Advice

Sex Advice From Playwrights

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Joshua, 28

What’s the best reason to date a playwright?
Every fight and argument will come complete with the absolute best monologues you’ve ever heard!

Do you ever steal lines from your relationship and put them in your plays?
Guilty as charged. I’ve been pretty up-front about it every time I do it, though. That’d be the only rule I’d attach to the process: own up to it prior to public presentation.

I just started dating this guy. He doesn’t look that good naked, but the sex is great. How do we get around this?
josh
Stop being so fucking shallow. A guy with a rockin’ bod is rare but great sex is even more rare.

When I get stoned, dates go a lot better; I’m looser, more relaxed, and it helps my sex drive. My new guy doesn’t know I smoke. Do I have to tell him?
Yeah, you do. I’m all for 420, but I’m more concerned that you find it a necessary pre-date activity. If you really like the guy, you shouldn’t need any substance to be loose and relaxed. Regardless, if you want a future with the guy, you need to come clean about all your habits.

I finally got to spend the night at my new girlfriend’s apartment, where I peeked at her DVD collection. I hate so many of her movies and her taste in film actually disappoints me.  Should I be worried?

Only be worried that you put so much weight on someone’s taste in film. My partner and I are polar opposites when it comes to film and theater. (Basically, I like the good stuff and he likes crap!) Shockingly, it has created a great dynamic in our relationship. He’s grown an appreciation for the heavier stuff and I’ve allowed myself to let my “snob guard” down a bit.

My boyfriend likes to be dominated during sex. At first it was exhilarating, but now I’m worried he has a self-hatred complex. What do I say to him without sounding like a second-rate shrink
?
Just ask why he likes what he likes. This is tricky ground. Often, those of us in the S/M worlds are not playing rough because our parents didn’t love us enough. Usually, it’s more about being something in the bedroom that is opposite what you are in the real world. I’m carefree, fun-loving and silly in my real life, ergo I like to be dominant in the bedroom. But there is no harm (and a lot of good to be had) in asking your partner why they like what they like.

The woman I’m seeing always looks and sounds frustrated with me when we’re in bed. When I ask how I can make it better for her, she insists she’s fine — but her body language says differently.  What should I do?

Oh, I’ve been here. It’s important to remember that people don’t always respond as we expect. Someone can be completely still and stone-faced while having the orgasm of their lives. But if you’re unsure, it will only impair the experience for you and, potentially, your performance. Try having a conversation about this outside the bedroom. You’ll both have more perspective.

Katie, 28

What’s the best reason to date a playwright?
Someday you’ll be sitting in the audience at a premiere and see a character parading around stage in a bad “you” suit. It’ll be wild.

Do you ever steal lines from your relationship and put them in your plays?
Yes, I steal. Hopefully the person takes it as a compliment. I was accused once of “killing off” my boyfriend in a play. That was not the case, however — and he was pretty crazy. After you break up, everything is fair play. Cheating on your significant other through a play is another tricky one. They read it, all this passion, that romantic weekend, that incredibly detailed resort set they’ve never been to, and suddenly they stop and think, “Where is this coming from?” Yeah. Not from you buddy.katie

What has playwriting taught you about love and relationships?
Anything is possible.

What’s the best way to pick up a playwright?
Offer them a cigarette, a job, or a place to stay. We’re a pretty needy bunch.

My girlfriend accidentally got a little toothy during foreplay the other night and left a mark. I need a day or two to heal up, but I know if she found out why, she would get really upset and embarrassed. How do I explain my need for rest?
Dude, she’s got to learn somehow. You can’t have her “toothing” you up on the reg. Honesty is best, but if you must lie, tell her you need a couple days off because you want to “build up a head of steam so it’s really intense next time.”

I finally got to spend the night at my new girlfriend’s apartment, where I peeked at her DVD collection. I hate so many of her movies and her taste in film actually disappoints me.  Should I be worried?
If you’re looking for something serious, then yes. That shelf will keep you awake at night and in agony every time you’re looking for something to do and want to suggest a movie. If it’s just for kicks, then hell, throw in The Lake House and go to town, my friend.

The woman I’m seeing always looks and sounds frustrated with me when we’re in bed. When I ask how I can make it better for her, she insists she’s fine — but her body language says differently.  What should I do?
It sounds to me like she doesn’t know what she needs, and therefore can’t ask for it. Take the initiative to try and figure it out on your own. Mess around with some stylistic flourishes and see if anything comes back with a smile.

I met a guy online and we’ve exchanged a ton of emails and phone calls. We finally met for dinner and he was everything he’d promised he was – except an inch shorter than me. I’m tall for a woman (five-seven) but am having trouble accepting this. How can I get over this height issue?
As the bi-product of an Asian father (five-five) and a white momma (five-seven), I know you can work this one out. It just takes a little getting used to and a love of flats.

Braden, 28
Days of Late is being produced by the SiNNERMAN Ensemble in Chicago in April 2010.

What’s the best reason to date a playwright?

They’ll immortalize you. Granted, they’ll mostly do it after you’re out of the picture and they’ll make you look like Kathy Bates in Misery, but they will immortalize you.

Do you ever steal lines from your relationship and put them in your plays?
It’s inevitable when you “write what you know” that you’re bound to write who you know, to a degree. It’s of vital importance that, if something is going to bear a striking resemblance to real life, you ask the person in question if they mind. The last thing you want is to ruin a good relationship to make a good play; real life matters more.braden

What’s the best way to pick up a playwright?
Tell them how profoundly their work spoke to you and tell them why. The “why” will really get ’em.

My boyfriend of four months got drunk and told me he loved me. I adore him, but I kinda laughed it off. Now he’s acting like it never happened, and I’m not sure if it’s because he’s mad or doesn’t remember. How should I address this?

Tie him to a post, depriving him of any kind of liquid for days, and throw things at his vulnerable parts while screaming, “Tell me you love me! Say it!” Should clear things up pretty quick.

My boyfriend likes to be dominated during sex. At first it was exhilarating, but now I’m worried he has a self-hatred complex. What do I say to him without sounding like a second-rate shrink?
What people need regarding power plays during sex goes much deeper than you could change in a “chat” about the issue. Do you see self-esteem issues bleeding into his non-sexual life? If not, then just let yourself enjoy it the way you were, and don’t make a mountain out of a bound-and-sniveling mole hill. If you feel confident he has self-worth problems that are hampering his ability to succeed and be happy, then absolutely it’s your job as someone who cares about him to suggest counseling. Just don’t be surprised if your sex life becomes less fulfilling for him once you’ve made him self-conscious.

The woman I’m seeing always looks and sounds frustrated with me when we’re in bed. When I ask how I can make it better for her, she insists she’s fine — but her body language says differently. What should I do?
It may not be you. It’s very easy to take something like that personally, especially as a man (our self-esteem is way too wrapped up in sexual performance), but she may be dealing with her own sexual hang-ups that she’s embarrassed to broach with you. If this is the case, don’t you dare go poking into her psyche unless you plan to stick around after she gets all vulnerable. However, if she’s really telling you you’re “fine,” then that shouldn’t be good enough for you. “Fine” won’t keep anything going for very long. Some people don’t know what they need because they’ve never had it. Try experimenting with different power dynamics — maybe you can surprise her with new revelations about her own body and needs…though you may find that, even if this works, what she needs and what you like are not the same thing.