Sex Advice from . . . Stay-at-Home Moms

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Phyllis, 37

How can we make sure we keep having sex when he’s tired from work and I’m tired from taking care of the kid all day?
TiVO your favorite shows one or two nights a week and do something different. Take a bath together without speaking at all, or answer the door when he gets home in nothing but your favorite heels.

What’s the secret to giving great head?
Warm water or ice cubes, depending on the season.

My boyfriend and I are visiting my conservative parents this weekend. How can we ensure they never see any indication that we had sex in their house?
Cleanliness is next to godliness for these people. Make sure you make the bed, keep the sheets clean and don’t break any furniture. Do that, and you can do whatever you want.

I’m pregnant and worried that I don’t look sexy. Any tips?
I thought I was the sexiest looking pregnant lady ever. My husband was afraid he’d hurt the baby if we got it on, but he absolutely loved the fact that I was blessed by the titty fairy, so that kept him coming back.


What about once those tits are gone? How can I keep my breasts looking just as impressive?
A Wonderbra is an amazing thing. Although breastfeeding allowed me to lose all the baby weight and more, the cost was that my pregnancy D’s have turned into A’s. I thought my husband would be bummed that “the girls” had left, but he thinks me in a tight tank top is crazy sexy. I say don’t worry about the size of anything on your body. Guys will figure out a way to love it as long as they’re getting some.

What’s the best way to pick someone up at a loud concert?
Dance close, then really close. At some point you’ll start to pick up on just how interested he or she is.
I suspect my husband is having an affair. What signs should I look for?
“Signs” can be mixed signals when you’ve got a new baby at home. Some men are just not interested in sex with their wives at this time, or they’re so stressed about the new responsibility of supporting a family that they might begin to work late a lot or seem distant. If those are your “signs,” your husband is not cheating on you, and you should support him and love him as best you can. If the signs are that you found a hotel bill on his credit card, call a lawyer.

I need to smoke weed before sex to achieve orgasm. How can I train myself to come sober?
I’d suggest turning to vodka, but that might not be what you’re looking for. It’s probably all in your head. Find a partner you’re truly comfortable with and that should be all you need.

Which period during pregnancy is the best time for sex?
For me, the second and early third trimester were the best. You’re not sick anymore, you have more energy and you’re not trying to deal with a huge belly like in the last few weeks. Second trimester is amazing — don’t let it pass you by. Best orgasms of your life.

Alana, 37 Alana

I just found some photos of my girlfriend doing solo porn online. They’re clearly before we started dating, but I’m still creeped out. How can we reconcile this?
Ask yourself what about it bothers you. If she did it anonymously for a few bucks, that doesn’t seem so bad. If you can’t get past it, bring it up over dinner. Just tell her you’re curious as to what motivated her to do it, and if it’s something she would ever do again. If your initial assumption was correct, you needn’t worry. If it’s something she gets a kick out of, you should tell it why it bothers you.

I gained weight during my pregnancy and still haven’t taken it off. The other day, I found a Playboy in my husband’s drawer. Should I assume they’re related?
I don’t think you should assume anything. I do think you should ask him about it if it makes you feel hurt or uncomfortable. You may want to use that opportunity to discuss some things that both of you might be interested in sexually that you’ve never tried before. In addition, if you aren’t feeling good about your body, you may want to find a healthy way to take off that pregnancy weight. I was one of those people who did not feel sexy gaining baby weight.

How did you feel?
I was always a petite person with big boobs, so being fat with gigantic breasts didn’t make me feel happy. My husband handled it great. He used to say when I was very pregnant that I was delicious and ripe, which usually made me feel better about the fact that I couldn’t bend down to pick up a pencil from the floor.

My girlfriend and I are thinking about moving in together. What should we know to ensure a smooth transition?
Moving in together should be an exciting time in a relationship. There’s nothing better than sharing a place with someone you care about — cooking meals together, watching movies together, going to bed together. Each person will need their own space within their shared environment. Be aware of each other’s tolerance for clutter, mess, dirty laundry, etc. For example, I don’t like it when my husband throws his dirty clothes near the hamper but doesn’t actually put them in, so after a few weeks of muttering about it, I told him, and now he mostly does it and I’m happier. He likes all the opened food in the pantry to be sealed in Ziploc bags (don’t ask). So now I do that and it makes him happier. Sounds like silly little stuff, but it’s important to give and take.

