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Sex Advice From . . . Puppetry of the Penis Stars

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"How many shapes can I make with my flaccid penis, and how can I get audiences around the world to pay to see me do it?" It’s not a question your average man asks himself, but Australians Simon Morley and David Friend are not your average men. According to the duo’s official website , Friend began his career in the bathtub and “developed his skills further when he discovered beer in college." Wearing nothing but capes and sneakers, the performers debuted their shape-shifting genital show at the 1998 Melbourne International Comedy Festival. It became an unlikely hit in London and New York, drawing a surprising number of tourists, a predictable contingent of bachelorettes, and several additional performers. We figured anyone brave enough to perform “The Hamburger” before thousands of people could be trusted to provide sex advice.

Joey Dixon, 36
What’s the most outrageous pickup line someone’s used on you after watching you perform?

Strangely enough, I rarely get picked up after the show. And I really do want to be, honestly! Instead of being offended or hurt by the lack of interest people have in me after seeing me nude, I chalk it up to people’s irrational aversion to associating with show folk.

If humor has a place in bed, when is funny too funny?

The only rule I have to offer on this subject is, never laugh or joke about a person’s physical endowments. Ever! On a tangent, the same rule applies to dancing. Never make fun or point at a person’s inability to dance. We all need to believe that we look halfway decent just to work up the nerve to get out there and have fun. Even if we are, in fact, making a fool of ourselves.

Does genital origami, in your experience, have any practical purpose in bed? Is it something the layman should learn?

Genital origami can be excellent foreplay, if one remembers the golden rule: no good dick trick was ever done with an erection. Or, as we puppeteers put it, we don’t work hard. The only exception to this rule is “The Spitting Cobra.”

What’s the key to a good hand job and the "digital stimulation" of women?
The secret to both is communication. As cliché as it may seem, the old “Faster, no, slower” technique really does get results.


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Best sex toy for beginners? For advanced swimmers?
For beginners, I would imagine one of those very small, battery operated digital vibrators fits the bill. One of the best things about these devices is they can be discreetly taken to work! For advanced swimmers, I must admit that I have experimented with the cat-o-nine-tails. Both giving and receiving. The good thing about this one is that the actual thwack and pain is broken up by the sweet and gentle swish-swish-swish of the tails on one’s back. You never know when the thwack is going to come. Fascinating and very cerebral. Everyone should try it.

Male bisexuality: myth or reality?

Like it or not, the fact is we are all bisexual to some degree, even if that degree is .00000001 or less. So we should probably all give it a try. Perhaps yours will be just one thought or glance in a lifetime. Perhaps more. In any case, it doesn’t make you anything you don’t want to be. Fear is never a good motivator. Curiosity, however, is.

What’s a good place to engage in public sex?

Some would say there is no proper place for public sex, others would argue that the excitement and fear of getting caught are so intoxicating as to make it worth the risk. The fact is there are places in the world that are designed for the purpose. They are called swinger’s clubs. You don’t actually have to want to swap partners in order to visit one. Perhaps all you want to do is try watching or being watched. Look into it if you’re curious.

Do’s and don’ts for making dirty home video?
Do make a home video of any variety of sex you want. Don’t leave it lying around the house unlabeled for just anyone to pick up. God forbid they might tape over it!

Name a specific sex move/technique involving the tongue that will make anyone scream (the good kind of scream).
Remember Eddie Murphy’s alphabet? It really works if you can’t think of anything else at the moment. No one knows that you’re doing it — they just know you are breaking up your usual tongue routine. Go all the way from A to Z and back again as many times as you want. It can even work on a guy.

Is it okay to sleep with friends’ exes?
Ask your friend. In a roundabout way, of course.

If you’re asked to do something you don’t feel comfortable with, how do you decline gracefully?
First, give the matter serious consideration out of respect for your partner. Don’t ever laugh or belittle, and if it is something you truly don’t want to do, simply say no, that you are not cool with it at the moment. Remember: while nothing is wrong between consenting adults, consent must be truly genuine to count.

