Sex Advice From Steampunks

Q: "If "The Steampunk" was a sexual position, what would it be?" A: "It would be intricate, dangerous, loud, and completely unnecessary."

By David Warner

Tommy, 21

What makes a steampunk better in bed?
We always know what buttons to push in order to achieve maximum, ahem, pressure.

What’s the best way to pick up a steampunk?
Easy: lock eyes with her at a ball, high tea, or other social gathering to let her know that you are interested. If the feeling is mutual, she’ll pretend to faint so that you can catch her and look like the hero, at which time you can slip her your calling card. If all went well then she will contact you and you may proceed to court her. Or just buy her an engine-oil shot at the bar and see where it goes from there.

I slept with this guy after meeting him at a bar. I didn't intend for it to go much farther than that, but he won't stop texting, calling, and emailing me. Can I just ignore him or do I need to officially end it?
If you are intending to never have any more relations with this man, it is imperative that you end it. Our ability to be polite and adhere to social conduct is what separates us from the animals and we must exercise said ability at all times.

I just moved in with my boyfriend, and after years of awesome sex, we've become a cliché. We actually don't have sex more than once a week. Sometimes, that's because one of us is out, but other times, we get in bed at the same time and just go to sleep. How can we get the spark back?
When in doubt, turn to Tesla. Try an antique Violet Ray Oscillator or similar home medical device (remember, embrace technology). If that doesn’t put the spark back, nothing will!

My new boyfriend recently asked me to share my email password. When I told him I didn't think it was necessary, he said I either don't trust him or I'm trying to hide something. It's neither of those reasons. What should I do? Is it normal for couples to share passwords?
Rookie mistake on his part; he brought up the whole “trust” issue. Next time he mentions it just turn it around on him with something like “Why do you need to go through my emails? You don’t trust me, do you?” then act mad and withhold sex for a day or two. A reaction like that would break any man. And to answer the question of normality, I would simply recommend you not look to what is normal. If you feel that it would be a bad idea, it probably is.

My girlfriend has a close male friend who I'm starting to think wants more than a platonic relationship with her. They've been friends for longer than I've known her, but I don't want to lose my girlfriend. How do I approach this situation without coming off like a jealous asshole?
The answer is quite obvious: pistol duel. Twenty paces, one shot each or until the matter is solved. (Side note: dueling is illegal in Canada, pursuant to Statute 71 of the Criminal Code which states everyone who: (a) challenges or attempts by any means to provoke another person to fight a duel, (b) attempts to provoke a person to challenge another person to fight a duel, or (c) accepts a challenge to fight a duel, is guilty of an indictable offense and liable to imprisonment for a term not exceeding two years.)

An ex-boyfriend of mine has come back into my life recently and the two of us are getting along very well. I admit, I'm still attracted to him sexually, and I can tell it's mutual. Is it always a terrible idea to have sex with an ex?
Yes, it is a terrible idea. On the other hand, terrible ideas usually end up being the most fun ideas.

If "The Steampunk" were a sexual position, what would it be?
If a sexual position were to be named “The Steampunk,” it would certainly be intricate, dangerous, loud, and completely unnecessary. That or it would involve a modified steam-piston and brass-studded leather harness.

Commentarium (37 Comments)

Mar 14 11 - 1:55am

Tommy is quite the charmer. I'd take his calling card any day of the week.

Mar 14 11 - 2:37am

Um, Lady Clankington doesn't look like a real human being. She resembles an old west, mutated mannequin. Yikes.

Mar 14 11 - 5:31am

Just a question, does she have breast implants? I can't tell if its the corset doing that or if they are just fake.

Mar 14 11 - 8:34am

Pretty sure it's just the corset. If you waist-train you can get down pretty small, and the general shape of her body isn't that of a girl with a small frame and breast implants.

Mar 14 11 - 2:18pm

That outfit should be against the law. I'm scared for her internal organs.

Mar 14 11 - 11:55pm

It's photoshopped. Yes, she is wearing a tight corset and has a tiny waist, but you can see the marks from sloppy clone-stamp around her waist.

Mar 14 11 - 11:58pm

You can see from this candid pic she has a n0rmal slender build....

Mar 23 11 - 1:53pm

I was at the shoot. she models for loads of places. I know for a fact there was no photoshop. How do I know? I made the corset.

Mar 14 11 - 8:33am

Funny, gorgeous and dishing out good advice? Tommy wins this round.

Mar 14 11 - 10:35am

I'll second that. Tommy FTW!

Mar 14 11 - 12:11pm

Disagree... I thought his advice was pretty terrible actually!

Mar 14 11 - 11:18pm

Well Ryan, while I disagree with what you say, I will defend to the death your right to say it

Mar 14 11 - 11:55pm

His advice is terrible, but he is a qt

Mar 14 11 - 9:07am

"steampunk" isn't a noun, it's an adjective

Mar 14 11 - 9:59am

How about a verb?

Mar 14 11 - 10:14am

Down, Nazi! It may be correctly used as both an adjective and a noun.

Mar 15 11 - 12:50am

And a verb. It is quite common "to steampunk" an object

Mar 23 11 - 1:59pm

not a noun?

Steampunk: noun
[mass noun]
a genre of science fiction that typically features steam-powered machinery rather than advanced technology.

Mar 14 11 - 10:50am

Matt actually had pretty good advice. Well done, sir.

Mar 14 11 - 1:09pm

I want to smack all of them.

Mar 14 11 - 11:13pm

Sounds like fun ;)

Mar 22 11 - 8:24pm

Why are we being smacked?

Mar 14 11 - 3:16pm

Lady Clankington looks suspiciously like a Real Doll to me. Not because of the tiny waist, but because her face and skin look synthetic.

Mar 14 11 - 10:03pm

I second that. Let that be a lesson to ya, Photoshoppers!

Mar 23 11 - 1:54pm

Actually, her skin really is that good.

Mar 14 11 - 11:25pm

Even if I don't like steampunk, I still wanted to hear what that Tommy had to say. Ow! Ow!

Mar 15 11 - 1:02pm
Oh my

Tommy IS something, isn't he? I would certainly take more than his calling card...

Mar 18 11 - 8:52pm

Can Tommy be real? So cute and charming, and with a sense of humor! I don't think I'd need to fake a swoon. <3

Mar 19 11 - 9:20pm

A well made corset would do exactly what her corset does for her without pain or any internal damage. I see no photo shop evidence. It just a good corset worn tight.

Mar 19 11 - 10:37pm

Matt is pretty awesome imo and gives great advice :)

Mar 19 11 - 10:51pm
thee gartisan

@fee garden: I've met Lady Clankington & hung out with at a couple events. Her skin is very nice!

Mar 20 11 - 12:50am

Not going to lie - I kind of want one of Lady Clankington's little death rays:

Mar 20 11 - 12:51am

I'd do the steampunk with Tommy any time...

Mar 21 11 - 12:59am

Thank you all for the kind words! If you're interested in Steampunk at all, you should check out my group: VSteam -

Mar 22 11 - 8:09pm

It saddens me to see all of the comments about Miss Clankington as she really is that beautiful in real life and her body is an average womans body with curves and hips, she just does corset training.

But anywho, for those who liked the advice of Matt, which would be myself, you can always go check out my hand-crafted steampunk jewelery on facebook:

Mar 26 11 - 12:56am

Good bunch! And props for the criminal code!