Advice

Sex Advice From Steampunks

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Q: "If "The Steampunk" was a sexual position, what would it be?" A: "It would be intricate, dangerous, loud, and completely unnecessary."

Tommy, 21

What makes a steampunk better in bed?
We always know what buttons to push in order to achieve maximum, ahem, pressure.

What’s the best way to pick up a steampunk?
Easy: lock eyes with her at a ball, high tea, or other social gathering to let her know that you are interested. If the feeling is mutual, she’ll pretend to faint so that you can catch her and look like the hero, at which time you can slip her your calling card. If all went well then she will contact you and you may proceed to court her. Or just buy her an engine-oil shot at the bar and see where it goes from there.

I slept with this guy after meeting him at a bar. I didn't intend for it to go much farther than that, but he won't stop texting, calling, and emailing me. Can I just ignore him or do I need to officially end it?
If you are intending to never have any more relations with this man, it is imperative that you end it. Our ability to be polite and adhere to social conduct is what separates us from the animals and we must exercise said ability at all times.

I just moved in with my boyfriend, and after years of awesome sex, we've become a cliché. We actually don't have sex more than once a week. Sometimes, that's because one of us is out, but other times, we get in bed at the same time and just go to sleep. How can we get the spark back?
When in doubt, turn to Tesla. Try an antique Violet Ray Oscillator or similar home medical device (remember, embrace technology). If that doesn’t put the spark back, nothing will!

My new boyfriend recently asked me to share my email password. When I told him I didn't think it was necessary, he said I either don't trust him or I'm trying to hide something. It's neither of those reasons. What should I do? Is it normal for couples to share passwords?
Rookie mistake on his part; he brought up the whole “trust” issue. Next time he mentions it just turn it around on him with something like “Why do you need to go through my emails? You don’t trust me, do you?” then act mad and withhold sex for a day or two. A reaction like that would break any man. And to answer the question of normality, I would simply recommend you not look to what is normal. If you feel that it would be a bad idea, it probably is.

My girlfriend has a close male friend who I'm starting to think wants more than a platonic relationship with her. They've been friends for longer than I've known her, but I don't want to lose my girlfriend. How do I approach this situation without coming off like a jealous asshole?
The answer is quite obvious: pistol duel. Twenty paces, one shot each or until the matter is solved. (Side note: dueling is illegal in Canada, pursuant to Statute 71 of the Criminal Code which states everyone who: (a) challenges or attempts by any means to provoke another person to fight a duel, (b) attempts to provoke a person to challenge another person to fight a duel, or (c) accepts a challenge to fight a duel, is guilty of an indictable offense and liable to imprisonment for a term not exceeding two years.)

An ex-boyfriend of mine has come back into my life recently and the two of us are getting along very well. I admit, I'm still attracted to him sexually, and I can tell it's mutual. Is it always a terrible idea to have sex with an ex?
Yes, it is a terrible idea. On the other hand, terrible ideas usually end up being the most fun ideas.

If "The Steampunk" were a sexual position, what would it be?
If a sexual position were to be named “The Steampunk,” it would certainly be intricate, dangerous, loud, and completely unnecessary. That or it would involve a modified steam-piston and brass-studded leather harness.

Lady Clankington, 24

What makes steampunks better in bed?
We’re fun, we’re adventurous, and we like role-playing and dressing up. What’s not to love?

What's the best way to pick up a steampunk?
Dress well. It doesn’t have to be anything expensive but do make an effort. Be neat and well-groomed. Politeness and manners count for a lot. Don’t try to put on a fake accent if you can’t carry it off. Phrases such as “’Ey, luv, fancy a shag?” are a bad idea.

I'm really into steampunk, but my girlfriend isn't. I spend a lot of my time doing related stuff — and so far, it’s working, but I'm worried. Do opposites really attract, or should I find someone more similar to me?
Opposites can attract but you still need to find some common ground. Try attending a steampunk event together. There’s usually at least one panel or workshop on “Steampunk 101.” If she has any interest in art, history, fashion, music, etc. she should be able to find something to do there. If you’ve tried everything and she still doesn’t want anything to do with it, maybe you two aren’t a good fit for each other.

I slept with this guy after meeting him at a bar. I didn't intend for it to go much farther than that, but he won't stop texting, calling, and emailing me. Can I just ignore him or do I need to officially end it?
Waiting for the average guy to just get the hint is like winning the lottery: possible but unlikely. If you want him to leave you alone, you’re going to have to say so.

My girlfriend has recently been exploring her interest in sex toys. At first I was happy to go along, but she obviously wants to go a lot farther than I do. Should I suck it up for her sake, or find a way to let her that it's a little too much for me?
She wants to have sex with you! That’s a good thing! Ask her to pick a favorite toy and teach you how to use it on her. The only time toys are ever a problem is if she would rather use them alone than actually have sex with you. If that’s the case, maybe you need to reevaluate your relationship.

