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Sex Advice from . . . Skeeball Players

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Brewskee-Ball bills itself as the first competitive Skeeball league in the world, with team matches held at Ace Bar in Manhattan’s East Village on a regular basis. We chatted with four of the competitors.

Kacey, 23

What’s the secret to a great handjob? Is it like Skeeball — all in the wrist?
Lubrication is the secret to everything. It really makes all the difference in the world. Just keep it by your bed so it’s right there. The reason handjobs get awkward is people are afraid to ruin the moment by looking for the lube.

How about rimjobs?
I think it’s a taboo area, especially with guys, although I also think guys like it a lot more than they let on. With the right person, I’d be willing to give it a shot if it was something he really liked. It’s not something I’d do with a one-night stand. I’ve had it pushed on me before, and I don’t know — men get pretty determined when something like that is at stake.

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My girlfriend got a lip ring and now kissing her grosses me out. She considers it part of her personal style. How can we deal with this?
The trick here is to try something different. Maybe you’re thinking too much along the lines of traditional kissing. You might think you don’t like this new thing, but the first thing I thought of when you said lip ring was using your teeth to grab onto it. Use it as a way to latch onto her mouth.

How can I turn my casual fuck-buddy relationship into a committed relationship?
In New York or elsewhere? Because it’s absolutely different. If I were back in my hometown and it was a casual friend that I was having sex with, I think it would be comfortable to turn it into something more. I’ve seen people do it. In New York, it’s totally different. People don’t need closure. That’s what makes fuck buddies so easy in this city — people can just say, “That’s the end of whatever it is we were doing, and I don’t need to follow through in any way.” So it’s more difficult to transition into something serious here, I think. But it’s just a matter of laying it out on the table. You’ve got to say to this person, yes, it was casual, but now I’m having stronger feelings. If you get rejected, you get rejected.

How can I ask my partner if they’ve been tested for STDs without killing the mood?
Incorporate it into foreplay and make it hot: “Hey, I’m really into you and I really want to have sex with you, so get your blood work done and then, baby, let’s fuck.”

KaceyI’m in a happy, committed relationship, but I also talk to my ex most nights on the phone. Should I cut this out?
If the person you’re with knows that you’re talking to your ex every night and that they’re really just a platonic friend, maybe it’s appropriate. But I would not fucking like it at all. You’re not going to make your girlfriend happy in any way by talking to any ex-girlfriend you’ve ever had. That’s just the fact of the matter. Women are never going to change that way. When guys think, “Oh, my girlfriend’s not the jealous type,” or even vice-versa, “My boyfriend’s not the jealous type” — men, women, it’s all about jealousy.

My boyfriend’s hairier than I’d like. How do I get him to do a little grooming without hurting his feelings?
You offer to do it yourself. I’ve got a friend who’s extremely self-conscious of his back hair. I like to say that God missed his armpits — he’s got these huge fur patches and it’s a real problem for his self-image. I think the really important thing for a woman to do with a man in this situation is to make it into a game. It should all be very flirtatious and sexually charged.

I want to roleplay for my boyfriend. What’s a hot costume I could wear?
It’s all about making it classy and sexy at the same time. Anything that has to do with pin-ups — I think Betty Boop has always been sexy, with her little kitten voice. A woman can’t feel silly when she’s getting dressed up. Honestly, a nurse costume would not be the right route to take. But something you could wear under a trench coat is hot.



EvanEvan, 28

How drunk or stoned is too drunk or stoned for sex?
Drinking is always a good idea when you’re in a sexual relationship. It loosens you up. I think most people excel with about four drinks in them. Once you get past five, it can get a little ugly. Drugs can go either way. Pot just puts me right to sleep and I become a complete bore. A useless pig.

How do I ask the person I’m sleeping with for the first time if they’ve been checked for STDs?
What date is this on?

First date.
On a first date, after a long night of drinking, I have to say that the STD question doesn’t often come up. With my girlfriend, we slept together on the first date and I know it definitely didn’t come up. It was more of a fourth-date conversation. When it does happen, just keep it as casual as possible and don’t let your language get all clinical. You can say, “I just went to the clinic and I’m totally clean. Just wanted to see if everything’s clean on your end too.”

If you’re occasionally hooking up with other people behind your significant other’s back, is your relationship with that person officially dead?
It’s probably not salvageable at that point. If it’s only happened a couple of times, you could try to sit down and talk it out. Restart. Purposefully separate yourself from the people you’ve been hooking up with. But the truth is, you’re probably doomed. It just becomes too emotionally confusing and the relationship just ends up trying to live on what it used to be instead of what it is.

What’s the secret to a great handjob?
The ability to understand pressure, good eye contact, and a couple dirty words mumbled under your breath to finish it off.

