Rabbi Robert Barr, 56

www.ourjewishcommunity.org

What's your relationship status?
I'm married, but I don't talk about my marriage publicly. That's the deal I made with my wife thirty years ago.

Were you already a rabbi when you got married?
We got married when I was in rabbinical school. I've been a controversial figure over the years. It's one thing for people to call me up and yell at me about it, but she shouldn't have to go through that.

Is it harder to date after you've already been ordained vs. when you're in rabbinical school?
I'm not sure. When I was ordained, it was still mostly men. There weren't really second-career rabbis, either. Times were different, too. Back then, people went to college and often got married in graduate school. Now people wait longer. Both partners have careers. It's more complicated.

Surely there have always been people uncomfortable with the idea of dating a rabbi, though.
Right. Because we're holy? It's bizarre. It's sad that the notion of a religious person is an ascetic. Rabbis are regular people, but they're in public professions. People have this idea that a rabbi's personal life is different from any other person's personal life. It's really not the case.

Why are rabbis better lovers?
Because they're perfect! That was a joke. One would hope people who go into the clergy are self-reflective and able to listen and empathize. A person like that will probably do better in a relationship. That being said, lots of people could have these skills.

What do you think is the best piece of relationship advice from the Torah?
Don't read it. It's the myths and legends of our people. The relationships in it were defined by incredible sexism and homophobia. We've evolved from this.

My boyfriend's Jewish, and I'm a gentile. I'm not particularly religious, but he says he wants to have a Jewish family with a Jewish woman. We love each other and aren't thinking about marriage at this point, but are we wasting each other's time?
I would ask this girl why she's dating this guy. I find his comment offensive. If he wants a Jewish woman, why isn't he dating one? If a woman is okay to date, how could she not be okay to consider marrying? He could ask if she's willing to adopt Judaism, but saying she'll never be acceptable to him is inappropriate. She deserves better.

I've recently started dating this guy, but there's one problem: I've led him to believe that I'm way more sexually experienced than I actually am. How do I come clean without him thinking he can't trust me?
It's time to take a step back and say, "I think I misled you, and I'm sorry…" If this person wasn't being manipulative, then it's fine to explain that this is a highly sexualized world. We think there are these expectations of our experiences, and it's not fair.

What about the opposite — what about lying and saying you're less sexually experienced that you actually are?
People don't tell the truth about these things, because they're embarrassed. Good relationships are built on honesty, and it's best to be honest from the beginning. I'd clear up any misgivings right away.

Should you share the number of partners you've had?
What does the number even mean? Is it vaginal sex? What about oral or anal sex? What about having an emotional relationship? I find conversations like this almost juvenile, because they reduce relationships in this competitive way. There's no emotional context. You don't need to share a number, but you should be open about your experiences and emotional context.

I love everything about the man I'm dating except having sex with him. We're just not that sexually compatible. We've been together a long time, but I know I've had better sex with other partners. Is this a dealbreaker?
Sex is not separate and distinct from the relationship. I'd ask if there's something else in the relationship preventing good sex. Or if someone is afraid to say, "This is what I'd like. This is what feels good to me." That needs to be an ongoing conversation. As much as we live in a sexualized world and think we've moved past this, it can still be really difficult to honestly talk about sex with our partners.

You know, my editor was wondering if I'd have the chutzpah to ask a rabbi about anal sex…
People have used all the orifices of the body to enjoy pleasure, and I think that's a wonderful thing. I think people still view anal sex with a certain lens of homophobia. We shouldn't suggest that some form of sex is better or more acceptable than any other form of sex. My concern is that people don't do a good job talking about the implications of sexual behavior. People need to be safe.