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Sex Advice From: Publicists

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Aimee, 30

How can I recover from the sexual PR disaster of:
– Having my sex tape discovered by my roommate?

Pull a Paris Hilton and profit from your taped sexcapades by adding a viewing fee to your roomie’s share of the cable bill.
– Giving someone an STD?
Since it’s something the receiver would want to keep quiet, too, there’s not much risk of word spreading around town (and now that you know, you shouldn’t be spreading anything else around, either). Unless of course, you are a rock star and someone creates a blog called yournameheregavemeherpes.com. Then you’re fucked. And probably not fucking too many groupies after that.

What can I do to drum up good publicity to impress my latest crush?
A good word-of-mouth campaign works well. Depending on the crush, a word-of-mouth-skills campaign may work even better.

My boyfriend just grew a beard and it makes him look like my dad. I’m surprisingly not turned off by it. Should he shave it off immediately?
If you believe Freud, all us females have those Oedipal issues, so I say go with it. Call him Daddy and make him spank you for being naughty. You’ll probably be surprisingly turned on by it.

What’s a sexual practice everyone should try once before they die?
A threesome, because you get more than one notch on your belt at the same time.

What’s one most everyone can go their whole lives without?
I just heard of something called a “flaming Amazon” the other day. I think most people can go without having sex that involves lighters and fire.

What’s the number one thing everyone should have in their sex drawer (other than condoms and lube)?

Handcuffs. Make that two things — handcuffs and the keys.

My boyfriend is thirty-two and still living at home with his folks. It’s a nice house and I guess he has enough privacy, but is this unhealthy? He has a job, so theoretically he can afford to move.
Is this “nice house” in New York City, by any chance? Say, a brownstone with a separate entrance? Some may say it’s unhealthy to spend thousands of dollars a month for rent when you could be living for free. Then again, if he’s living there because no one cooks his meals or does his laundry like mom does, or because he takes comfort in sleeping near his high-school trophies, or because he can then spend all his money freebasing instead of paying rent . . . well, that’s unhealthy.

What dress-up game is most fun in the bedroom?

The classic Catholic schoolgirl uniform usually does the trick for most guys. But wouldn’t it be more fun if both people dressed up? Say, in superhero costumes? Or how about I’ll wear the dirndl if you don the lederhosen?

What’s the best way to pick up a publicist?

Hitting media-heavy events that have full open bars.

Bruce, 31

How can I recover from the sexual PR disaster of:
– Publicly and drunkenly hooking up at a bar in front of my colleagues?

I absolutely recommend joking about the slip of tongue the following morning — first thing, so you beat others to the punch.
– Having my sex tape discovered by my roommate?
Apologize in a most humble manner, and ask if they’d like you to burn them a copy.
– Cheating on a well-liked boyfriend/girlfriend?
Don’t deny or confirm. Just move forward.
– Giving someone an STD?
Apologize, and do everything you can to help the victim recover.

What can I do to drum up good publicity to impress my latest crush?
Invite them to the coolest party/event in town, get good seats at a happening play, have care packages delivered from friends in only the hippest industries.

Two friends of mine keep implying that they’d be interested in a threesome with me, but they’ve never outright asked. So how can I tell them no without outright saying it?
In a jocular manner, just be frank and abrupt. Mention in passing, “I will never entertain having a threesome with you two.” Take them by surprise!

How long should you know someone before:
Having intercourse?

A week.
Having oral sex?
Second date.
Having anal sex?
Until you have accepted the fact that you will never be the same again.
Disclosing your complete sexual past?
Wait until asked.
Giving/accepting an expensive gift?
Just take it. The art of giving would be pointless if people did not graciously accept.
Saying the “L” word?
If you follow your heart, you’ll know the right moment.
Moving in together?
At least six months.
Proposing marriage?
One year.
Proposing baby-making?
Three years.

How long is too long to go without sex if you’re in a relationship?
Two weeks.
If you’re not in a relationship?
One month.

What’s the number one thing everyone should have in their sex drawer (other than condoms and lube)?
Porn, Mary J, erotic poetry, naked self-portraits and a copy of Moby Dick.

I keep running into this guy I had a drunken one-night stand with two years ago. Apparently, we have mutual friends. I know it’s been a while since we slept together, but I still get really awkward around him. Should I mention the one-night stand, or pretend it didn’t happen?
Pretend it didn’t happen, unless there is a recharged chemistry.

I just started dating a man who has two young children. I’ve never dated anyone with kids before, and it seems strange that he already wants me to meet his children. I worry that it’s too early. What’s the protocol? What is going to be best for the kids and best for the relationship?
Consult your man — tell him how you feel, it will ease the stress of the situation. Then watch the movie Overboard starring Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell.

