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Sex Advice From Steampunks
Q: "If "The Steampunk" was a sexual position, what would it be?" A: "It would be intricate, dangerous, loud, and completely unnecessary."
By David Warner
What makes a steampunk better in bed?
We always know what buttons to push in order to achieve maximum, ahem, pressure.
What’s the best way to pick up a steampunk?
Easy: lock eyes with her at a ball, high tea, or other social gathering to let her know that you are interested. If the feeling is mutual, she’ll pretend to faint so that you can catch her and look like the hero, at which time you can slip her your calling card. If all went well then she will contact you and you may proceed to court her. Or just buy her an engine-oil shot at the bar and see where it goes from there.
I slept with this guy after meeting him at a bar. I didn't intend for it to go much farther than that, but he won't stop texting, calling, and emailing me. Can I just ignore him or do I need to officially end it?
If you are intending to never have any more relations with this man, it is imperative that you end it. Our ability to be polite and adhere to social conduct is what separates us from the animals and we must exercise said ability at all times.
I just moved in with my boyfriend, and after years of awesome sex, we've become a cliché. We actually don't have sex more than once a week. Sometimes, that's because one of us is out, but other times, we get in bed at the same time and just go to sleep. How can we get the spark back?
When in doubt, turn to Tesla. Try an antique Violet Ray Oscillator or similar home medical device (remember, embrace technology). If that doesn’t put the spark back, nothing will!
My new boyfriend recently asked me to share my email password. When I told him I didn't think it was necessary, he said I either don't trust him or I'm trying to hide something. It's neither of those reasons. What should I do? Is it normal for couples to share passwords?
Rookie mistake on his part; he brought up the whole “trust” issue. Next time he mentions it just turn it around on him with something like “Why do you need to go through my emails? You don’t trust me, do you?” then act mad and withhold sex for a day or two. A reaction like that would break any man. And to answer the question of normality, I would simply recommend you not look to what is normal. If you feel that it would be a bad idea, it probably is.
My girlfriend has a close male friend who I'm starting to think wants more than a platonic relationship with her. They've been friends for longer than I've known her, but I don't want to lose my girlfriend. How do I approach this situation without coming off like a jealous asshole?
The answer is quite obvious: pistol duel. Twenty paces, one shot each or until the matter is solved. (Side note: dueling is illegal in Canada, pursuant to Statute 71 of the Criminal Code which states everyone who: (a) challenges or attempts by any means to provoke another person to fight a duel, (b) attempts to provoke a person to challenge another person to fight a duel, or (c) accepts a challenge to fight a duel, is guilty of an indictable offense and liable to imprisonment for a term not exceeding two years.)
An ex-boyfriend of mine has come back into my life recently and the two of us are getting along very well. I admit, I'm still attracted to him sexually, and I can tell it's mutual. Is it always a terrible idea to have sex with an ex?
Yes, it is a terrible idea. On the other hand, terrible ideas usually end up being the most fun ideas.
If "The Steampunk" were a sexual position, what would it be?
If a sexual position were to be named “The Steampunk,” it would certainly be intricate, dangerous, loud, and completely unnecessary. That or it would involve a modified steam-piston and brass-studded leather harness.