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Sex Advice from . . . The Brooklynites

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The Brooklynites, a recently published collection of photographs by Seth Kushner and stories by Anthony LaSala, features 206 residents of the iconic borough. We tracked down four of them for their to-the-point advice on sex, dating and relationships.

Dean Haspiel, 40
deanhaspiel.com

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It seems like every guy I used to date is my friend on Facebook and MySpace. I don’t want to know every little detail of their life every time I sign on. Is it okay to delete them?
I think it’s okay to delete the entire world. Maybe we’ll get back to doing things with each other again. And if they’re going to whine about it, even more reason to delete them.

I just found out that the guy I’m dating used to date a girl who I know and can’t stand. It makes less attracted to him. Any advice?
Tough titty. It’s not his fault you don’t like her and that he dated her before you. The question is, should you talk about your feelings? It’s okay to talk about your feelings without judgment or criticism — that way he can be at least sensitive if you two see her at a party or something.

The guy I’m dating does this weird thing with his tongue when he goes down on me. I told him I liked it the first time to be nice. How do I now let him know I don’t like it?
For everything you tell him you don’t like, tell him something you do like. Whatever he’s gotten good at that isn’t working for you, put that back in the toolbox and use something else.

I recently found out I have HPV. Do I have to tell every guy I sleep with beforehand?
Because of the very fact that you could make him a carrier, you have to talk about it. With something like 80% of the sexually active population in America already carrying it, who knows, he might already have it himself.

I’m a Midwest gal who wants to impress a Brooklyn guy. What should I do?
When I’ve met people that are from another place and they’ve tried to act all Brooklyn, I’m not impressed. Tell him a story about where you’re from. Also, you can impress me by knowing the subway system, because even I don’t always understand it, and I’m from here.

A friend has invited me to join her at sex parties a few times. I always make up an excuse about why I can’t go, and she keeps asking. How can I politely tell her I’m not interested without sounding judgmental?
There are some things you can just say no to. There’s a difference between someone asking, “Will you come to my birthday party?” and, “Will you come to my orgy?” An orgy is just not something everyone does, so hurting her feelings is not part of the equation — she’s asking you if you want peanut butter on your bagel, and you don’t.

Molly Crabapple, 24
mollycrabapple.com

I’m a girl who can have an orgasm during intercourse, but I’ve never been able to give myself one. How can I get myself off?
Probably what’s happening is your finger is getting tired before you get the desired result. Buy an extra-strong facial massager. With this, you can be lazy and still come.

I’m a Midwest boy who wants to impress a Brooklyn gal. What should I do?
Be yourself — a lot of New Yorkers have a redneck fantasy.

I’m a lesbian with a lot of straight girl friends. A few come on to me when they get really drunk, which makes me uncomfortable. What should I do?
Force the issue. Most straight girls just want to feel some boobies and maybe make out. They’ll back away when actually confronted with the box.

I got drunk at a work party and made out with my boss. Now he keeps asking me out to drinks. How do I let him down without it affecting our work relationship?
Men are extremely sensitive and easily wounded. I would just pretend you have a boyfriend so it seems like it doesn’t have anything to do with him. Also, campaign for a world of more female bosses so this situation doesn’t arise.

The guy I’m dating does this thing with his tongue when he goes down on me. I told him I liked it the first time to be nice. How do I now let him know I don’t like it?
Remain dead silent while he does it. Then moan loudly when he gets ever slightly closer to oral competence. Eventually you’ll wean him off of it.

I’m going on my third date with a guy whose birthday is this weekend. What can I plan that will be “birthday special,” but not inappropriately romantic?
Sleep with him. You shouldn’t really show your intense thoughtfulness or capacity for giving gifts so early in a relationship, but men always like sex.


Skeery Jones, 33
"Elvis Duran & The Morning Zoo," Z100 NY
myspace.com/skeeryjones

About a month ago I kissed a friend I have a crush on. He kissed back. We’ve hung out since and never talked about it. Should I assume he’s not interested?
He’s not interested. You pretty much hit this guy over the head with a green light — most guys step on the gas when they see a green light. If he stopped, that means he’s not really that into you.

It seems like every guy I used to date is now my friend on Facebook and MySpace. I don’t want to know every detail of their life every time I sign on. Is it okay to delete them?
You can’t, because people take MySpace and Facebook very personally. They equate you deleting them as online friends as deleting them from your life, so unless you want them to get that feeling, suck it up and deal with it.

I’m interested in a friend of a friend, but every time I talk to my friend about him, she makes some remark about how it wouldn’t work. Should I bypass my friend and go for it, or trust that she’s trying to stop me for a good reason?
She definitely wants him for herself, so you have to bypass her and go for it. The early bird gets the worm.

I got drunk at a work party and made out with my boss. Now he keeps asking me out to drinks. How do I let him down without it affecting our work relationship?
Leave this job as soon as possible. You’ve already opened the floodgates. He’s expecting to either bed you or date you seriously, so unless you’re interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with him, you’re doomed.

I’m a Midwest gal who wants to impress a Brooklyn guy. What should I do?
Show me that you know more about my town than us being a bunch of Mafiosos.


Maya Azucena, "between 16 and 40"
mayaazucena.com

The guy I’m dating does this thing with his tongue when he goes down on me. I told him I liked it the first time to be nice. How do I now let him know I don’t like it?
Choose a place on his body and lick him the way you like to be licked down there. Then say, “This is what I like, try this.” If he gets it right, keep giving him positive reinforcement.

I just found out that the guy I’m dating used to date a girl who I know and can’t stand. It makes me less attracted to him. Should I talk to him about it?
Look at your own history. Is there anyone you ever interacted with who he might be disgusted about? Would you want to discuss it? The past is the past.

I’m interested in a friend of a friend, but every time I talk to my friend about him, she makes some remark about how it wouldn’t work. Should I bypass my friend and go for it, or trust that she’s trying to stop me for a good reason?
This is a classic case of cock-blocking. If you truly, honestly feel a pull to this guy, you should be connecting with him directly, anyway. Your friend is not the deciding factor for whether or not to proceed, so take out the middleman.

About a month ago I kissed a friend I have a crush on. He kissed back. We’ve hung out since and never talked about it. Should I assume he’s not interested?
Don’t assume he’s not interested. It could be he’s waiting to hear from you and is afraid the kiss might have made you feel uncomfortable. If you brought it up and he was like, “no comment,” that’s a different story.

It seems like every guy I used to date is my friend on Facebook and MySpace. I don’t want to know every detail of their life every time I sign on. Is it okay to delete them?
It is okay to delete them. Why should they get special treatment if you’re no longer with them? Limit your relationships to what’s comfortable for you.

I’m a girl who can have an orgasm during intercourse, but I’ve never been able to give myself one. What can I do to get myself off?
This isn’t a physical issue if you can have an orgasm when you’re with someone — it’s some sort of psychological block. [While you’re by yourself], imagine that you’re with a person who has given you an orgasm in the past. And use some Vitamin E oil.

I’m going on my third date with a guy whose birthday is this weekend. What can I plan that will be “birthday special,” but not inappropriately romantic?
Rooftop drinks. There are some bars around town that have a view of the skyline of Manhattan. Usually they have a DJ. It’s a cool middle ground where you can get romantic if you want it to, but there’s no pressure.

I’m a Midwest guy who wants to impress a Brooklyn girl. What should I do?
If you’re a tall, strong, farm-boy type, just reveal your biceps on the first approach and get to the hello.
 

Interviews by Emily Farris. Sex Advice From… appears on Thursdays. Have questions for the general public? Send them to sexadvicefrom@nerve.com.

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