What temping skill can be applied in the bedroom?
Moving from situation to situation quickly.
What sexual workplace pairing is overrated?
The intern. The intern gets bossed around by the next-lowest person on the totem pole, then ends up getting hit on by this person who is completely unimportant as far as the organization is concerned. It’s the saddest sort of power play.
I want to place a no-strings-sex ad online. How can I write it to keep the creeps at bay?
Do not write an onomatopoeia of animal sounds. No “rawr,” no “grr.” And if you’re a man, do not describe yourself as “fit.”
Under what circumstances is it okay to lie to your significant other?
If they’re pursuing something that’s really important to them. You shouldn’t lie to them about anything relationship-related or your feelings as they pertain to them, but if your boyfriend builds really bad ships in bottles, for instance, you probably should just tell him you like them anyway.
Last night, I ran into an ex who I haven’t seen in two years. He looked good and we had a great conversation. Could I ask him out now, casually? Is it possible for us to date when we were serious before?
This only works when it’s a “ramp down” — that is, when you’re dating someone exclusively, you can go non-exclusive. But if there’s any period of time when you actually stop dating altogether, and then you try to go back to “non-exclusive dating,” I would consider that to be impossible. If the person’s changed quite a bit — if they’ve gotten into yoga, or had serious head trauma — maybe it could be work. But if you’re both the same people as when you split up, I don’t think so.
What’s the most overrated setting for sex?
What’s verboten when it comes to public sex?
You should pick a place where you’re not in full view of lots of people, but you still should be able to be caught. Public park. Rooftop. Back of car. No public restrooms, though.
It’s inconsiderate to the people waiting.
As it is to do it at a party in someone’s bathroom.
Well, that depends on how many bathrooms they have.
How about sex in someone’s bedroom at a party? Is that okay?
Yes, but you should be respectful of their stuff.
Are we talking on top of the sheets, or underneath?
If you can eliminate that altogether, that’s best. The floor is your friend, as is the computer chair.
Is sleeping with the boss okay when you’re a temp?
I’d like to see more temps getting laid at work. You’re in, you’re out. It’s convenient for everyone.
How can I get a temp into bed?
Be friendly. Be the first one to learn their name. Never refer to them as “the temp.”
My boyfriend has a small penis. What can we do to maximize its potential?
Buy a toy. Introduce the toy as, “This will be fun. It will be an enhancement to our sex life.” Get one that looks nothing like a penis, one that’s purple or sparkly. Avoid all comparison to said bought object.
Opposite problem: He’s hung like a moose. How can I satisfy his needs without hurting myself?
The gag reflex is something that can be worked on with time and training. Singers work on their gag reflex to benefit their voices. Seek vocal coaching.
I love giving head, but my boyfriend doesn’t want to receive it. He says he feels it’s demeaning. How can we reconcile this?
My theory is that a lot of men learn about sex through porn, or are exposed to porn at a young age. I’m pro-porn, but I had a similar situation with a boyfriend. He thought giving head was demeaning because he had seen it in porn, where it can be presented in a demeaning way. But if you present it as a loving act that’s not about a power dynamic, he can get over that problem. It will take some of the pressure off.
What temping skills can be applied in the bedroom?
We’re used to a lot of monotony, so we’re polite in awkward situations.
What’s the best way to get a temp to go home with you?
Offer them medical insurance and go see their play.
What’s a good place for sex in the office?
I used to change my pants under my desk. I only had one pair of work pants, these awful khakis that I didn’t want to wear in public, so I would slide under my desk twice a day to change. If you were quiet and watched out for the wires, you could get it on down there.
What sex-at-work antic is the most overrated?
Doing it in a swivel chair.
My boyfriend takes anti-depressants that affect his erections. It’s hard for me to stay excited when he’s not entirely hard, and the change in my enthusiasm only makes matters worse for him. What are our options?
I don’t want the children of America to take my advice on this one, but if he’s already into pharmaceutical solutions, he could take boner pills. It doesn’t even have to be prescription. You could just write “boner” on some aspirin and give it to him. Psychologically, maybe it will have a placebo effect.
My ex had this great move she would use when we were having sex. It was like her signature. How can I get my current girlfriend to do it without explaining the move’s origins?
Just explain it! This is not sex with Kreskin. Outside of grabbing someone by the ears, you’re not going to get somebody to do that little thing that gets you off unless you act like an adult and say something.
And when she asks, “Did so-and-so do that?” should you fess up?
No. You read about it. You were reading the Cosmo Sutra at the dentist’s office. There should be no discussion of so-and-so whatsoever. That person has ceased to exist. You never should even admit that that person had genitalia or sexual functions.
Half the time we have sex, my boyfriend doesn’t come. He says he enjoys the sex either way, but how can I believe him? It’s killing my sex drive to think I’m not pleasing him. Is something wrong with us?
People put too much pressure on themselves. We live in such a results-oriented culture. To quote a motivational poster in our break room, “It’s not the destination, it’s the ride.” Just worry about the ride. Don’t worry about whether you’re going to end up with spooge on your face at the end.