Jill Alexander Essbaum

What’s the best thing about sleeping with a poet?
Couplets come in twos.

People always joke that the phrase "let me read you some of my poetry" is the best way to lose a girl. Why is that? How can I use my poetry to seduce someone?
Do they joke that? The best way I’ve heard to lose a girl is to blindfold her in the woods and spin her around really fast then leave her there without a compass or a map. How to seduce someone with a poem? Tell the girl that you wrote it exclusively for her. But do remember to find / replace every printed instance of your last girlfriend’s name.

Do you have any recommendations for some sexy literature to give my bookish girlfriend for the holidays?
Little Birds, Anaïs Nin. The Kinsey Report. Letters to Penthouse Forum. A stand-alone copy of The Song of Solomon. The collected lyrics of Barry White. Also, I wrote a book called Harlot and it has, as its cover art, a sketch of an ample-bottomed woman hugging a giant, erect phallus. Not the most subtle choice, but hey, whatever gets the job done.

I’ve written a love poem for my friend, who has no idea I’m interested in her. I want to give it to her for her upcoming birthday but I’m afraid that might be coming on too strong. What should I do?
Look, I’m kind of not the poet to ask. The path behind me’s littered with rose-scented vellums onto which sonnets of limerence and desire have been inked. My advice is to go for it. But, it’ll probably backfire.

My girlfriend thinks pornography is cheating so I promised to stop looking – but I didn’t. I feel bad for lying. How can I convince her that it’s not infidelity?
Never make a promise you can’t keep. Also: learn how to clear your cache, brother.

I have trouble speaking to women in bars. A simple "hello" always feels abrupt, and yet most "lines" are cheesy. Any advice for how to get things started?
You know how sometimes a person will approach you with a card that reads “Hello, I am deaf” and it’s attached to a sticker of the American flag or something else small and non-essential that he then expects you to buy? Make up some cards that read “Hello, I am smitten” and attach them to a sticker with your phone number printed on it. Failing that, send the lady another of what she’s drinking.

I'm a self-described feminist who just got out of a relationship. I've been dating again, and I always end up feeling a little offended when a guy asks me out and doesn't pay. I know that sounds hypocritical – and it's not like I don't have a job – but I can't help it. Can you believe in "equal rights" and still want a guy to buy you drinks?
If he asks you out, he should pay. Period.

My best friend is gay and has very conservative parents, who have often assume I'm his girlfriend. He's planning to come out to them over Thanksgiving, but he's asked me to come. I'm all for being supportive, but I don't want to get in the way of a family issue — especially since it will be easy for him to back out if his "girlfriend" is there. Should I decline the invite?
Stay out of it. It’s not your business. And anyway, beards are going out of style.

If The Ezra Pound was a sex position, what would it be?
It would be less shuddering than the Shakespeare, less taboo than the Dickinson, more euphemistic than the Anne Sexton, cleaner than the E.E. Cummings, less coy than the Sara Teasdale, more flaccid than the Thomas Hardy. Something like doing your chick pressed against the shower wall under lukewarm water.