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Sex Advice from . . . The Boy Least Likely To

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The Boy Least Likely To is a two-man band from Buckinghamshire, England that sings about sunshine, strawberries and soft animal fur. Their first album, The Best Party Ever, was released last summer to great acclaim. We asked singer Jof Owen (above, right) about anal play.

You know how they say you’re as good in bed as you are on the dance floor? Well, I’m a terrible dancer. Is there any hope for me in the bedroom?
You’ll just have to find someone equally as bad on the dance floor. It’s always quite nice to see people dancing badly together.

In your experience, do you think dance floor skills translate into bedroom skills?
Most girls are good dancers, I suppose, and most men are quite bad dancers. And especially after a certain age, you sort of forget how to dance. I think I just sort of got to, like, twenty-five and started dancing like Bruce Springsteen. I don’t know if I’m like Bruce Springsteen in bed.

Are there any nicknames that should never be used during sex?
Anything that rhymes with tummy. Nicknames, generally, I don’t think there’s a place for them, because if you call someone a nickname and then you split up, that word is just going to be weird forever. I knew someone once whose nickname was a part of the body, and now every time you mention that part of the body he flinches.

How can I attract a nice British boy?
I think interests are the key. They like people who like records and books. That’s just my own thing, and a lot of my friends are the same. So make sure you share the same interests. And if you don’t share the same interests, lie again. About your interests this time, I suppose.

I’m thinking of hosting a swingers’ party. What kind of food, music and decorations should I have?
A key theme would be nice. Key-lime pie. Big keys hanging from the ceiling, things like that. Jelly, I imagine. Put the keys in jelly, let the jelly set and at the end you have to fish them out with your teeth. That might be quite nice. For music, I guess Dean Martin. I mean, there’s only one great swinger, isn’t there? It’s Dean Martin all the way.

Recently, while having sex, my partner stuck her finger in my butt. I liked it, but I can’t bring myself to ask for it. How can I get her to do it again without asking?
Some friends of mine were discussing this the other day. They weren’t really friends, they were people who were with friends. How do you even bring that up? I . . . I can’t. But they said it was quite normal, they just sort of asked.

If he’s done it before, then obviously he’s up for it. Just say, “Oh, remember when you did that . . . and, uh with the . . . that was nice, wasn’t it?” Leave out the key words. In any tricky situation, always leave out key words like “finger” and “butt.” It’s like that song “Did You Ever” by Lee Hazlewood and Nancy Sinatra. They just left out all the key words, any words that might get them into a difficult position. Then you can always fall back on the thing like, “Oh no, you’ve got me completely wrong! The missing words there were ‘tongue’ and ‘ear.'” Hopefully they’ll get the jist.

Are there any ground rules for fingering someone’s ass?
Always ask. Never risk it. You can’t risk it and think, “Oh, I think I’ve seen the signs.” Make sure your hands are clean. And cut your nails. I’d imagine.

Could music help?
“Slip It In” by Black Flag would be the best one for that moment, I guess.

My boyfriend wants to experiment with role-playing, but the typical scenarios like teacher/student and boss/secretary seem too hackneyed. What else could we do?
I suppose the classics are always the best ones. Maybe a pizza-delivery boy. Cowboys and Indians. I’m not really a big fan of role-playing, I’ll be honest with you. I always think it’s kind of odd if you have to dress up as gladiators. I just don’t know what you’d do at that point when you’re lying in bed and your partner comes in dressed as a Roman Centurion. I don’t understand what you’d say at that point. How would you get from that position to, like, making out with them? You’d have to be like, “Oh, let me just undo your toga.”

What’s a good way to approach one of your fans?
She’d probably like a cake, a good book and a record, like an early-eighties pop record. I reckon that’d do it. Oh, and daffodils or gerberas.

What’s your best pickup line?
I’m a friend of your dad’s? No, that was a joke. That would be wrong.

What’s the best way to bed a Boy Least Likely To?
Ask nicely. Don’t mention the band. That never works. And gerberas, again, daffodils or gerberas. Yellow flowers. I think that would work. Oh, and maybe a drink would be nice. We’re both quite nervous people, so a drink of some sort.

What kind of drink? Are you a beer man?
No, not really, more of a wine . . . Maybe a Babycham. Do you have Babychams?

No.
Babycham’s a really cheap champagne drink.

Okay, yeah. We have Andre here, which is like three-dollar champagne.
Yeah, a case of that and maybe a John Hughes film. That’s it. But I’m afraid you haven’t got much chance, because I’ve got a girlfriend. I don’t want someone showing up with, like, cases of Babychams and saying, “Come on, you said this would work.” It won’t.
 

Interviews by Ali Moss. Sex Advice From… appears on Thursdays. Have questions for the general public? Send them to sexadvicefrom@nerve.com.


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