Group sex with friends: rules to avoid weirdness?
To tell the truth, I have had some success with this. The key, again, is respect and communication. It’s also important to remember that jealousy happens between partners in these kind of situations. It’s a natural response, but it is ugly and can really fuck things up if not dealt with. So deal with it! Talk to your partners about how you feel and then decide where to go from there. There is an excellent book on the subject entitled The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt. I recommend it to anyone who is considering having a sex life that is anything other than purely monogomous.

How do you let someone know on a date that you want to sleep with them without being too obvious — men and women?
Go ahead and be obvious. What have you got to lose except a little bit of face? Whether we know it or not, we all have plenty of face to spare. Pride is overrated anyway. This applies to both sexes.

Most overlooked rule of sexual etiquette?
Respect! Or is it communication? No, it’s respect! On second thought maybe it’s communication. I can’t decide.

How do you get a penis puppeteer to come home with you?
Given my track record getting laid as a puppeteer, I think all you’d have to do is ask!

Preston Levato, 28

What’s the most outrageous pickup line someone’s used on you after watching you perform?
“Hey, Joey’s hot. Could you introduce me?”

If humor has a place in bed, when is funny too funny?
No matter how funny your orgy story is, you probably shouldn’t share it with the new guy while you’re getting it on.

What’s the key to a good hand job?
Lots of hand warmup, finger stretching, knuckle cracking. Then just use your mouth.

Best sex toy for beginners? For advanced swimmers?
For beginners, a nice sexy pair of lacy panties. For advanced swimmers, a pair for her, too.

Male bisexuality: myth or reality?
C’mon, are you actually suggesting that some males might pretend they’re gay just to score chicks? I mean, really, that’s shameful.

Say you’re into kink. How do you initiate that with a new partner?
Let Prince and pink champagne do all the talking.

What’s a good place to engage in public sex?
Not prison. Utah, maybe.

Do’s and don’ts for making dirty home video?
Remember, good porn is built on bad plots. So don’t be afraid to take some extra time to hastily throw together any cheesy, contrived rendezvous with a moustache. He’ll probably want a copy for his time with your wife also; tell him she was payment enough.

Name a specific sex move/technique involving the tongue that will make anyone scream.

Simply use your tongue to say, “I love you.” Just make sure she buys it.

Is it okay to sleep with friends’ exes?

Did you introduce them? Besides, are they really friends if they wouldn’t forgive you?

How do you decline gracefully if you are asked to do something you don’t feel comfortable doing in bed?
I fake falling asleep.

Group sex with friends: Rules to avoid weirdness?
Include your parents. Anything that could seem weird with a friend will pale in comparison to what you did with your father.

Is it okay to sleep around at the office?
A general rule of thumb, if there’s casual Friday, there’s casual sex.

How do you let someone know on a date that you want to sleep with them without being too obvious?

During dinner, excuse yourself to go to the restroom. Upon returning, approach from the back to avoid detection. Subtly tap her on the shoulder with your erection. It works like a charm.

Most overlooked rule of sexual etiquette?
Definitely rule four, which reads as follows: If he forgets, misuses, or never listened to your name, it does not constitute grounds for a cessation of “getting it on.”

How do you get a penis puppeteer to come home with you?
Shame on you. The question is not, “How do you get us to come home with you?” It’s, “How do we get penis puppeteers to stop following us?”

Simon Morley, 38

If humor has a place in bed, when is funny too funny?

Good humor is someone falling off the bed while attempting a difficult position. Bad humor is farting in someone’s face during oral sex.

Does genital origami have any practical purpose in bed?

No, not in bed. That is a very different show, but it will, over time, help genital growth. A couple of hours a day will keep the laughs away.

What’s the key to a good hand job?
Two hands, and plenty of lubrication. I highly recommend Lush massage bars.

Digital stimulation of women: what is the key?
Start light and slow, there is no hurry. You should also utilize the thumb of the other hand.