How about rimjobs? How does one broach this potentially touchy subject?
Rimjobs are something that generally work best when they kind of just happen. It’s awkward to start talking about rimjobs. Rimjobs happen in the heat of the moment, when you’re giving oral sex and suddenly decide to explore that whole area a bit more.

My partner and I are into really rough sex, including things like asphyxiation. How can we stay safe?
Rough sex is great. I think it’s part of any healthy relationship. It’s all about talking beforehand and expressing boundaries. Any kind of asphyxiation play or anything like that, you need to talk about. There’s nothing too far out there as long as you’re both on the same page. You can do, and should do, absolutely anything you want. As long as you’re not choking your girlfriend and she doesn’t know why you’re doing it. That could be very uncomfortable.

NickNick, 26

I recently walked in on my roommates having sex, and each of them is in a relationship with someone else. Should I say something?
Definitely say something. You have to, because otherwise it’s going to be the elephant in the room. But if they want to keep fooling around behind closed doors, you should respect that.

What if you’re friends with their significant others? Should you tell those people?
No. Never rat anyone out, but definitely encourage people to be honest.

What’s the secret to a great handjob?
Keep the pants on, and do a lot of grabbing from different positions and angles to make it clear that it’s somebody else doing it. You want to remind them that it’s not their own hand because anyone can jerk off anytime, but it’s nicer to get it as a gift from someone else.

Rimjobs: some tips on technique please.
Definitely yes to rimjobs, and as far as how it should be done, the wetter the better. Make it messy. Mix it in with going down on the girl. If it’s a guy, mix it up with giving him a blowjob.

I’m in a happy, committed relationship, but I talk to my ex-girlfriend on the phone most nights. Should I feel guilty?
You should definitely feel guilty. You’ve already cheated. It’s disrespectful to your current girlfriend, and you should imagine yourself if you were in your girlfriend’s position. If you’re having second thoughts about your relationship, if you’re already shopping around, if you’re thinking about getting back together with your ex, there are problems at home that either need to be fixed or cut off.

How can I let me partner know they need to trim their pubes?
Show off a well-groomed nether region of your own and the other person might realize they look like an overgrown ape and it’s time to shave a little.

How can I pick up a sunbather without seeming lecherous?
Go lie down close to her, but not too close, and spark up a conversation while trying to sound as European as possible.

How about a Skeeball-machine maintenance worker?
Just keep sinking forties — impress them at their own game. I have Eric’s number, if you want it.

AmyAmy, 24

How can I turn my fuck buddy into my significant other?
Give that person as much space as possible. Be open, but at the same time, don’t smother them. People get scared away very easily, so I’d let them know I want to spend more time with them, but give them enough space so they’ll think about me and realize they want me in their life for something other than just sex.

What’s the secret to a great handjob?
Switch it up. Don’t deny any area of the penis the attention it deserves. Don’t become too stagnant or too focused on one particular motion or spot. Cover every range of motion to get the full effect.

How can I broach the idea of a rimjob with my significant other?
A rimjob? I’m not familiar with that term.

Going down on somebody’s ass as opposed to their genitals.
Huh, interesting. Well, I’m not one for getting approval about making a move during sex before I do it. I’m all about letting it flow and knowing the person’s body well enough to be able to get a yes or no in a nonverbal way. In this instance, though, talking about it might be good because that’s territory that not everyone’s comfortable journeying into. It’s one of those things that’s not a given.

How can I pick up a bartender?
Get them to do round after round of shots with you. Bend over the bar, show some cleavage, pucker your lips — there’s really not much more you need to do.

I’m in a happy, committed relationship, but I talk to my ex-girlfriend on the phone most nights. Should I feel guilty?
That’s interesting, because I’m in a similar situation. Well, cheating . . . I don’t like to use that word, cheating.

Why not?
Well, because in every relationship I’ve been in, you could say that I’ve cheated. But I don’t really see it as cheating. The way I was brought up, you’re not monogamous until you’re going to get married, until you’ve got a ring on your finger, until you know that this is the person for you.

What do you do when you find that person who really does it for you, and after a while the relationship begins to lose its luster. Can you get that spark back?
I don’t know yet. I haven’t been able to. But there are things you can do. You can make it an open relationship and go hook up with other people or date other people — that could give you perspective. You can take a break. You can do all sorts of things. It’s always going to lose its luster at some point, but usually I just consider that the end of the road.

I want to roleplay for my girlfriend. What costume would you recommend?
I always like a good fireman.  

Visit www.brewskeeball.com for information about the league.

Interviews by John Constantine. Sex Advice From… appears on Thursdays. Have questions for the general public? Send them to sexadvicefrom@nerve.com.

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©2006 John Constantine & Nerve.com, Inc.
photo courtesy Ken Yee.