What dress-up game is the most fun to play in the bedroom?
An officer and a gentleman.

Daniel, 26

How can I recover from the sexual PR disaster of:
– Publicly and drunkenly hooking up at a bar in front of my colleagues?
Say you did it as a dare for some outrageous financial sum and that the person was coming on to you really hard to begin with.
– Cheating on a well-liked boyfriend/girlfriend?
Say that you came down with the flu and thought that other person was your girlfriend.
– Giving someone an STD?
Tell them you just got back from a fabulous vacation somewhere in Southeast Asia, where you were doing something outrageous like cliff diving and it must have come from some unknown bacteria in your dingy hotel room.

What can I do to drum up good publicity to impress my hot new neighbor?
Expanding on the truth is good. If you own a bike, it’s a bike Greg Lamond gave you when you saw him post-Tour de France victory.

I have a huge crush on a guy who I know is more physically attractive than myself, but I’m sure that if I just sell myself right, he’ll fall head over heels. How can I do this?
Just be honest about who you are. Have a sense of humor, and be completely shameless. As soon as you start making apologies for your shortcomings, you’re screwed.

Two friends of mine keep implying that they’d be interested in a threesome with me, but they’ve never outright asked. So how can I tell them no without outright saying it?
Buy a T-shirt that says, “I hate threesomes,” and wear it every day for a week.

How long is too long to go without sex if you’re in a relationship?
When you start masturbating more than three or four times a day.

If you’re not in a relationship?
When your hand hurts from masturbating so much.

I’m about to hook up with a woman who I know believes I’m much cooler and colder than I am. I think it’s why she’s into me in the first place. Should I enjoy playing the part or should I dare to get cuddly post-coitus?
You should definitely be cuddly, because if you’re holding back you’re just going to be sitting there feeling awkward and that’s going to be far worse than if you’re like, “No, this is who I am, this is what I’m about.”

What’s the best way to ask out a stranger without having it seem like a slick pick-up?
It would have to be some type of organic progression. Let’s say you’re in a hardware store, you’ve got the bolts and she’s got the nuts, and all of a sudden you strike up this great conversation and there it is.
That’s exactly how I met my ex, actually.
In a hardware store?
No, I’m a liar.
That’d be amazing.

What’s the best way to pick up a publicist?

Tell them you have incredible contacts all over the country.

Sarah, 30

What can I do to drum up good publicity to impress my hot new neighbor?
Definitely try to look cute at all hours, going to the gym and the grocery store, doing your laundry. And be friendly to everyone in the building. A guy in my building just said to me: “You’re like the mayor of this building.” And I was all, “Yeah, I know.”

My boyfriend of three months recently disclosed that he and a friend had hooked up once before we were together, and decided it meant nothing. I’ve always thought she was after him, and this just solidifies my mistrust of her. How can I make it clear to her that what happened is staying in the past? I don’t want my boyfriend to know I said something to her. Is that impossible?
I had something like that happen in college. I went up to her and said, “Stay the fuck away from my boyfriend,” and she was like, “What are you talking about?” It was ridiculous — it was three years after she’d hooked up with him. My advice is: don’t even bother. Don’t sweat it. Think highly of yourself. Everybody has a past; you can’t get around that.

I keep running into this guy I had a drunken one night stand with two years ago. Apparently, we have mutual friends. I know it’s been a while since we slept together but I still get really weird around him. Should I mention the one-night stand or pretend it didn’t happen?
Pretend that it didn’t happen — total nonchalance. You’re fabulous, you’re wonderful; why are you freaking out? That’s how I would act every single time.

What dress-up game is the most fun to play in the bedroom?
I hear people like to do that “element of fear” thing, where there’s a robber or a rapist or something, which is really kind of weird to me. I love lingerie and cute little PJs. Usually a guy will notice — “Oh, it matches!” — and want to take it off. So if the guy is coming over, it’s nice to have a little nightie on.

I had a friend who thought college would be like the movies, in the sense that girls would all wear matching bra-and-underwear sets. And when he found out that wasn’t true, he was devastated: “They’re not even trying.”
When you make the extra effort to match, it is definitely noticed and appreciated.

I’m pretty lazy and selfish in the sack. Is there any way I can be a great lay with minimal effort?
I think if you’re a woman, the missionary position can work for that. Missionary, then just make a lot of noise — because then you’re making them go crazy. A guy always has to work, but a guy always wants to work.

What’s the best way to pick up a publicist?
Come to a party. Publicists like to drink, they like to smoke, they like to talk. Schmooze with us. And be forward.
 

Interviews by Kate Sullivan. Sex Advice From… appears on Thursdays. Have questions for the general public? Send them to sexadvicefrom@nerve.com.


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