Advice

Sex Advice From Sex Addicts

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Taylor, 49

I’m pretty shy and have trouble approaching members of the opposite sex. I’d really like to get some action this weekend. What should I do?
Put up a profile on one of the swingers websites. Describe yourself and let them know that you are “available and willing to have fun… this weekend.” There’s always someone looking for some action and there’s always someone looking for a “third.”

I have a friend I’d like to make “a friend with benefits.” What is your advice for making that transition?
Tell them that there is nothing better than a good friend who understands you. And since you’re such good friends you’d feel most comfortable exploring your sexual desires with them… a good friend. No love, no drama, no strings… just sex, friendship and benefits for all.

Give us some tips on making a quickie satisfying.
taylorBe responsible for your own orgasm. Quickies are all about you and you only. Get yours, be done, but always thank them for their support.

I recently heard someone say, “A boner in the back is not foreplay.” What’s the bare minimum of foreplay in a non-quickie sexual encounter?
One, tell me what you want to do to me. Two, kiss me deeply and passionately. Three, caress me all over.

What’s a dealbreaker in the bedroom?
Bad hygiene. Pain.

What are the rules of dating a sex addict?
Know that they love you and that they love sex — at different times, one more than the other.

How do you share the details of your sexual addiction when you are dating someone new?
After your first sexual encounter you let them know about your “high libido” and that you have no plans of being with only one person, but would enjoy being with them again and again. They will have to decide whether to hang with you or not.

Mark, 36

I have a friend I’d like to make “a friend with benefits.” What is your advice for making that transition?
My advice would be to get into situations that would require physical contact, plus alcohol; massages, which are great for breaking the ice and getting intimate without being offensive, play wrestling or fighting, a small hot tub, etc.

I’m in a long-term relationship and things aren’t as hot as they used to be. How do I heat things up again?
Toys are a great way to bring some creativity into the bedroom. Role-playing can be hot, if you can afford to buy some costumes. Bringing in a third person can add some additional suspense. Sometimes the sex is hotter after the third person leaves. The trick to any of these things is to try them together and have fun with it. Not everything will work for both of you.

What do you say to find a hookup online?
Unless you have a monster cock, six-pack stomach or face like Tom Cruise, the best way to get a response is showing some personality. And if you don’t have one, borrow one temporarily! People get spammed to death, and they just want to be reassured that you are real, fun, and not a jackass. As long as you’re flexible, you can and will get laid.

My boyfriend is really into porn but I get squeamish when he puts it on. How can we resolve this issue?
markIn my experience, the girl doesn’t need to be there during the porn. So, if you don’t like it, go and do something else. I’d make sure to set boundaries on how much and when to watch it — then step back and give him space. If you want to join him, porn is kind of like alcohol. You may not like your first taste, but you can work up to it and then crave it. So, I’d suggest watching some soft porn first, like Playboy videos, to get you acclimated to the experience, and then work your way up to fetish videos.

What are the rules of dating a sex addict?
The main thing is to know that sex for a sex addict doesn’t necessarily carry the baggage and meaning that it does for the average person. Just because I have sex with someone doesn’t mean I care for that person, or even like that person. It just fills a need I have, and I move on.

I’m in a fairly open relationship right now, where my girlfriend knows I have needs she can’t meet. So she gives me permission to fulfill my needs with hookers or girls that I meet online for a one-time thing. But she asks that I not have sex with women from my past who may perceive sex as an emotional bond. Key thing: know the limitations of the sex addict, and give them flexibility that you can both live with. Keep the lines of communication open, so they don’t have to lie or sneak around behind your back.

Men always seem confused about how long to stay after sex. Are you required to spend the night, or is a short cuddle enough?
You know, this doesn’t seem to be as big of an issue anymore, especially when you’re dealing with one-time hook-ups from the internet. Everyone knows that this isn’t a long-term commitment. But what I usually do to hedge my bets is to set a fake time limit on the encounter, like a meeting to go to. That way, the girl doesn’t feel like you’re rushing to avoid her. You had a previous engagement. And if you do stay longer, they feel special for getting you to blow off your other gig. A bit manipulative, but it works.

How do you share the details of your sex addiction when you are dating someone new?
The same way porcupines mate — very carefully! I rarely tell anyone about this, until the relationship is pretty serious and both have major feelings. No one wants to be another notch on a bed post — they may assume it, but they don’t want to know it. I’ve only told one girl, and another kind of figured it out. There’s a major stigma about sex addicts. Many people have compassion for alcoholics or smokers, but sex addiction has yet to be “validated” as a real disease. So most of us don’t go advertising the fact.

Dianne, 51

What’s the bare minimum of foreplay in a non-quickie sexual encounter?
I’d say verbal seduction every time! It must be sincere though: complimenting me on my appearance and what it does for you, and then eventually actually saying what you would like to do, without being crude, turns me on. People who are verbally articulate rock!

I’m in a long-term relationship and things aren’t as hot as they used to be. How do I heat things up again?
I suggest making dates, away from home, staying overnight somewhere and role-playing. Stay in the character you choose the whole time.

What are the dealbreakers when looking for sex online?
dianeOnline, the dealbreaker would definitely be someone who comes straight out and says they want to do things to you, without first finding out if you’re attracted to them. Same as in a normal situation.

My boyfriend is really into porn but I get squeamish when he puts it on. How can we resolve this issue?
This should be a shared thing, and if you don’t like it, he shouldn’t put it on when you are around.

What is a dealbreaker in the bedroom?
No foreplay… then just forget it!

What are the rules of dating a sex addict?
Not to focus on sex. I still want to be valued and respected as a person.

Men always seem confused about how long to stay after sex. Are you required to spend the night, is a short cuddle enough?
Again, I wouldn’t be with a person I didn’t value and respect, so I wouldn’t leave immediately. Preferably stay the night.