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August 14, 2009
Mark, 36
I have a friend I'd like to make "a friend with benefits." What is your advice for making that transition?
My advice would be to get into situations that would require physical contact, plus alcohol; massages, which are great for breaking the ice and getting intimate without being offensive, play wrestling or fighting, a small hot tub, etc.
I'm in a long-term relationship and things aren't as hot as they used to be. How do I heat things up again?
Toys are a great way to bring some creativity into the bedroom. Role-playing can be hot, if you can afford to buy some costumes. Bringing in a third person can add some additional suspense. Sometimes the sex is hotter after the third person leaves. The trick to any of these things is to try them together and have fun with it. Not everything will work for both of you.
What do you say to find a hookup online?
Unless you have a monster cock, six-pack stomach or face like Tom Cruise, the best way to get a response is showing some personality. And if you don't have one, borrow one temporarily! People get spammed to death, and they just want to be reassured that you are real, fun, and not a jackass. As long as you're flexible, you can and will get laid.
My boyfriend is really into porn but I get squeamish when he puts it on. How can we resolve this issue?
In my experience, the girl doesn't need to be there during the porn. So, if you don't like it, go and do something else. I'd make sure to set boundaries on how much and when to watch it — then step back and give him space. If you want to join him, porn is kind of like alcohol. You may not like your first taste, but you can work up to it and then crave it. So, I'd suggest watching some soft porn first, like Playboy videos, to get you acclimated to the experience, and then work your way up to fetish videos.
What are the rules of dating a sex addict?
The main thing is to know that sex for a sex addict doesn't necessarily carry the baggage and meaning that it does for the average person. Just because I have sex with someone doesn't mean I care for that person, or even like that person. It just fills a need I have, and I move on.
I'm in a fairly open relationship right now, where my girlfriend knows I have needs she can't meet. So she gives me permission to fulfill my needs with hookers or girls that I meet online for a one-time thing. But she asks that I not have sex with women from my past who may perceive sex as an emotional bond. Key thing: know the limitations of the sex addict, and give them flexibility that you can both live with. Keep the lines of communication open, so they don't have to lie or sneak around behind your back.
Men always seem confused about how long to stay after sex. Are you required to spend the night, or is a short cuddle enough?
You know, this doesn't seem to be as big of an issue anymore, especially when you're dealing with one-time hook-ups from the internet. Everyone knows that this isn't a long-term commitment. But what I usually do to hedge my bets is to set a fake time limit on the encounter, like a meeting to go to. That way, the girl doesn't feel like you're rushing to avoid her. You had a previous engagement. And if you do stay longer, they feel special for getting you to blow off your other gig. A bit manipulative, but it works.
How do you share the details of your sex addiction when you are dating someone new?
The same way porcupines mate — very carefully! I rarely tell anyone about this, until the relationship is pretty serious and both have major feelings. No one wants to be another notch on a bed post — they may assume it, but they don't want to know it. I've only told one girl, and another kind of figured it out. There's a major stigma about sex addicts. Many people have compassion for alcoholics or smokers, but sex addiction has yet to be "validated" as a real disease. So most of us don't go advertising the fact.
Commentarium (20 Comments)
The difference between “high libido” and sex addiction is that addicts can’t stop their sexual behavior, even when they themselves feel it’s out of control. Never mind the boundaries they’ve agreed on with their partners; if you’re in a long-term relationship with a sex addict, I advise you to be prepared to feel violated every time you learn about their newest level of acting out, and know what your bottom line is, that is, the behavior that you just absolutely won’t accept. Open relationships, which anyone would advise require honesty and communication, are impossible with an addict. There’s no emotional intimacy or genuine interaction. It’s ALL about the addict getting laid, and NOTHING stands in the way of it, not even the “rules” they agree upon with their partners. Most sex addicts don’t actually get laid very often anyway, but they spend an ENORMOUS amount of time seeking partners and fantasizing about sex. I noticed that none of the interviewees mentioned the feelings of shame, loneliness, or depression common to addicts after a sexual encounter. The people you’ve interviewed are either in denial about their addiction, or they aren’t addicts. They’re just people who like to have lots of sex with lots of different people, and that’s not pathological, that’s just fun.
This is ridiculous, it would never be acceptable to have Sex Advice from Meth Addicts or Sex Advice from Alcoholics. This is making light of a psychological problem.
sarah, lawl to the last bit you said and indeed, i agree.
I actually think sex advice from meth addicts would be kind of hilarious. But maybe that's just me . . .
Now that I think about it, I do get most of my sex advice from alcoholics.
Having known sex addicts, this is a bit unsettling. Would we take drinking advice from alcoholics?
i agree. knowing someone who is an actual sex addict and seeing the way it tore their life apart one realizes how it is not the glamorized condition people think it is. i hope they rethink something similar to this in the future.
