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Sex Advice From . . . Shoe Salespeople

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Eric, 24

Foot fetish: fact or fiction?
Definitely fact. I once was with this guy who only wanted to suck my feet. I could barely even get him to kiss me.

Sex with socks on: ever sexy?
Very. What would mid-’70s gay porn be without white tube socks?

Can a man ever wear footwear in bed? If so, what kind?
I would recommend cowboy boots; they’re the most phallic footwear of all.

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The best footwear for a woman to wear in bed?
A sexy pair of Christian Louboutin pumps, thin heel, with the red "fuck me" sole. NO STOCKINGS!

The most demeaning thing anyone’s ever done to you in bed?
After an awful hookup, they asked me to stay when I really, really wanted to leave. Hated it!

The best album for sex?
The Mamas and the Papas.

I’m a woman who doesn’t like oral. It’s too sensitive, and I feel like I’m on display. Am I broken? Can I learn to enjoy it?
I wouldn’t say you’re broken, maybe just fractured. Relax, try to think about something else, and eventually you’ll learn to be more comfortable with the attention and the sensation.

What’s the best way to get a shoe salesman to come home with you?
Just ask. We’re here to service you.

Nicole, 24

I’m weirded out by my girlfriend’s foot fetish. Is our relationship doomed?
No. You can reach a compromise. Ease yourself into it with a foot massage.

Sex with socks on: ever sexy?
Totally not sexy. I recently had corrective foot surgery, and I had to have sex with my boot on. It was not cool.

Best footwear for a woman to wear in bed?
A nice, simple stiletto will do it.

What do the following shoe habits say about a person’s sexual characteristics:
A straight guy in mandals?

He’s conservative and inexperienced in bed.
A woman who owns 300 pairs of shoes but can’t make rent?

She’s probably fun in the sack but gets bored easily.
A woman who still wears Ugg boots?
All-around tragic.
Someone who wears shoes until they fall apart?
A lazy lover.

I fantasize about watching my significant other fuck someone else. Does that necessarily mean we have intimacy issues?
Yes, whenever something pulls you away from the person you’re with like that,
there’s a problem with the intimacy in the relationship.

What’s the best album for lovemaking? And for fucking?
I’m going with John Coltrane’s Blue Train. That’s for fucking. I don’t make love.

What’s t he most outrageous place you’ve had sex?
The hallway in my apartment building. I would absolutely recommend it.

Pleshette, 22

Sex with socks on: ever sexy?
Sorry, I don’t want that. That’s saying, “Oh, I’m still soft and sweet, I’m still a virgin.” Kinda like, “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.”

Best footwear for a woman to wear in bed?
Heels are great, but if she looks uncomfortable in them, it’s not sexy. Unless, you know, she’s trying to pick up a ride from some random dude in the street. Other than that, stick to whatever’s comfortable. When you look comfortable, you look cute.

What’s the most demeaning thing someone can do in bed?
Saying “I love you” or “Let’s get married” in the middle of an orgasm.

I fantasize about watching my significant other with someone else. Does this mean we have intimacy issues?
If you’re craving a threesome, there’s nothing wrong. If you’re fantasizing about somebody else, then you’re done with the relationship. Or, you know, you’re just a daydreamer.

If a guy loses his erection, should he joke about it?
Before I’m done? Dude, that’s not a joke. It’s like, “Thanks. I’m moving on!”

CRiS B., 26

Sex with socks on: ever sexy?
I would call it, in certain situations, kinky.

What kind of socks would you have to wear to earn that designation?
For real kinky? Some real bright, puffy, thick, heavy socks.

But naked otherwise?
Butt naked.

What do the following shoe habits say about a person’s sexual characteristics:
A woman who owns 300 pairs of shoes but can’t make rent?
She might be a little wild.
A woman who still wears Ugg boots?
A little freaky, a little luscious. It would be fun. I think are Ugg boots are crazy cute!

The best album for lovemaking?
Anything by R. Kelly.

For straight-on fucking?
Wu-Tang.

How can I get my boyfriend to last longer without him knowing that’s what I’m doing?
Let him know what’s going on and how you feel. Definitely, definitely do not sit there and have sex with your man a hundred times and wait until after, at the very end, to tell him that he doesn’t do this right or doesn’t do that right. Because all that’s gonna do is frustrate the future.

If you lose your erection, is it best to joke about it?
Try to make a joke about being tired. I mean, it’s expected sometimes, unless you’re like, known for rockin’ the cradle like that.
 

Sex Advice From… appears on Thursdays. Have questions for the general public? Send them to sexadvicefrom@nerve.com.


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