Advice

Sex Advice From . . . Taxi Drivers

Pin it

Warhol said that everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes; Nerve believes that anyone can be a sexpert for at least thirty seconds. In this series, we ask average citizens — all representatives of a specific walk of life — to school us on various sexual matters.

Mohammed, 30

Is the recreational use of Viagra a good idea?
HA HA HA! Good grief. Well, it depends on many things. Generally speaking, young men will not need this medication. If they do not have strength in the bedroom, then this is on many occasions a matter of the mind, not of the loins.

Well, suppose a young, virile guy such as yourself feels like having a little extra push?
Hmmm. I suppose there may be times that it could be useful, if you need to be really, really strong. But you know, I have thirty years — not a young man but not an old man — and I have a wonderful sexual life, so I do not have any use for it.

How about if there were two chicks?
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Oh my goodness. Well, I will tell you, I think that it is just better to get a little bit drunk, no? I think that for young man Viagra is simply too powerful.

Alcohol is nature's Viagra.
Yes, my friend. Unless there is too much. Then it's like, um, what is this thing? Kryptonite!

What's the most discouraging thing a woman can do in bed?
Um . . . well, if they not happy with you then it will show and this is a terrible thing, terrible. You feel bad, she feel bad. Hmmm, what else. They must not make you angry. That is also very horrible.

I gave my number to a girl at a concert. I found out that she has a boyfriend. We've been hanging out for a month, and she hasn't mentioned him. Should I dump her?
When you realized this, you must also realize that you have a choice to be with her. I think that if you show that you are good man to her, and that you grow to like her, then you must take her over. You know, from the first man. She has too a choice. She has now seen that you are good to her and you know, treat her like a lady, and then she must decide. After a month of this, you must find out if she continues with this other man. If so, then you must confront her. If, after this time, she wants the both of you . . . well, this is terrible.

I want to be a blowjob queen. How can I become one?
You just tell me you liked the girl from the concert! You are crazy!

No, no, not me personally.
You have many troubles! Ha ha ha. You're a crazy guy, no?

No, it's a question from someone else. A reader letter.
Ah, I see. Well, this is difficult. But I think, you know, she's a woman, she have to learn to make man feel good. It's my job to make woman feel good, you know. So I think my advice is to spend a long time doing it. If it two, three minute and can't do it no more, that isn't good sex. Maybe take Viagra! Ha ha ha ha.

What's the best way to coax women into having group sex?
Um. Ha ha ha ha. Most ladies, they want to be with one man, you understand? But two girl, three girl. It depends on how you are to them. If you are nice then maybe, you know sometime, they will have sex with you. To me, I like to have two girls at the same time. Like heaven, no? HA HA HA HA HA HA!

What's a good sex toy for someone who is afraid of sex toys?
[Incredulous] Afraid of them? Explain please.

As in reluctant to use one.
Ah, because their use is somewhat stigmatized?

Exactly.
A good way to start would be to use the toys with your sex, you know? Use your body naturally and at the same time you use the sex toys with her. People use sex toys originally because they don't have a man. And perhaps that women feel like people think they be lonesome and sad. So my advice is to introduce them when with a man, and then it stands for pleasure, you know. Not being bashful or fat.

Right. Where's the best place to have sex in public?
It depends. You can be in Central Park and have sex although this makes no sense to me because you know, you could go to bar and do it in the bathroom.

How about in the back of a cab. Does that happen a lot?
HA HA HA. Most of the time. They are having sex, and I catch them. I say, "Hey what you do?" and they say, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." And I say, "Hey, you should ask me if you want to do that, you know." And then they say, "I'll take care of you man, I'll care of you." I don't mind, really. You have to give people a break sometime. Not everyone can afford to have a hotel room for a night if they live with their mother, you know. And I know how it is, man. If you have to do it, you have to do it. HA HA HA HA HA!

So would you stop anyone if they were halfway through?
Sometimes, if they seem disrespectful or I'm angry. Sometimes.

What if they were two women?
Then I take the long way. You understand? HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Israel, 59

When your lover asks about your past sexual encounters, is honesty the best policy?
You want advice? Make sex with Canadian women. American women, they are good, but Canadian women? Boy.

Really?
I tell you, when I came to America thirty years ago . . . how old are you?

