guy I am dating has something he wants me to try, I’ve always been open to suggestion. As long as it’s not something completely ridiculous, I’m happy to do anything to please him. I say, at least try it once just to make her happy. And if you hate it, at least you did something for her. And who knows? You might find it hot!

We broke up, but we’ve still got three months left on the lease together. What’s the best way to get through this?
One word: SUBLET.
Adam, 29
www.theduplex.com

What have you learned about love from singing in a piano bar?
That anyone who walks in that door could be your best customer or greatest lover…as long as they tip.

What will impress someone faster: a good song or a good drink?
A good song can really inspire people and transport them, but my Cosmos can do the same thing. My last customer woke up in Brooklyn wearing only Crocs.adam

My boyfriend’s not the best at oral pleasure. How can I give him pointers without pissing him off?
If all else fails, (s)explain to him what drives you nuts, what you hate, and what you would like to feel. Then make him do it.

My girlfriend’s been hinting that she wants to be tied up and spanked in bed. I don’t want to hurt her and it sounds ridiculous. How can I please her? What do I do?
Sweetie, if she is the one insisting on ropes and S&M, maybe she’s done it before. Start out with a light spanking. I’ve found that it always gets a stranger’s attention on the subway platform.

We broke up, but we’ve still got three months left on the lease together. What’s the best way to get through this?
If you’re a guy, be a gentleman and take the couch. If you’re the girl, give him some more closet space. Be civil and always put the seat down. If you absolutely hate each other, then divide the estate early but if he insists on keeping the silk drapes, girl, you’ve got other issues.

I recently slept with an old friend, and it was amazing. I really want to get with him regularly — we drove each other wild in bed — but I don’t want a boyfriend right now. How can I convey that I adore him and want to sleep with him, but that I don’t want a relationship?

I just had to go through something similar myself. It was tough but just be honest. Say exactly that: “Love your hot ass, get over here, but leave your toothbrush at your place.” Just let him know how wild he makes you, but be prepared to have a talk if he starts bringing you flowers instead of lube.