Best sex toy for beginners? For advanced swimmers?
A piece of fruit for beginners, a pussy snorkel for your more advanced swimmer.

Male bisexuality: myth or reality?

The line has blurred, really. I’d say reality. A lot of guys get curious, and may want to try something different, and that’s cool. But how many cocks do you suck before you’re gay? Not my area really.

Say you’re into kink. How do you initiate that with a new partner?
Get them home, and have some of your equipment on display. Curiosity killed the cat. A bit of frank, fruity talk about sex always gets people a little hot, too, I think. Try starting with the old “Where is the strangest place you did it?” question.

What’s a good place to engage in public sex?

I like planes and trains. Parks can be fun too. Oh, and on a tropical beach, in and out of the water. Sneaky sex is great.

Do’s and don’ts for making a dirty home video?
Use a tripod, otherwise it gets all a bit Blair Witch. Don’t blow on the camera, it can get expensive and it’s difficult to explain while claiming your warranty. Also, don’t leave the tape around. Not unless you want to end up on television, that is.

Playing with "the twins" during foreplay: yay or nay?
Yes, and make it rough! You can give them a good tugging, but just don’t squeeze the ball. This is what’s painful, not the scrotum.

Name a specific sex move/technique involving the tongue that will make anyone scream.
Tonguing the ass always gets the desired reaction. Get your thumb working here, too.

Is it okay to sleep with friends’ exes?

This is very dangerous territory. I’d say no. There are millions of people out there — don’t go screwing up good friendships over a lay.

How do you decline gracefully if you’re asked to do something you don’t feel comfortable doing in bed?

Crack up laughing, and call them a freak. Then threaten to call their mother.

What’s the oddest thing you’ve been asked to do with your body?

Drinking champagne from my scrotum. This is known as the “cocktail.”

Group sex with friends: rules to avoid weirdness?
Just don’t do it, I think. Strangers are always better. It’s just too dangerous. But if you do want to, get some sexy masks; they’re always fun.

How do you let someone know on a date that you want to sleep with them without being too obvious — men and women?
It’s all in the eyes — zero in and give them plenty of attention.

Most overlooked rule of sexual etiquette?
Tidy up. A little hygiene is a great thing. No area should be out of bounds.

How do you get a penis puppeteer to come home with you?
Do ask him nicely. Don’t ask to see more tricks.

David Friend, 35

What’s the most outrageous pickup line someone’s used on you after watching you perform?

One girl was waiting backstage and offered her bachelorette friend to fellate one or both of us. This was the only time this has ever happened, unfortunately. It wasn’t a line, but it was certainly outrageous — we were naked!

What’s the key to a good hand job?
Lush massage bars!

Digital stimulation of women: what’s the key?
Little circles. Don’t try to rub it off.

Best sex toy for beginners? For advanced swimmers?

Anything that vibrates. Then anything that vibrates and moves in more than one direction in more than one place.

Male bisexuality: myth or reality?

Reality. I saw it on TV.

Say you’re into kink. How do you initiate that with a new partner?
When you slip into something more comfortable, come out in the gimp suit.

What’s a good place to engage in public sex?
Anywhere your mothers aren’t.

Do’s and don’ts for making a dirty home video?
Don’t leave it where someone else will find it, unless you want it to be found, of course.

How do you decline gracefully if you are asked to do something you don’t feel comfortable doing in bed?
Laugh it off as if they were joking and move along.

Group sex with friends: rules to avoid weirdness?
Lights out.

How to confess you’ve been unfaithful and escape with your relationship intact?
Don’t be unfaithful.

How do you let someone know on a date that you want to sleep with them without being too obvious — men and women?
Women can just come out and ask if they want to. Men always want to and women know that.

Most overlooked rule of sexual etiquette?
Washing.

How do you get a penis puppeteer to come home with you?
Become a taxi driver.  


Sex Advice From… appears on Thursdays. Do you have sex-advice questions for the general public? Send them to sexadvicefrom@nerve.com.


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