Advice

Sex Advice From Polyamorists

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Sara, 21

What has polyamory taught you about dating?
I’m allowing myself to feel good. I’m expanding my capacity for giving and receiving love. I leave the judgment out and surround myself with non-judgmental people, poly or not.

My girlfriend and I technically have an open relationship. In the beginning it was fine but three years later I can tell that she is seething when I mention my other lady friends. She is my main partner and I don’t want to lose her. How do I deal with her jealousy?
It could just be time to go over whatever rules and boundaries that you created from the beginning. Now that you’ve been in the game for three years, you might have to look at those rules and reevaluate them for the present. And check in with yourself. There’s something that has you talking about something that makes her upset. Show some respect to your main partner.

I know my husband is having an affair, but I don’t know how to finally call him on it. What should I do?
Call him on it. Your suffering over what you think you know and what he may or may not be doing is not worth the rise in your blood pressure. You have to talk to him. The marriage may be past saving, or this could be the conversation to bring it back together.

My wife and I are going to have a three-way — what’s the best way to screen potential bedmates?
First and foremost, sit down together and really get clear on what you both want. A house boy/girl, or just an extra warm hole, or somewhere in-between? Let her do the talking — whether you’re picking up a guy or a girl, you are going to want to let her set the pace and do most of the flirting. As women, we’re less intimidating and easily make other women more comfortable. And always meet for coffee first, or something just as quick and easy, with no expectation of sex.

I date a lot. A lot. And I am always scared that I’ll call one guy by another guy’s name. What are some tricks for keeping all my paramours straight?
One way I keep the peace is pet names. I know that sounds kinda corny, but calling someone by the wrong name means an early night. However, if the "oh baby"s don’t come naturallly, stick with the natural sounds your body wants to make. Grunts, moans, and screams are huge ego boosts for the guy.

I recently met my boyfriend’s family, and I get along great with his sisters and mother. But it seems like this is somehow annoying him. How should I address this problem?
You should just talk to him. I can’t read his mind from here and no matter how close the two of you are, you cant either! It could be a multitude of things: jealousy, anxiety, tight briefs… You really won’t know anything unless you ask him, and when you do, don’t ask him in a way where you have already made up your mind.

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Jenny, 39

www.jennyonthepage.com

What has polyamory taught you about dating?
Love is not a limited commodity and jealousy is a manmade emotion. I’ve learned a lot about how people as a whole might love if there were no Disney movies telling us the "right" way to do things.

What’s the best way to pick up a polyamorist?
There are two answers to that question. One, just like you pick up anyone else. Go to the places you like and do the things you like to do and be open to meeting people that there might even be a possibility you’d be interested in. Two, join poly listservs, seek out and attend local poly events, and be open with people about your lifestyle choice. You might be surprised at who admits to having similar feelings.

I want sex several times a week but my husband is satisfied with several times a year. How can I get him interested in making love to me more often?
If there is no underlying medical issue, why not explore some of the fantasies you have a mutual interest in. You can also try introducing different sex toys, costumes, lingerie, role-playing, xxx films, sexting each other during the day, even having phone sex whenever you’re apart. If it starts becoming a chore, however, you might want to see a therapist to find out if something else is going on.

My wife and I are going to have a three-way — what’s the best way to screen potential bedmates?
Very carefully. Ask lots of questions. Go out on a few "dates." Talk out a number of scenarios of how the evening might proceed – which can be a big turn-on too. And talk about what the "day after" might look like too. Surprises can be fun, but when it comes to your first threesome, the fewer surprises the better.

I date a lot. A lot. And I am always scared that I’ll call one guy by another guy’s name. What are some tricks for keeping all my paramours straight?
Well, one way is to not use names at all. Stick to honey, baby, and sweetheart and don’t use one nickname for one guy. Otherwise you’ll just end up in the same situation. Other than that, the only other trick is to think before you speak, but that can be pretty tricky when you’re "in the zone."

My wife is extremely jealous, even though I am faithful. She wants me to call and check in several times a day and grills me when I have evening work commitments. How can I manage her jealousy without kowtowing to her insecurities?
That is something you have to nip in the bud. It’s unhealthy on her part and could even lead to marital issues. I would assure her of your fidelity and explain to her that her jealousy may actually end up pushing you further away. You don’t have to concede to her requests. Tell her you love her and you are not going to be treated as a child. She has to trust you. I’m not suggesting that your wife is cheating. But sometimes a person making such requests is cheating or thinking about cheating. Somewhere along the lines of "Methinks the lady doth protest too much…"

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Angel, 32

What has polyamory taught you about dating?
Most of the time I end up dating friends. One of the nice things about being polyamorous is not necessarily having to worry about where something is going with a friend.

What’s the best way to pick up a polyamorist?
The same way you would pick up anyone. Be yourself and be honest. Don’t sneak behind the back of someone else you’re dating to date someone who’s polyamorous.

My wife isn’t satisfied with my stamina but I don’t want to take the little blue pill. What else can I do to last longer in bed?
If it’s a problem of you having an orgasm before she likes, you can use kegels to help practice holding back when you’re about to cum. If it’s a problem with you staying hard long enough, you can try cock rings. You would want to put it on before getting hard. I would recommend buying a set of silicone ones to find out your size before buying metal ones.

My wife and I are going to have a three-way — what’s the best way to screen potential bedmates?
The best way would be to have sex with friends. You know them well and you know who you might be compatible with. If this isn’t an option, I would suggest becoming friends with a person with the open intent of a threesome. If this is also not an option, the best advice I can give is meet a potential match in a public space first to see if there’s any chemistry between the three of you.

I’m involved sexually with more than one woman, and I worry that there won’t be enough of me to go around. How do I avoid disappointing one or more of my partners?
Don’t take on more relationships than you can handle. It also depends on the level of commitment in each relationship. It’s easier to have several if they’re all very casual. If scheduling is an issue, use something like Google Calendar where everyone can share their calendar and see when someone is available or not.

I recently met my boyfriend’s family, and I get along great with his sisters and mother. But it seems like this is somehow annoying him. How should I address this problem?
Find out if he’s annoyed at you, his family, or just the situation. Does he dislike spending time with his family? If so, perhaps he’s afraid this will mean having to spend more time with them than he wants.

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