Twenty-seven.
Ah yes, so it was around your age. I was a lifeguard in Point Pleasant, New Jersey. There was bus of tourists from Montreal, you know, in Canada. And I tell you, these women, they just want to have good times, you know? Not like American women. Different. Very open, free, very nice. Smiling and things like this. Anyway, one woman, she sees me and she waves and say hello. Her husband work all of the time, so she take vacation with her daughter. So we have some wine in her hotel room and then have crazy sex all night. But we had to be quiet because her daughter is sleeping in other room. Her daughter is seventeen and very sad. You know, look sad and everything. The next night we do the same thing, again very quiet. On the third night, the mother says to me that the daughter, her daughter, is virgin. And that I should be with her. She tells me to get in bed with girl while she is sleeping, you know? I say, "Are you sure?" and she tell me that, yes, she wants daughter to be with a good man, experienced man, for first time. So very quietly, I come in room and get into bed with girl. First she is upset. But her mother says it okay and then we make sex all of the night. The next morning the girl is so happy, and the mother is so grateful to me. We have breakfast, and then they go home. We keep in touch for a few years after this. I tell you, Canada is a great place.

Ibrahim, 37

How can a man be more chivalrous to a woman?
Open the car door, try not to cuss. Things like this.

What's the trick to getting a girl into anal?
Trick? There is no trick.

Oh, come on, you know how some girls can be reluctant to "try new things".
Simplicity itself. You have to seduce her. You have to have an understanding of what she wants and what she needs from a lover. You have to establish what her desires are. So you could base your strategy on that, in fact, this is the basis for almost everything when it comes to women. You have to tap into her sexuality to a point where you will make her think that whatever you want her to do was actually her idea. Only then you must touch her hole and you will tell her to relax.

Is the recreational use of Viagra a good idea?
It's not. Because Viagra has side effects.

Like what?
Well side effects stem from the fact that it is not your energy. It is synthetic. Therefore I wouldn't advise anyone to use it. But if you are weak, you can go ahead and use Viagra, and it will benefit you. In this instance, it is not cheating. Because you are dealing with a medical problem. But if you are healthy, it is not advisable.

Where is the best place to have sex in public?
You mean private or public?

Um, public.
When the party is hot, you get me? Hot. Then it is fun to get sex. The same goes for nightclub, outside in the night on the park. You guys having some little picnic. And it is while you are having this picnic that you could stick it to her behind a tree or in the bushes and have fun, you know. It is very interesting.

Would you advise people to fool around in the back of the cab?
You know, about two years ago a couple tried to do that. I said that to continue, they would have to pay me $100. They said okay, but they didn't pay me. These cheap people, they make me annoyed. It's illegal to do that, first of all. If they really wanted to do that for the sake of craziness, then I should charge them, because it is my living. If I get caught with them like this in the cab, I'll get a ticket and it's going to cost me a lot of money, you see?

What advice would you give a woman for improving her oral sex technique?
Well, first of all, you have to try and see if she is good or not.

Go on.
Well if she is good then all you have to do is advise her a little more on your personal preferences. You know, I think it is safe to say that we all like it differently. Like variations on a theme. Well. . . let's make sure she had that theme first. If she has no idea then you really have to start from the bottom and tell her how it goes. You, know "this is how you do it," and you tell her the tricks. That is the best way to teach a lady.

A reader letter: I'm a guy in a relationship and I'm satisfied with having sex once a week but my girlfriend wants it every night and oral doesn't satisfy her. What can I do?
Did I hear correctly? That's a guy?

Yeah.
[shakes head and sighs] Wow. I suppose that he could fill this void partially by perhaps buying her flowers, appealing to her romantically, appealing to her spiritually, taking her to the park and the beach, telling her good stories. Although I imagine this man does not have many interesting ones. Keep her focus on how special he thinks she is. Make sure you win her heart. Therefore anytime you want things your way she will accept because you are making her feel like a princess. But you know, mon, princesses like to make love too! I'd suspect that this man has a deeply rooted problem and should seek counsel from a doctor or priest.

Wow. So how do you get two women into bed with you.
Well, I think you must be confident about what you are after when you approach two women. You have to say this: "Excuse me, ladies but I have to ask you a funny question. Have you ever wondered about sex with two girls and one guy?" If they say "no," you say how good it is for everybody. If you haven't done it yourself, you could lie and tell them that it is wonderful, and say, "I don't know if you ladies would like that, but you should try it." Perhaps the best way is to suggest one woman watch you do it to her friend. It is woman's nature to want to join in. You will motivate her to participate. Women are more competitive than any man.

