Advice

Sex Advice From Pub-Trivia Nerds

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Q: “Why are trivia players better in bed?” A: “Because we’re more grateful when it happens."


Chris, 24

How many times have you been to trivia night?
Like a hundred. I love trivia. I apply every time applications come around to Jeopardy and Who Wants to be a Millionaire? I would do Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?, but I feel like even though you win more money, it's embarrassing. What you win in money you sacrifice in dignity.

Would you ever date someone who sucked at trivia?
Probably not. It sounds terrible but, I feel like if someone sucked at trivia, it would be like a litmus test of their view on life. If you're not good at trivia you probably aren't the type of person who enjoys learning.

Harsh. Why are you being an asshole?
I don't want to be an asshole. I am hardcore about trivia. I've come here on many a first date.

To test them?
No not to test them… fine, a little bit. But really, it's like a peacock showing its plumage — “I'm good at trivia, be impressed with me.” Also there's drinks and pizza and that's my perfect date.

What kind of useless knowledge do you employ in the bedroom? 
If I'm employing it in the bedroom, it is not useless. You know the Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook series? They released one about dating which I read cover to cover. So I know that the best way to get really high boots off is to apply pressure from the back; that releases the vacuum seal and they just slip right off.

How can I get into the pants of a trivia champion?
I guess by being a champion. You know, celebrities always date other celebrities. Tell them something they don't know yet. That always turns me on.

Like, “You're smarter than me? I totally want to fuck you!” Why are trivia players better in bed?
Um… I was about to say something mean.

Say it! 
Because we're more grateful when it happens.

A lot of people I've met tonight are so self-deprecating.
I think being self-deprecating makes you better in bed. Sex is always better when you can laugh about it afterwards. There's a certain ironic outlook that trivia players have; we understand that we're nerds and that's fun for us. Even when sex is bad, we have fun doing it because it's fun to laugh at ourselves. Some people get into bed, and they start making "Rrrrrr, we're having sex now" faces. But sex is better when everything goes wrong.

Whenever I go out, guys ask for my number. I’m never interested in them, but I don’t know how to say no, and I'm either screening my calls or engaging in stupid texts for the next two weeks. How do I politely decline when a nice person asks for my number?
I have the same problem because I'm most charismatic around people that I'm not attracted to. So what ends up happening is I have this string of people that are interested in me because I'm awesome around them… anyway.

You get shy when you like someone?
Very shy. The best way to avoid that problem is to surround yourself with people that you actually are interested in, because then, the people who you're not interested in see that and they don’t approach you.

Isn't trivia a competitive sport?
I guess. I'd say most people aren't too competitive at trivia. There's pizza, there's booze. It's an opportunity to drink, hang out with friends, and use your knowledge to impress people. But really it's about the fun. 

Below the belt, do you prefer shaved, wax, or natural?
I shave.

Expect the same?
I don't care on other people. I like the feeling of my own being shaved. But on other people, I don't care as long as it's not crazy. I mean there are people where it's a little too much —  it shouldn't look like Bob Ross' trees on The Joy of Painting.


Lee, 26

How many trivia nights have you been to?
About a hundred. I've been coming here every week for two years. I've missed a couple, so maybe ninety-six.

Would you ever date someone who sucked at trivia?
My girlfriend doesn't suck at it — she's very good — but she hates it. Here, it's really hard to be good at everything but there are certain categories where I think, “God, I wish she were here." She doesn't like the culture of it. She thinks it's more male geek culture.

What kind of useless knowledge do you employ in the bedroom?
Movie quotes: “We're gonna need a bigger boat.”

What’s the best way to hit on someone at trivia night?
Same as at every other bar — except instead of buying them drinks, give them the free drinks that you won because you're so incredibly smart at useless trivia.

Is there such thing as a trivia groupie?
We're not that type of popular. If you're really good at trivia, you're probably really bad at the rest of your life. Knowing the names of Simpsons episodes never made you cool. In the right crowd it could still get you laid if you hung out with geeky girls, but it never made you cool. Sometimes you'd rather get laid than be cool, but…

Whenever I go out, guys ask for my number. I’m never interested in them, but I don’t know how to say no, and I'm either screening my calls or engaging in stupid texts for the next two weeks. How do I politely decline when a nice person asks for my number?
Oh, that's so easy. Play gay. I will be glad to help you out.

I need a gay friend with me at all times? Like a bodyguard?
I will be glad to help you out, that's is all I'm saying.

What's your preference for pubic hair? Shaved, waxed, natural?
No. If I wanted to date a small child, I would date a small child. Groomed.

I’ve been on five dates with a guy and we haven’t made it past second base. What’s wrong with him? What’s wrong with me?
We've ruled out religion/waiting until marriage? Absolutely nothing’s wrong. People are different. Maybe he's waiting for you to make the move.


Jason, 26

How many trivia nights have you attended?
Maybe ten.

Would you take someone you were dating to trivia night?
Depends on the trivia night. This one, certainly.

Because of the free pizza?
Of course!

So you would take out a first date somewhere where they gave you free food? 
You didn’t say first date — you said someone you were dating! Dating implies we’ve been on multiple dates. And they might have met my friends, which means this sort of scenario is more acceptable.

This is a good way to introduce your friends to a significant other. But would you date someone who sucked at trivia?
Certainly. I suck at trivia. That’s why I’m out here.

Best way to hit on people at trivia night?
Know all the answers.

So there’s something to be said for people who know what they’re doing at trivia night. And you’re admittedly not one of those people. So how do you fare at trivia night?
Terribly.

You never get girls?
Never.

Do your friends get girls?
No.

Have you ever flirted with someone for the answers? A few people have accused me of that when I was just trying to interview them.
I’m not surprised anyone accused you of flirting for answers.

Whenever I go out, guys ask for my number. I’m never interested in them, but I don’t know how to say no, and I'm either screening my calls or engaging in stupid texts for the next two weeks. How do I politely decline when a nice person asks for my number?
Say, “Sorry,” and shrug.

That’s it? Don’t you feel bad after that?
“Sorry” is better than getting her number and hopefully texting and then never hearing anything, right? At least you know right off the bat, and you can go home and be like I was wasted, she wasn’t into me because I was drunk, and make an excuse to make yourself feel better.

My boyfriend has some issues with premature ejaculation —
Sorry!

Yeah, me too. But how do I go about making that less awkward and awful for me?
Training. And up-frontness. “You are premature and we’re going to train.” Get him to the point of ejaculation and stop. Either that or have him wear three condoms.

I’ve been on five dates with a guy and we haven’t made it past second base. What’s wrong with him? What’s wrong with me?
He’s a prude. Assuming you want to make it past second base, you’re not forward enough.

But I’m an old-fashioned lady!
Well, then he’s nervous and scared, and you’re not forward.

Because I’m such a lady? Do you think he’s afraid to offend me?
Yes. Either that or he’s completely nervous because he ejaculates prematurely.

Not the same guy! Next question: I got drunk and cheated on my girlfriend with her friend. Is it okay not to tell her if we both regret it and don’t want anything to happen again?
Okay, hold on, I’m absorbing… No. You shouldn’t have slept with her friend. Technically, you should definitely tell her. But, uh, whether you do it or not is up to you.

Any other sex advice for us?
Be good at it. And practice. Practice makes perfect.