My boyfriend hasn't come out to his parents yet. It's becoming increasingly hard to take the next step in our relationship because of it. I understand what he's going through, but I'm getting impatient. What do I do?
I understand that admitting you’re a steampunk can be very traumatizing! Just be sure he wears a suitable hat for the occasion and all will be well.

My girlfriend has a close male friend who I'm starting to think wants more than a platonic relationship with her. They've been friends for longer than I've known her, but I don't want to lose my girlfriend. How do I approach this situation without coming off like a jealous asshole?
Be sincere about your concerns and add a light smattering of vulnerability (but not too much). Chicks dig that.

If "The Steampunk" was a sexual position, what would it be?
It wouldn’t actually be called “The Steampunk”. It would probably be called “The James Watt,” due to his inventions of horsepower and the double-acting piston. You can probably imagine the rest.

Matt, 25

What makes steampunks better in bed?
We're creative; we're imaginative; we're adventurous; we're not afraid to bring a little science and technology into the bedroom. And we have brass balls.

I'm really into steampunk, but my girlfriend isn't. I spend a lot of my time doing related stuff — and so far, it's working, but I'm worried. Do opposites really attract, or should I find someone more similar to me?
Well, of course steampunks tend to like other steampunks because we really put a lot of ourselves into the lifestyle. However, I don't think it's necessary that both parties be steampunks for there to be compatibility. I do think, though, that if one of them just doesn't get it and sees steampunk as just childish dressing up or immature "make believe" then I don't think it will work.

My girlfriend has recently been exploring her interest in sex toys. At first I was happy to explore, but she obviously wants to go a lot farther than I do. Should I suck it up for her sake, or find a way to let her know that it's a little too much for me?
Well, I think it all depends on what "a lot farther" is and the comfort of both parties. If the girl wants to, say, shove an egg beater into herself and that makes you uncomfortable, I would say you should let her know that that isn't kosher for you. If it's simply a matter of trying new toys and things you haven't tried yet and you're simply not used to the idea of toys, suck it up and try it. It never hurts to expand your boundaries in bed a bit and try new things.

My boyfriend hasn't come out to his parents yet. It's becoming increasingly hard to take the next step in our relationship because of it. I understand what he's going through, but I'm getting impatient. What do I do?
Keep being patient. It can be a very, very difficult thing coming out to parents, especially if his family is religious or conservative. With all the stories of people being beaten to death or being disowned for coming out, it's very understandable that he's nervous. All you can do is support him, tell him you're there, and make sure he knows that you'll help him whenever he's ready to come out. I know some people who have never come out to their parents due to fear, even into middle age. 

My friend and I are constantly attracted to the same women. I really like them and he only wants to fuck. They always choose him. Is there something wrong with me or am I looking for the wrong type of girl?
That's kind of a tough one. I can promise you that there is (most likely) nothing wrong with you. Maybe the girls you like just go for the more adventurous type who they can fuck. A lot of women feel more "secure" with the quick-fuck kind of guy because there isn't nearly as much fear of rejection, attachment, commitment, and emotional pain. You can do a number of things here. Firstly, you can keep pushing on in hopes you'll find the type of girl you like who does just want a simple, old-fashioned relationship. Secondly, you can think about opening up and being a bit more forward with these types of girls you like. Thirdly, maybe talk to your friend and ask if he can back down occasionally with a couple of them and instead be a wing-man for you and help you get the girl. A real friend would gladly help you do that. Lastly, there is always the possibility that there is something wrong with you.

I just moved in with my boyfriend, and after years of awesome sex, we've become a cliche. We actually don't have sex more than once a week. Sometimes, that's because one of us is out, but other times, we get in bed at the same time and just go to sleep. How can we get the spark back?
That's actually extremely common, but the spark is easy to get back. Try something new and spice things up a bit. Maybe plan a super-romantic evening that leads to a romp in bed. You can also try something new in the sack, too. Add in some simple BDSM elements like handcuffs and blindfolds, go to a sex shop and get the newest and best sex toy and try it out. Another thing that tends to work is to be a little adventurous. Add a bit of danger to your sexings. Maybe try fucking outdoors somewhere or against an open window. If you two are already really adventurous and are also very secure in your relationship, bring in a third party.

If "The Steampunk" were a sexual position, what would it be?
Probably something to do with exhibitionism, due to steampunks' adventurous nature. Personally, when I think of steampunk as a sexual position, I think of the girl bent over against a wall with her skirt hiked up in the back with the guy fucking her from behind, but that's just me.