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Sex Advice From Poets
Q: The guy I like showed me his poetry, and it’s terrible! What do I do? A: Get out while you still can.
By Kelly Bourdet
People always joke that the phrase "let me read you some of my poetry" is the best way to lose a girl. Why is that? How can I use my poetry to seduce someone?
The problem is, you are writing too many of your poems with your dick in your hand and the gun still in the back of the toilet where Clemenza planted it.
I’ve written a love poem for my friend, who has no idea I’m interested in her. I want to give it to her for her upcoming birthday but I’m afraid that might be coming on too strong. What should I do?
About yachts it is said, “If you have to ask the price, you can’t afford it.” There is a vague parallel in the case of birthday poems written for women and not given to them, which implies a faintheartedness that is unattractive in the male of the species. Maybe you should work out in a gym or do some manual labor and then see how you feel.
My girlfriend thinks pornography is cheating so I promised to stop looking – but I didn’t. I feel bad for lying. How can I convince her that it’s not infidelity?
Do not try to convince her that porn is okay. That dog won’t hunt. You seem to have painted yourself into a corner here, and the only smart thing you can do is to lie. It’s in everyone’s best interest. She gets to feel virtuous; you get to get off on pictures of Jennifer Love Hewitt naked in a dungeon, and it’s guilt free if you can convince yourself that your raging libido requires such measures in lieu of bonking other dames. It is infinitely easier to win that argument with yourself than to win an argument on porn with your girlfriend.
This guy I’ve been dating is a writer and things have really been going well between us. The problem is that he showed me some of his work last week and I didn’t know how to react — it was terrible! I know it’s a huge part of his life, so I lied and said I liked it. Is this a dealbreaker? I can’t lie forever.
Yes. Get out while you can. Bad poets have an impossible amount of vanity and a constant need for attention. You can either break up with him and continue to praise his palaver or you can continue to see him and end up saying some really mean things to a decent guy. You will save yourself a lot of anguish by making a clean break now – although this could be said, come to think of it, about relationships with partners who are not poets, too. If you do head for the exits, do not divulge the reason. He’ll expect you to say something like, “It’s not you, dude. It’s me,” so don’t disappoint him twice in the same conversation.
My girlfriend wants to cut her hair short, but I really like ladies with long hair. I know it's ultimately her decision, but I think as her boyfriend I should have some say. Am I being a controlling prick?
You probably are a prick, but life’s more complicated than that, and the Zen answer to your dilemma is to watch Hitchcock’s Vertigo, alone, and then cut your own hair short.
I have trouble speaking to women in bars. A simple "hello" always feels abrupt, and yet most "lines" are cheesy. Any advice for how to get things started?
Memorize Keats’s sonnet beginning with the line, “When I have fears that I may cease to be.” Practice reading it aloud until you can speak the lines naturally and have committed them to memory. Once you have successfully done this, move on to the same poet’s sonnet on first reading Chapman’s Homer, his odes on melancholy and on the Grecian urn, “La Belle Dame Sans Merci,” and “To Autumn,” and, for variety and contrast, Shelley’s “Ozymandias” and “Ode to the West Wind” and Coleridge’s “Kubla Khan” and “Work Without Hope.” Once you have memorized these poems and can unfailingly produce them at a moment’s notice, you will be a better man, and questions about breaking the ice and avoiding cheesy lines will cease to bother your teeming brain.
If "The Ezra Pound" was sex position, what would it be?
The step-over toe hold.