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Sex Advice from . . . Public Defenders

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Nancy, 28

My boyfriend has trouble keeping his erection. He’ll start out hard, but he often loses it before I have a chance to come. What should I do?
Two things: make the sex hotter and make sure you come. It’s easy for men to become distracted during the mechanical act of intercourse, particularly when past performances have given them reasons for insecurity. Vary your rhythm and whisper filthy nothings in his ear. Shoot him slutty glances. The key is to pull him away from his insecurities and keep him engaged. Most importantly, though, do everything you can to come before he withers. Whether foreplay needs to be extended or whether you need to poke around a bit before he gets in there, make sure you come while he’s fucking you. It will boost his confidence and keep you happy.

The guy I just started dating says he’s a virgin, but I find that implausible. How can I figure out if he’s telling the truth?
First, evaluate his credibility. Does his story make sense? Have you heard from a reliable source that he isn’t a virgin? Has he lied in the past? Does he have any reason to lie about this? Does he behave like a virgin during sex? Then ask yourself why you’re seeing a guy who you can’t trust without a cross-examination.

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The woman I’m dating told me she fantasizes about being kidnapped. Could I get in trouble if we roleplay this? What if she signs some sort of release form?
You’re smart to obtain evidence of her consent to any conduct that might otherwise constitute a crime, but make sure it’s clear that she’s given her consent freely and voluntarily. Even clear evidence of her consent may not stop the government from prosecuting if she turns on you. Just in case, I’d suggest taking lots of pictures of her performing clearly consensual acts during the “kidnapping.” At the very least, explicit photographic exhibits will make the trial more fun for everyone.

My boyfriend likes to have marathon lovemaking sessions, which is great, except that I chafe after awhile, even when we use lube. Is there something we can do?
First, make sure you’re dripping when intercourse begins. After a good bout of fucking, but before you begin to chafe, take a break. Spend the break licking and sucking and playing and teasing until you’re both about to explode. Resume intercourse. Again, after a decent spell, but before you begin to chafe, take another break. Spend this one in a warm shower rinsing each other.

Nancy I have to really concentrate to have an orgasm, and even then it doesn’t always work. How can I train myself to come?
Try having the most animalistic and frenetic sex of your life — sex so rough and bestial that you’re left with no room for contemplation, analysis or abstraction. Growl. Be the moment. Be the writhing, copulating mammal you are.

I’m a tall woman who likes to be on top. This can be awkward if the guy isn’t also tall. Can you recommend some methods for sex with a shorter man?
Exploit your inches by leaning forward and burying his face in your breasts. If you still feel awkward towering over him, turn around so that you face his feet while you ride him.

My boyfriend isn’t a very good kisser. How can I train him?
Are you sure he’s a bad kisser? Maybe you just kiss differently. It’s important to learn from each other to find a style that suits you both. If he really is a bad kisser, kiss him like you want to be kissed. Lead slowly and give him time to follow.



ErinErin, 26

I always end up dating guys who get in trouble with the law. Where can I go to meet men who are bad boys, but not actual criminals?
In an upper-class white neighborhood where no one actually gets arrested.

I have to really concentrate to have an orgasm, and even then it doesn’t always work. Can I train myself to come?
Definitely. The more contact you have with yourself, the more comfortable you’re going to get. Fantasize a lot and start thinking about sex more on a daily basis. Then you won’t have to think so hard later.

The guy I just started dating says he’s a virgin, but I find that implausible. How can I figure out if he’s telling the truth?
Give sex a whirl and see what happens — chances are, you’ll be able to tell. The opposite situation happened to me: a guy said he wasn’t a virgin, and then it turned out he’d been lying. I figure, if you’re taking precautions, who cares either way?

My girlfriend sometimes pees a little when we have sex. It doesn’t bother me much, but she finds it embarrassing. What can we do about this?
Catch her after she’s just gone. Wait outside the bathroom and be ready to pounce. Also, try to assure her that it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Getting it on sometimes means getting a little dirty.

I’m a tall woman who likes to be on top, but this can be awkward if the guy isn’t also tall. What else can we do?
Dude, you can still be on top with a shorter man. He could be sitting on the couch and you could face forward in his lap. That way you don’t have to be kissing, and you don’t have to feel like you’re lined up in two different positions. Or you could do it with him standing up, though it would depend how short he is — you could end up penis-to-knee and that would be no good. I’m a bit spatially challenged. That’s why I’m a lawyer and not an architect or a choreographer.

