Sex Advice From The Kids in the Hall

Dave Foley and Scott Thompson discuss Canadian sex practices, invisibility cloaks, and the “Bush Administration."

Comedy troupe The Kids in the Hall

By Ray Rahman

This Friday, Kids in the Hall will be back on the air with a new eight-part mini-series on IFC. To honor the return of our five favorite Canadians, we sat them down and asked our deepest, darkest sexual questions. