Sex Advice From . . . Tattoo Artists

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Peter, 21
A client wants their honey’s name tattooed across their ass. Do you feel obligated to tell them that their relationship is now officially doomed?
Yeah, I’ll often charge them twice as much. It includes the consultation to cover it up.

Sexiest place for a tattoo?
Can’t be the tit. It’s gotta be right near the box. Not so near the box that you have to think about the tattoo artist that was there beforehand, but near enough so that you can just unzip your pants, pull them down a little and say, "Look."

Hottest tattoo you’ve ever designed?
That has to be, in big, bold, Old English letters, "Eat Me Out." A girl came in here on her eighteenth birthday. She says, "I want ‘Eat Me Out’ written across the top of my pussy." She gets halfway through the tattoo and finally the explanation comes out. She went eighteen years without receiving oral sex, and this is to ensure that whoever sees her naked is going to know exactly what she wants.

That might not look so fantastic when she’s seventy-five.
At least she’ll be able to say she got as much head as she possibly could in seventy-five years.

What tattoo design and or placement is the biggest turn-off?
It’s gotta be that lower back crap. And the tits. Tattoos never looks good on your tits — they’re disgusting. When you put a tattoo on them, they look like a sagging ass on your chest.


What are the do’s and the don’ts of a handjob?
Don’t do the side-to-side thing! I don’t know why girls do this. They’ll get it going and then start moving in every direction. You have to do a steady pattern. Watch me do it once.

The do’s and don’ts of fingering?
Do not start jamming it in there as hard as you can, no matter how loud she screams, it’s not that great. Do the come hither: place your fingers just inside and against the vaginal wall and just gently pull your fingers back against it. And while you’re at it, keep a thumb on the clitoris. It’s not that hard to find, just stick your thumb in the general area and you’re bound to get something.

Top five most underrated erogenous zones?
Toes, knees — like if you put some fingernails on the back of the knees, you have a lot nerve endings in the area. Back of the neck. What am I up to, three? Nose and butthole. Highly underrated.

How do you get a tattoo artist to come home with you?
Don’t show them your tattoo — it’s not going to impress them. Be spontaneous, crazy. Tattoo artists get women thrown at them, every single day. Imagine working as a rock-and-roll gynecologist. That’s what a tattoo parlor is.

Melanie, 19
So a client comes in to get their honey’s name tattooed straight on their ass. Do you let them know their relationship is fifty times more likely to end before the ink is dry?
I would just say, ‘You’re a fucking idiot.’ But there’s some exceptions. Like if they’re dead or something.

Sexiest location for a tattoo?
For a guy, a real nice chest piece. My boyfriend has his penis tattooed, and I think that’s pretty hot.
It’s like three stars right across the top. He showed me like five minutes after I met him, and I was like, "Hello! What’s your name again?" I think the chest piece is also really great on a girl, like right above her tits. And the calves. Or right below the ass, on her thighs.

Tattoo location and design that’s the biggest turn off?
Tribal armbands. Worst thing ever. Tribal anything anywhere.

Do’s and don’ts of a hand job?

Don’t use your left hand if you’re right-handed. Ask for help if you need it. Use both hands, sit facing the person and use a lot of lubrication.

Blowjob etiquette: should a guy ask before coming in somebody’s mouth?
No, because all that asking questions shit ruins the mood. If you’re giving a blowjob and you’re going to be highly offended if this person shoots a load in your mouth, you should tell them beforehand. Just say, "Let me know when you’re going to shoot." Otherwise, don’t fucking ask.

Most underrated erogenous zones?
Behind the knees and the belly button.

Environmental issues: best music for sex?
Hardcore is good. Bad Religion is good.

When sex starts to go bad in a relationship, how do you get things back on track?

Bring a friend.

Steven, 21
A client comes in wanting their honey’s name tattooed on their ass. Do you tell them their relationship is fifty times more likely to end before the ink is dry?
I usually try to talk people out of getting other people’s names — boyfriend or girlfriend types — tattooed on their body.

How many people cover it up afterward?
A good fifty percent. I do a lot of cover-ups.

Sexiest location for a tattoo?
For me, a really good-looking girl with her hands tattooed is usually great.

Sexiest tattoo you’ve ever designed?
On the back of her leg, a skull with a top hat on it. On the other leg, there’s like a gypsy woman’s head with a banner around it that says "True Love."

Do’s and don’ts of a hand job?

Don’t forget about the orphans, you know what I mean?

Rim jobs: sometimes, never or always?

Oh man, to tell you the truth I’ll lick everything.

Top five most underrated erogenous zones?
I think the hip bones, the back of the neck, collar bones are hot and girls with nice hands are pretty hot, I’ve seen some girls with serious man hands and that’s not very hot.

How do you get participants for group sex?
I hear going to Jersey usually helps.

John P., 45
A client wants their honey’s name tattooed on their ass. Do you let them know the relationship is fifty times more likely to end before the ink is dry?
Yeah, we tell them all the time. I usually like to use the metaphor of a chess game. Hit the chess timer — by the time we’re through with the tattoo, that’s how long your relationship is going to last.

How often do you get people who come in and ask for a name?
Daily. I’ve had people come in on Friday and get a two-inch name tattooed on their arm, then come back Monday to get it covered up. Two days is all it takes.

Sexiest location for a tattoo?
Right in front of a pussy.

Blowjob etiquette: is it okay to give directions?
Always. And they don’t have to be verbal. You can set rhythm without having to say anything. I’ve got the feeling that someone who’s doing it and knows what they’re doing knows how it’s going to end. If there’s a problem, they’ll let you know.

How do you politely tell someone they’re in need of genital deforestation?
Oh! My last girlfriend and I broke up for that very reason. It was ’70s porno bush — quite a surprise because you don’t see much of that anymore. The second time I said, "Do you ever think of trimming a little bit?"And she was almost surprised by that. Then I asked her flat out, "Could you trim it a little bit? Because it contains odors that I don’t like." And she didn’t, so I never called again. Three times I asked.

How do you give the best cunnilingus?
It’s my favorite thing to do. I could do it for hours. You just have to take it easy. It’s not a race. Slower the better. Take a break and go back. I’m not a big fan of the sixty-nine, I like to concentrate.

Best music for sex?
I’ve gotten a lot of mileage out of this old Enigma CD.

Agent, 28
A client asks you to tattoo their lover’s name tattooed on their ass. Do you let them know their relationship is fifty times more likely to end by the time the ink is dry?
Of course, then I tell them to do it about fifty times bigger so it’s more money to cover it up.

Sexiest location for a tattoo?
On a girl, the chest. A full chest piece.

The tattoo location and design that’s the biggest turn-off?
For females, definitely shoulders and arms unless they’re full sleeves. The single little tattoo sucks.

If someone gives you a rim job, do you return the favor?
Of course.

How do you give the best head?
I was taught by a lesbian when I was seventeen. Technique, form, speed, decreasing speed, increasing speed.

What do you never say after sex?
“Your sister was better.”

What do you always say after sex?
“Ladies and gentlemen, little Elvis has left the building.”

Piercings: yay or nay?
All piercings in general are good; service piercings tend to get in the way. They get in the way, they always reject, they always leave ugly scars. Clit, labia, good.  

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