What should never be said in the bedroom?
Well, don't mention any name but hers. But a man of your age should already know this.

What's the best technique for preventing premature ejaculation?
It's not to even think about ejaculation. It should be the furthest thing from your mind when engaging in love. When you have a woman in your hands, don't think about you, only her. You must put the emphasis on her enjoyment. Once it is fully out of your head, things will improve. If ejaculation comes too soon, then neither of you are satisfied.

Take it slow?
That's right.

A reader letter: My partner wants me to dress up during sex but I feel silly. I want to please him but have a hard time getting into it. Do you have any advice about how I could deal with this?
Well firstly, she's been with this person a long time, right?

Sure.
Well she knows the type of person that she is dealing with. She has to take notice of what she is wearing when he compliments her. If he never compliments her, well he has a lot to learn because woman needs compliments like a fish needs water. She should list all of these outfits that he compliments her about and what it is about them that he likes. If they all have something in common. Then she should buy a new outfit that has all of these elements to excite him. She will appeal to him and show him that she wants to turn him on and make him happy but avoid dressing like a nurse or a prostitute. Compromise.

I can't get over my ex. Especially the sex. I can't find better. We split up a long time ago, and I'm worried. What can I do?
Ah yes, I remember that girl. HA HA HA HA HA. The ball is very much in her court. Like I said before, she needs to find out what a man's desires are and base her tricks on these things. Then most men will rise to the occasion and reciprocate. But she has to take it slow, because when a man knows a woman like him a lot, that's when he try to play her.

I'm a man and I don't like receiving oral sex. Am I a freak?
Wow. Who are these people? I mean, I suppose there is nothing wrong with that. More for the rest of us!

I think that this guy feels strange telling girls that he doesn't like it. Because guys are supposed to love it.
He can keep it to himself, and when a woman does it to him he can pretend. Acting like he likes it but deep down inside, he doesn't.

Sure but I mean, sometimes the body can't lie like the tongue can, if you catch my drift.
Yes, but you can pretend.

I have a long-term girlfriend, but I can't stop masturbating. Should I feel guilty about that?
Yes. He has a problem, quite obviously. If you can't stop masturbating and you have a girlfriend, then my friend you need to see a doctor. Because it's a sickness man. If this girl she satisfy him to the max, let's assume, then he must seek help. These are some strange people.

Constantine, 62

Is the recreational use of Viagra a good idea?
Never. I mean, look at me. I don't need this Viagra. And if I don't need it, a young man like you doesn't need it. You should change your diet and exercise. I've been married for forty years. This is not a problem.

A reader letter: I'm a girl and my boyfriend is a virgin. I'm not. I want to make his first time special. I don't want him to think about my past experience. I just want him to relax and enjoy it.
[Audibly flummoxed] Is this how girls think now? I don't know, I mean this is along time ago for me, this thing. I was fifteen and one of the girls I knew was . . . a tomboy. She did it with me and my friend in the back of her father's truck. One at a time. Does that tell you how boys feel? I tell you, she don't have to worry about making the thing special. That is for the man to worry about. He probably just wants to find out what it feels like. Young boys — I assuming that he is a young boy — don't care for romance.

I'm a woman who is good in bed. I worry that guys only like me for that. I want a guy to like me sexually, but how do I make sure he doesn't just want me for that?
Well, is being good in bed the same as being easy? So she is good in bed. That doesn't mean she has sex more that somebody who is not so skilled. So how about showing some restraint. In my day, there was only one type of woman who would brag about her lovemaking.

The girl in the truck?
She was one, yes. Ha ha ha.

Is it okay to kiss and tell?
Yes. Is okay.

What's the best way to let someone down easy?
Is never easy. If she is in love with you, anything you say apart from "No, I never want to see you again," she will take to mean that you will love her again. So you have to disappear from her life. Is difficult.

A student from Kenosha, Wisconsin, wants to know: Are incest fantasies okay as long as I don't act them out? Or should I seek therapy?
[long pause] Please, I don't want to talk any more.  

Interviews by Grant Stoddard.

Click here for previous editions of "Sex Advice From…"

All advice is for entertainment purposes only. Send your sex advice questions to sexadvicefrom@nerve.com.

©2004 Nerve.com, Inc.