My boyfriend thinks he’s a god in the sack, and he adds all these ridiculous little flourishes to our lovemaking. How can I make our sex a bit less theatrical?
While you’re in bed, tell him or show him quietly what it is you’d like him to be doing — or not doing. If you do it with sensitivity, he won’t be insulted that his moves aren’t making the grade.

What’s the best cure for a bad breakup?
Friends plus time equals getting over it. But there’s no simple answer. Breakups suck. Make sure you let yourself just wallow for a little while, just to get it out of your system. Then go out with friends you feel you can be around. After a few weeks, you’ll start realizing that you’re not spending every minute thinking about your ex.

How can my husband and I keep our sex life lively with a new baby around?
It’s very important to make sure once your kids are old enough, by six or seven months, that they have a bedtime so that once they’re asleep you can have some time alone. Then let some things slide every once in a while that you normally wouldn’t let slide. Our house is a disaster area in the evening, and I like the toys to be away, the dishes to be in the dishwasher, etc. before I can relax. But by the time we’ve finished doing that, we’re exhausted. So every once in a while we say fuck it and put on some adult music, light some candles and spend some time naked in bed. Because making love to The Wiggles definitely sucks.

Laura, 38Laura

I gained weight during my pregnancy and still haven’t taken it off. The other day, I found a Playboy in my husband’s drawer. Should I assume they’re related?
Playboy? Really? I wouldn’t worry too much about Playboy. It’s like looking at plastic dolls, and he’s probably just reading the articles. At least that’s what my father said when I found his in 1970. If you’re feeling self-conscious about your weight, then work on it, but do it for yourself first and your husband second. I wouldn’t be surprised if that Playboy has been in the house a lot longer than your post-pregnancy weight.

How can I breastfeed in public without getting harassed?
There will always be some asshole, man or woman, who is either offended by a breastfeeding mother or makes some kind of snide comment. I recommend bringing a small blanket so that you can feed discreetly.

I’m a woman in my thirties who’s never had an orgasm. Does this mean I’ll never have one? And how can I achieve one?
Oh girlfriend, do not despair. It’s my belief that you just haven’t been with the right man or woman. Orgasm, for the uninitiated, takes relaxation, comfort and a bit of communication. With the right partner, you should be able to find a way to make it happen, but don’t stress about it. Stress and pressure to have one is a major obstacle to that first orgasm.

What’s your technique?
Foreplay to get us both going, then me on top. When I can control the angle, speed and pressure, I can usually get there pretty quickly.

What’s the best remedy for a stagnant relationship?
A vacation, communication and a vibrator.

Rebecca, 37 Rebecca

Lately, my girlfriend and I seem to blow up at each other all the time. We can’t go one day without having a fight. Though we still love each other and are physically attracted to each other, is our relationship doomed?
Fighting is grand. It keeps you in constant contact with who you are, what you know and what you believe in. Just lay down some ground rules: no meanness and no cheap shots. I’m slightly convinced that my husband married me because of how we argue.

My boyfriend and I are visiting my conservative parents this weekend. How can we ensure they never know we had sex in their house?
Don’t stay in the room directly above theirs and don’t do it during cocktail hour when everyone is gathered in the sitting room and wondering where you are. Pretend you’re living in an era when people who were hot for each other couldn’t have sex, no matter where they were.

When during pregnancy is the best time for sex?
During the second trimester, when your sex drive comes back and you’re still not so big that everything feels awkward, and you’re at the peak of your radiance.

Is sex any different?
Trust me, you’ll know. The orgasms are bananas.

My girlfriend and I are thinking about moving in together. Any tips?
Just be aware that there’s no turning back. You can’t go back to “just dating” after you move in together. Doesn’t mean you have to get married next — just that once you set up shop together, there’s no kind or gentle way to go back to, “What are you doing on Thursday?” You know right well what he’s doing on Thursday.

I need to smoke weed before sex to achieve orgasm. How can I come without getting high first?
Orgasm is the most anti-learning thing there is. Just stop smoking the weed and see what happens. Your body will get there after a while. If not, that means that you’re overthinking it.

My husband loves my big breastfeeding breasts so much, I’m worried he’ll be disappointed once they’re gone. What can I do?
Here’s the thing about your breast-feeding breasts: he can’t touch them anyway while you’re breastfeeding, unless he wants a spray of milk. That’s the cruel joke about big, lactating boobs. They’re of no use to your husband, although they look real good and probably make you feel kind of fine. As for the shrinkage back to normal size, nothing about your body is ever the same after you give birth. Get easy with it. Both of you.

Interviews by Shana Liebman. Sex Advice From… appears on Thursdays. Have questions for the general public? Send them to

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