SethSeth, 29
http://www.newhampshirereview.com

How can I pick up a public defender?
Most importantly, don’t do it in a courthouse. They’ll assume you’re a former client, a current client, a prospective client, or a disgruntled distant family member. Your best bet would to catch a newbie defender on his or her way to the office for the first time. They still believe this is an entirely just world, and that sort of idealism is totally infectious.

The guy I just started dating says he’s a virgin. How can I figure out if he’s telling the truth?
Everyone tells someone when they’ve passed a major threshold in their life, like having sex for the first time, so it’s a sure bet his friends know. But it’s an equally sure bet they won’t dime their buddy out unless they feel as close to you as they do to him. Try to get in good with his friends, then gently press them for some intel. Start your questioning slow, and do it in the form of a direct- rather than a cross-examination — guys get suspicious if they think they’re being played against one another.

My boyfriend isn’t a very good kisser. How can I train him?
When men struggle to kiss effectively, it’s usually for one of six reasons: they’re nervous, they’re distracted, they’re rushing, they’re hypochondriacs, they’re eager to move past the kissing stage, or they’re worried that one of you has bad breath. So avoid doing it immediately after a meal, and try to create the sort of atmosphere in which he’s calm, focused and able to spend as much time as both of you want and need. And whatever you do, don’t touch him within six inches of his groin unless you’re prepared for his kissing aptitude to fall off markedly.

Where can I go to meet men who are bad boys, but not actual criminals?
A surprisingly large percentage of crimes involve alcohol, drugs, mental illness, or some combination of the three, so avoid bars, rock concerts and artist colonies. The real problem with seeking a “criminally sexy” guy who’s not an actual criminal is that, in doing so, you’re guaranteeing yourself a man who either a) isn’t very good at what he does, or b) wants to be something he isn’t. The truth is, you can’t judge from a man’s appearance how he’ll be in bed, and the more you try, the more you get personality traits you weren’t seeking.

The woman I’m dating told me she fantasizes about being kidnapped. Could I get in trouble for this kind of roleplay?
Look at it this way: legal or not, do you really want a police officer pulling you over on a dirt road in Utah and finding your girlfriend bound and gagged in the trunk? There are countless ways that scheme can go wrong that have absolutely nothing to do with a criminal conviction. If you’ve never kidnapped someone before, you’re sure to bungle it the first time.

My last three girlfriends cheated on me and I’ve lost my faith in relationships. Any advice for learning to trust someone again?
If there’s one thing being a public defender teaches you, it’s that people, by and large, possess more redemptive qualities than damning ones. Women and men who cheat say more about themselves by cheating than they do about their mates. If public defenders can maintain genuine faith in the power of redemption despite years and years of contrary evidence and experience, so can you. Keep looking for that heart of gold.

RhondaRhonda, 29

The guy I just started dating says he’s a virgin, but I find that implausible. How can I figure out if he’s telling the truth?
Guys usually don’t lie about being a virgin unless they have serious issues, and guys usually aren’t virgins unless they’re Catholic or off in some major way. Take the time to get to know him, and things will unfold on their own. He’ll either turn out to be a really nice guy or a real weirdo.

Where can I go to meet men who are bad boys, but not actual criminals?
Look into dating a cop. Most law-enforcement officials are corrupt. Be patient with him and you’ll get past the good-guy facade.

I have to really concentrate to have an orgasm, and even then it doesn’t always work. How can I train myself to come?
Practice with a vibrator, then hold your breath just as you’re getting close to coming. This will increase the blood pressure down there and make the sensation stronger.

I’m a tall woman who likes to be on top. Can you recommend some techniques?
Lie on the edge of the bed and have him stand up. This works with all but the shortest of guys.

My boyfriend isn’t a very good kisser. How can I train him?
Drink a bottle of wine together and then have a long makeout session. Pretend you’re teenagers: no sex allowed. If you really take time to explore together and try different rhythms and pressures, chances are you’ll find a way of kissing that works for both of you.

My girlfriend and I argue about little things all the time. Our friends think this is unhealthy, but we’re generally happy and we really get off on the makeup sex. How can we make sure our fights aren’t becoming detrimental?
My parents argue about everything! Even the most ridiculous things, like who’s the better produce picker. I’m sure most people would think that they have an unhealthy relationship as well, but they’ve been together for over thirty years. Don’t worry too much about the little things you argue over. Just keep an eye out for the big stuff.  

Interviews by Megan Miller. Sex Advice From… appears on Thursdays. Have questions for the general public? Send them to sexadvicefrom@nerve.com.

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