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Insectivora, “None of anybody’s business”

I just got out of a four-year relationship and it ended horribly. Now I’ve shut myself off. I bring losers home, we have sex, sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s bad. Either way, there’s no emotion. What can I do to get emotion back into my sex life?
Therapy.

The first time I gave my girlfriend head I was bad, afterward she said she "didn’t want to bother" with it again. I convinced her that practice makes perfect and that if she let me have another go at it, things would get better. Now I’m terrified of trying again and failing. What can I do to improve my confidence and technique?

promotion

Well, calming your nerves is all within yourself. Maybe drink some chamomile tea. As far as bettering your technique, watch lesbian porn.

I have a huge crush on a guy who I know is more physically attractive than myself, but I’m sure that if I just sell myself right, he’ll fall head over heels. How can I do this?
Well, it’s not so much selling yourself; just get to know the person and talk to them. If they like you, if you’re a beautiful person on the inside, then they should appreciate you for that. If they don’t want anything to do with you because they feel you’re less attractive, you wouldn’t want them anyway. And the more self-confidence you have, the more attractive you are. Look at people like Georgia O’Keefe, who is like eighty years old and has this hot little eighteen-year-old boyfriend.

That’s my retirement plan, actually.
Well, self-confidence goes a long way.

What’s the best way to ask someone for their phone number when:
You’re in a noisy, crowded bar?

Get a piece of paper, write your name on it, your phone number and just tap him on the shoulder and say, "Excuse me, you dropped this."
You’re on a date with someone else?
Just do it. If you’re going to be that rude in the first place, you might as well go all the way.

I cheated on a well-liked boyfriend and we broke up. How can I socially recover with our mutual friends?
That can be weird. That’s happened with me too in the past. Sometimes it’s unfortunate and you lose certain friendships. But if the other people are strong in their own social circles, it shouldn’t be a problem. But you know, sometimes there’s loss in all areas of your life.

What’s a sexual practice everyone should try once before they die?
Doing it on the Astroland Cyclone Roller Coaster.

Diamond Donny V., 26

What sexual feat can I perform to impress a new lover?
The Rear Admiral. Take your sweetheart by the rear. Bending at the waist and using your member, steer her around.

How can you tell someone you don’t remember a sexual encounter you had with them?
I had a good answer, but I forgot it. What do you need to discuss it for? Are you going to be sitting over tea and biscuits discussing a play by play of your sexual inadequacies? Hell, I hope that you didn’t “forget” to bring a condom or where the clitoris is.

What’s a sexual practice everyone should try once before they die?
Autoerotic asphyxiation. Who knows? It may be the sexual practice you try right before you die.

What’s one most everyone can go their whole lives without?
Scat.

I cheated on a well-liked boyfriend and we broke up. How can I socially recover with our mutual friends?
Sleep with them, and then no one will feel left out.

Heather, 19

What sexual feat can I perform to impress a new lover?
You could use your hands, like massage-type stuff.

What sexual characteristics would you attribute to someone who:
Is covered in piercings?
Looks are probably deceiving; they’re probably going to be very plain.
Eats competitively?
They’re probably very nibbly, going for the toes, really weird stuff. It would probably freak me out.
Can bend in unusual ways?
Huh, well that — that’s pretty self-explanatory.
Swallows swords?
Well — ahem — yeah. The greatest ability to deep throat ever.

I’m interested in trying S&M with someone I am casually dating. What’s the best way to break the ice?
I’d probably start it off as a joke, testing the waters, seeing how it flows with them.

The first time I gave my girlfriend head I was bad, afterward she said she didn’t "want to bother" with it again.

I convinced her that practice makes perfect and that if she let me have another go at it, things would get better. Now I’m terrified of trying again and failing. What can I do to improve my confidence and technique?
I’d say what a lot of people say, which is "ask her what’s better," but I know if someone asked me, I’d probably be too shy to say anything. There’s lots of websites they can look at. It’s very frustrating when someone doesn’t know what they’re doing.

How much time should you spend trying to make someone come before it’s time to give up?
Whenever they start looking bored, you should take that as a cue. When they start looking at their watch. Look for pointers like that.

I cheated on a well-liked boyfriend and we broke up. How can I socially recover with our mutual friends?
Just blame it on alcohol and hope for the best.

My ex wants to spend more time together as friends. That’s fine with me, she’s a fun friend, but how can I subtly tell her I’m not interested in reconciliation or break-up sex?
Hang out with her casually, and mention other girls — not like rubbing them in her face — but just bringing them up would show her in a very friendly way that you just don’t care about her in that way anymore.

Scott, "Old enough to be your father, young enough to be your daddy."

What sexual feat can I perform to impress a new lover?
When a woman goes for a guy’s armpits or nipples, things really get exciting. It’s when a woman knows that a man’s body is responsive in areas other than just genitalia.

What sexual characteristics would you attribute to someone who:
Is covered in piercings?

Oh, probably very daring, especially if they have a pierced clit. It says that they appreciate the sensuality that can be created through modification and appreciation of their own body.
Eats competitively, like that hot-dog-contest man?
I would think he would probably have some problems internally.
Swallows swords?
Well, being one who does, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you know what to do with a penis or a vagina; it means you know what to do with a sword. Although gag-reflex diminishment can be terrific, I know people who wouldn’t dream of swallowing a sword but give the best head.

I’m interested in trying BDSM with someone I’m casually dating. What’s the best way to break the ice?
First of all, go through a delicate fetish phase, getting into foot worship or body worship — because BDSM can cover a lot of areas. Once I dated a porn star who wanted me to make her butt red. She said, "Really spank my ass." And she would become orgasmic when I would do it. I said, "This, I like." Before, I had always been amused by the thought of it. Another time, I was watching porn with a girl, and when I got up to go to the bathroom she ripped her clothes off, went into the bathroom and said, "Pee on my clit." And I did and said, "Well, if it’s that good, do it to me." It felt great and wasn’t anything I had ever anticipated doing.

I have a huge crush on a guy who I know is more physically attractive than myself, but I’m sure that if I just sell myself right, he’ll fall head over heels. How can I do this?
Never sell yourself short. There’s really no such thing as an ugly woman.

I am a guy who wants to have a MMF threesome. I wouldn’t mind experimenting with a friend of mine. How do I suggest this to him? I don’t want to do it drunk.
Well, if you did it drunk, it would be pretty useless anyway. To approach you friend, plant the seeds: "Would you do a threesome?" Guys talk about this. You could say, "God, I bet she could take on both of us." "Can you imagine her sucking your cock while I’m fucking her up the ass?" Just make the scenario sound glorious.

I cheated on a well-liked boyfriend and we broke up. How can I socially recover with our mutual friends?
Your female friends probably would be easier on you than the guy friends.

So focus on the ladies?
I would think so, ’cause women seem to have more of an understanding of how other women feel about things, which is something guys are jealous of.
 

Find out the many specialties of these performers at www.coneyisland.com/sideshow.

Interviews by Kate Sullivan. Sex Advice From… appears on Thursdays. Have questions for the general public? Send them to sexadvicefrom@nerve.com.


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