Pornography, which is especially the problem of men, is the second main factor in the life of a sex addict. This can mean porn magazines, films or material on the Internet that is used to seek for satisfaction. For example on the Internet general headwords concerning this issue are … By them people seek for satisfaction.
One problem with pornography is that it does not bring long-lasting satisfaction to us. These magazines or films kind of promise that you will find the erotic picture you have always been looking and longing for, but the satisfaction does not last for long. As time goes by, many may experience the same as alcoholics and drug addicts: they need more and more powerful stimulus to experience the same stimulation as before, because the amount of pleasure diminishes.
More info: http://koti.phnet.fi/elohim/sexaddiction
Whaaat? 'Dating Advice from Sex Addicts'? Why would I want advice about sex from people whose lives have been ruined by it?
Thank you telson for your comment. Sexual addiction takes many different shapes and forms, and internet porn addictions should not be left out of the equation. Nerve, I think you're making light of a subject that deserves more serious attention. Be careful how you toss around "sex addict".
I have to masturbate twice before I get a massage. My cock still gets hard during the massage ans then she usually finished me off as I blow my load all over! Why do I become so horny?
Sexual addiction is generally defined as a compulsion to look for sex dating at any cost. It can accept any form of sexual activity, compulsive masturbation, relations of order, to pay for sex. I have read this interesting story about sex addiction blog here:
http://ping.fm/M92vu :)
Dear Nerve:
I really need to score some smack.
Could you put on some heroin addicts so I ride me some tiger?
xoxoxox
John Belushi
Just by what 2/3 said about dating sex addicts, there's no way I'd be down. Open relationships are just a magnet for emotional distress and herpes. No healthy person would be OK with that.
You definitely need that extra ounce of masochism to want to go steady with a high libido, or promiscuous person. You'd have to learn that sex is not just with you or about you and that your partner can fuck someone else when you least expect it, and that they are not doing this because they want to hurt you, even though they might. Sometimes they just live out what most of us fantasize about whether this is fair or not.
seems like some pretty selfish bahaviour
My father is a sex addict when I was little I "fetched" new playmates for my father without even knowing until looking back realizing every single friend I had had a single mother and we spent an awful amount of time there then all of a sudden my parents would move me and my sister. My fathers addiction tore my family apart. They divorced and I stayed with my father. I remember spending hours on end in sex shop parking lots. My father was a good dad but a horrible man. My father has now re-married and I have two more little sisters and my fathers behavior is now going to scar my little sisters the way it did me. I seriously think they need to take this down for making light the disease. It's not a joke. I really find this offensive because I've lived in the aftermath of a sex addict. I still have intimacy issues. My father sadly can't admit the error of his ways. So yeah this is coming from a child of a sex addict.
sex has the great conundrum about it. If you look at porn you won't catch a disease, but if you 'hang' with people you won't lose your mind, you'll be grounded in real experience. I think that is the most important, tolook your 'partner' in the eye and love them and don't hide.
Consensual sex is a good thing. Someone who irresponsibly drinks a lot is not necessarily an alcoholic. Similarly, irresponsible sex doesn't equal sex addiction. A real sex addict can't hold a full time job, doesn't get enough sleep, no healthy diet, etc... See why 90% of so called sex addicts really aren't sex addicts? Also, many men (and some women) have an interest in sex that far surpasses their sex drives. Like all those crazy sports fans who couldn't jog 2 miles.
You know, I have a high libido. (Well, for a woman, anyway...) This is mostly for physiological reasons; if I don't orgasm, my breasts swell and start to hurt, and it gets really frustrating if I don't masturbate. (Usually, I'm not satisfied by that, but it's basic maintenance - just enough to let me wear a bra, you understand.)
There is a difference between being addicted to sex and having a high libido.
I am currently in an exclusive long distance relationship, have been for about 5 months. I have not cheated on him yet - as a matter of fact, I never cheat on a boyfriend. Ever. Even if they're emotionally neglectful and/or are not interested in having sex as often as I am. A sex addict cannot manage their high libido without having sex; I, on the other hand, am able to do so quite nicely, although sex satisfies more. Of course, my boyfriend doesn't mind my libido in the least - he's got one, too, so we match each other pretty well. Webcams are great. :D
Anyway... All I can say is that Nerve! is making a huge societal issue into something that can be trivialized or laughed at. It's not. A "high libido" isn't an excuse for cheating; it's not cheating if you tell the other person that you want to have an open relationship. However, getting involved with a sex addict is a recipe for disaster, not because they are horrible people, but because they have a serious problem. It's a disease, and it deserves to be treated as such - not trivialized.