Sex Advice From Rabbis

Q: "What's the best piece of relationship advice from the Torah?" A: "Don't read it."

By Amanda Green

Rabbi Marci Bellows, 33

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Some people don't realize that rabbis can get married. What's your relationship status?
I'm single, and I do date. But it's challenging to find someone who can see me in a three-dimensional way and who's not intimidated by the fact that I'm a rabbi.

Have you ever seen a man go from interested to uninterested as soon as he hears the r-word?
Yes! I actually did this experiment on JDate where I put down that I was a rabbi. I wanted to see if anyone contacted me. Only one guy did — he was asking for rabbinic advice. But I was like, "I don't want to be your rabbi. I want a boyfriend." Then I did an experiment where I changed "rabbi" to "Jewish educator," which is technically accurate. I got contacted, but in the chatting or emails, I'd mention I'm a rabbi. Things would pretty much stop there.

But you've got a lot of great "unrabbi-ish" qualities and interests.
Right. I do improv comedy, where I'm silly and obscene. Some of my congregants and I went to see Lady Gaga. We dressed up and sprayed our hair different colors and everything. I'm a recovering karaoke addict.

What qualities does a man need to be with a female rabbi?
I think it takes a confident man who's comfortable with himself to date any strong woman, whether she's a lawyer or a rabbi or whatever. I didn't know this would be an issue when I become a rabbi. I think male rabbis might have it easier, because it's more socially acceptable for men to have positions of power. I started rabbinical school engaged, but then that broke up because he didn't want to be with a rabbi. Then I was in a four-year relationship throughout rabbinical school, but the same thing happened.

Beyond the gender issue, it does take a special person to date a religious leader.
Right. I need someone who's comfortable working the room and making small talk during services and who doesn't feel threatened by my work. People also assume they have to be super-Jews, but that's not the case. I don't need to be with someone who's particularly observant.

What if you found the perfect guy for you, and he was Christian?
For our seminary in the Reform movement, you have to promise to marry someone Jewish. But I'd hope that if I found the perfect person who wasn't Jewish, he'd be willing to convert. Judaism is such an important part of my life that I'd want him to be part of that.

What do you think is the best piece of relationship advice from the Torah?
The first commandment is the Torah is "Be fruitful and multiply." We should be having sex. Never mind the fact that sex is pleasurable, and we're not supposed to be an ascetic people — it's okay to enjoy life. My most favorite teaching is the idea that everyone's made in the image of God. There's something divine and unique about each person, and that should translate into love, caring, and reciprocity.

My boyfriend's Jewish, and I'm a gentile. I'm not particularly religious, but he says he wants to have a Jewish family with a Jewish woman. We love each other and aren't thinking about marriage at this point, but are we wasting each other's time?
Some of the most dedicated families in my synagogue are interfaith families. Sometimes the non-Jewish partner converts or sometimes the couple just agrees to raise the children Jewish. You should talk about the religious aspect. If you do end up getting married and having kids, I'd just encourage raising children in one religion. Trying to do both is complicated. A lot of kids feel conflicted. They feel they have to choose between their parents, not just between religions.

My girlfriend says her mom is her best friend and tells her super-intimate details about our relationship. I've asked my girlfriend not to share so much — especially after her mom has brought certain issues up with me — but she says this is just the way things are. How should I deal with my girlfriend's meddling mom?
The girlfriend needs to see that she and the boyfriend are the new nucleus, even if they're not married. If the boyfriend isn't comfortable with what the girlfriend tells her mom, she needs to meet him halfway. There are things that need to be just between the two of them. Otherwise, he'll start censoring himself or closing himself off.

I'm a gay man. I've had strong feelings for a guy at my workplace for awhile. We flirt and get along great, but he has a boyfriend. Lately, he's begun confiding in me that the relationship isn't working out so well. What should I do?
As long as you're not encouraging the coworker to cheat on his current partner, I think there's nothing wrong with building that friendship. You can reach out without an ulterior motive to let your co-worker know you care. If there are sparks that are meant to develop, then the other relationship will run its course. But don't force it, since you don't want to be the other man, or know that your relationship started that way.

I love everything about the man I'm dating except having sex with him. We're just not that sexually compatible. We've been together a long time, but I know I've had better sex with other partners. Is this a dealbreaker? 
I would hope not. Sex is a very important part of a relationship, but so much more goes into a successful, loving partnership, like caring, support, and devotion. If there's a technique issue, that can be worked on. If there's a chemistry issue, that's a little more complicated. But I'd hope that a person recognizes all the other things a partner brings and that two people who are otherwise happy with each other would see a therapist and work on their sexual relationship.