Sex Advice From Spencer Pratt

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Sex Advice From Spencer Pratt

MTV wanted us to interview Spencer Pratt of
The Hills‘ “fame.” We  wanted to know if he talked like that in real life. We wished we would have had a shot of whiskey for every time he brought up his “brand,” but then we would have died. Yours to enjoy!

On the new season of The Hills, you guys are dealing with newlywed life. I’m getting married in two months and suddenly I’m getting cold feet. I love my boyfriend, but I’m afraid things will change. How should I prepare for the realities of marriage?
I never really got cold feet. I think if I had gotten cold feet, I wouldn’t be married right now. This is the biggest decision of your life, I don’t think you can even have that feeling. So, I think she should reconvene and postpone. Tell them due to mental illness.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie might be going through some bumpy times. What do you think Brangelina could learn from your successful relationship?
I think that since their relationship was founded on infidelity, their structure, their foundation is always going to be impossible. She’s always going to be thinking, “Wait. You already did this to Jen. Are you gonna do this to me?” Thank God I don’t live that life, because I don’t see how you can keep that marriage together. Personally, if I got together with my wife after cheating on my last wife, I’d definitely think my wife is a shady little hussy who could be cheating on me any time.spencer1

What should Kristin Cavallari do to find true love?
Kristin Cavallari doesn’t want true love. One of my favorite quotes from her, she looks at Heidi and goes, “I’m no angel, baby,” and winks. There are people like Heidi — all heart, who just wants love and marriage — and there’s Kristin, who knows what she’s about. [laughs] Tune in to find out!

How about Perez Hilton? What should he do to find love?
I’ve talked to him about that before. It’s going to be difficult because he’s so famous and so powerful now. There are probably tons of guys out there who would pretend to have feelings to get in a certain position next to him. I’d say be cautious, and go outside of America to find someone who does not know what is. Go back to your Latin roots. Go to Cuba and find your husband.

If you were playing matchmaker to Al Roker, who would you set him up with?
Whoever the big, local weather woman is in New York. So when it’s raining they can be depressed together.

My boyfriend’s growing out a beard, but it’s scratchy and hurts my cheeks and delicate lady parts. He won’t shave. How can I learn to love the beard?
I just keep my beard because everyone hates it so much. I’m not the one to ask about beard maintenance. I would say wait until he’s asleep, with a few drinks in him, and get a quiet automatic razor and carefully, strategically buzz that beard right off his cute little face.

Heidi recently posed in Playboy. Can posing nude make me feel better about my body? Can it be empowering?
Yeah, but definitely do what Heidi did and go to Train for a couple of months and you’ll have the powerful curves that my wife has, and then those powerful curves will give you that empowering confidence that you’d want to pose naked. Definitely do not go to the local pizzeria for two months and then take off your clothes and then wonder why you feel guilty about it. I personally tried the pizzeria thing yesterday, and took some photos of myself naked and I was looking way too soft.

So you don’t like the larger ladies?
No, no, no, there’s a difference between large and powerful. When I say powerful, powerful is a large lady. I don’t think there’s one supermodel I find attractive. Any girl that claims she’s a model means she has to follow a model diet, which means they can have no flesh on their bones, which means they have no body. And I love my wife’s body and not her bones. If I wanted to marry a skeleton, I could have just gone to the Halloween shop.

My boyfriend is obsessed with becoming a reality-TV star; he thinks he’ll win Big Brother. I’m scared it will hurt our relationship. What tips can you give me about keeping a relationship strong in the face of reality TV?
I would buy our book that comes out in November, How To Be Famous, by Heidi and Spencer, and that would definitely have some helpful hints. But it’s all the test of the relationship — I think every man should have to go through a reality show with their family members, before they have to get married, because that proves that he can handle a marriage. Reality TV for marriage is like the crash dummy in the commercials for cars.

I’m dating a wonderful guy but my best friend doesn’t approve — a situation you can relate to. I don’t want to lose either of them, so what should I do?
Obviously, your best friend is trying to secretly bang your boyfriend, or is possibly a lesbian, or possibly just doesn’t want you to be happy. Those are all major possibilities that you should keep in mind. If those aren’t the possibilities, then you maybe are the lesbian, and you want to be with your friend and not with your boyfriend, so maybe you should break up with that boyfriend.

I’ve been dating my girlfriend for five years, and things are getting a little stale. How can spice things up between us?
Go to your nearest sex shop, ASAP, and go on a serious shopping spree and buy every single thing you can afford, and then figure out what to do when you get home with your girlfriend.

Do you have a favorite sex toy?
Unless I was the manufacturer, I would never promote a sex toy I wasn’t getting paid to endorse. Currently, I’m a fan of God’s great sex toy [laughs].

And would that be Heidi?
Well, I wasn’t even thinking about that one, but yeah.

Do blondes have more fun?
I’m not going to put it to a hair color, you know? Maybe a girl feels more confident because more people will look at a blonde, so maybe  it gives them extra confidence. Maybe the other hair color wasn’t going so well for them. But anyone can have fun, even with a shaved head. Just ask Britney.

Anything special that the viewers can look forward to with you and Heidi on The Hills this season?
Yeah. Heidi trying to have a baby without my permission.

Why wouldn’t you want to have a baby?spencer2
Well, she’s only twenty-three, and she’s getting way too caught up in the honeymoon stage of our perfect little marriage and our grownup lives, and she’s just rushing stages here. I think she just wants to be a young mom like her mom. Her mom had her when she was nineteen.

Do you think people should wait to have babies in general?
Absolutely. I don’t think you should have kids until you’re at least a trillionaire. That’s how expensive kids are going to be in 2050.

If you guys did have a kid tomorrow, what would you name him or her?
If it was a girl, it’d be Heidi. If it was a boy, it’d be Spencer. Duh.

What’s the biggest dating relationship mistake that women make nowadays?
Playing games with guys. We’re led to believe that playing games leads to anything but what it actually does. For instance, Heidi and I thought we were such players, and look at us now, we’re married. If you really love somebody, then you just need to cut through it all like we eventually did. We should have done it way faster, you know? So many people put up so many barriers and protection shields and all these things around their heart, because they don’t want to get hurt. But sometimes you want to risk being hurt, because at the end of day it is better to be hurt than not truly be in love. You’re better off getting played and cheated on and dissed, than not being who you really are cause you’re trying to keep the cards on your level. You know what I mean? Does that make sense?

That is actually profound. Thanks so much for your time.
My pleasure. Call MTV. I’m free every day for press.