Advice

Sex Advice From Rappers

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Theory Engine, 29
www.myspace.com/theoryengine777

Is there anything rapping can teach you about your love life that you couldn’t learn from any other pursuit?
How to gesticulate wildly and rhythmically without looking foolish. Believe me, it translates.

If someone’s a terrible rapper, what does that say about their performance in bed?
That surely hinges on what one likes subjectively about rap, and, in turn, sex. What makes a good MC to you? Intellect, cleverness, and wit? Emotion, passion, and empathy? Swagger, confidence, and charisma? I prefer a good measure of all the aforementioned traits. A well-balanced rapper will probably make for an adaptable, conscientious lover.

When it comes to sex, do you prefer a lover with the tasteful, less-is-more approach of DJ Premier or the all-out halftime show insanity of David Banner?shakir
This is very dependent on context. Like, the first time you make love to somebody, it’s a safe bet to stick with that ol’ BOOM BAP. But if you’re feeling CRUNK and in WILD-OUT MODE, gotta let it happen as it happens. Like with most situations, you just have to read the signs.

I’ve got a serious crush on a guy who works at my neighborhood coffee shop. What’s the best way to get his attention?
Tons of eye-contact and a flirty comment now and then. Smile at him, too, and try to not look like a disheveled vagabond when you go in there, either, even if it’s at some horrifically early hour.

My girlfriend is obsessed with skee-ball, but always gets upset when she loses. Is it ethical to let her win?
It’s not unethical unless you don’t let her know that you basically forfeited. If she’s as annoying as she sounds, she won’t believe that you let her win, so you are morally and romantically in the clear. Win-win!

What should the single public know about the romantic lives of rappers?
My girlfriend seemed pissed about the idea of me answering sex questions until I showed them to her. So, I have to deal with the same day-to-day operations and maintenance that anyone else does. One leg at a time, my man.

Johnny Polygon, 25
http://www.myspace.com/johnnypolygon

I have a bad habit of not picking up on red flags until it’s too late. What would you say is the biggest indicator that a relationship is dead in the water?
If you start fighting more than you laugh together, or if you’d rather jack off than hit it… peace out!

If someone’s a terrible rapper, what does that say about their performance in bed?
That he or she will be horrible and selfish in bed, yet have absolutely no clue or even think the opposite.

When it comes to sex, do you prefer a lover with the tasteful, less-is-more approach of DJ Premier or the all-out halftime show insanity of David Banner?
I prefer someone with a VAGINA!johnnypolygon

I think my girlfriend is about to tell me she loves me, but I’m not sure I feel the same way. What’s the best course of action?
Dump her. Nothing is more dangerous than someone in love who isn’t loved in return.

My girlfriend is obsessed with skee-ball, but always gets upset when she loses. Is it ethical to let her win?
Nah, man, try to kick her ass at it. It’s all about equality. Me and my girl are the same way with street fighting.

A guy I drunkenly gave my number to at a bar won’t stop calling me. What’s the best way to lose him?
Honesty. Pick up and tell him you’re not interested. I know, I know… but that’s the only way.

What should the single public know about the romantic lives of rappers?
Well, I’m not the average rapper, but if you’re gonna do a rapper, make sure you’re okay with having Cristal poured all over your bawwwwdy.

Cathy Cathodic
www.myspace.com/cathycathodic

When it comes to rap, should you mix business with pleasure?
As a rule, I try not to mix the two. Sexual tension can add to the creative process if you’re both feeling it. Once that line is crossed, things can get complicated and your work can suffer. If you know you’re gonna succumb, if the pressure’s too intense when you’re in the studio with someone, at least wait until you’ve got something solid on tape. If you’re on the road, just make sure you’re fulfilling your duties on stage and that there’s no one back home getting hurt. That goes for all parties involved.

easterween1

I think my girlfriend is about to tell me she loves me, but I’m not sure I feel the same way. What’s the best course of action?
Well, she hasn’t said it yet, so maybe you’re being a bit presumptuous there, player. Direct communication is always helpful if you sense an imbalance. If her feelings are clear and yours aren’t, let her know and take a step back.

I’ve always wanted to try sex in a public place. Any pointers?
Look good but don’t wear anything too restricting. No synthetic fabrics. Try to document it so you can refer back to the scene later for masturbation fodder. Just don’t get caught, unless that’s part of your kink, I suppose. Stay away from places where you might expose yourself to small children. They’re traumatized enough.

I’ve got a serious crush on a guy who works at my neighborhood coffee shop. What’s the best way to get his attention?
He’s already in a subservient role so you’ve already got it. Just remember that being hit on at your wage-slave service job can suck if you’re not down with the suitor and they can’t take a hint. Give him your digits and perhaps an offering like a book or mix tape.

I have a bad habit of nervously divulging too much information on first dates. How can I learn to keep my mouth shut?
Write a rap song with all of that awkward and uncomfortable personal information. Immortalize it for the whole world to hear and sculpt a disconcerting sonic bomb from your neurosis. Anyone who’s still interested can probably handle your loud mouth. Otherwise, when you have the urge to word-vomit, ask your date about themselves instead and practice your active-listening skills.

A guy I drunkenly gave my number to at a bar won’t stop calling me. What’s the best way to lose him?
Tell him you love him and that you’re so glad to have found a man who’s not scared of commitment.

Is there anything you’d like the single public to know about the romantic lives of rappers?
The romantic life of a rapper is a rich, sensual landscape where all of your dreams are fulfilled. Duh!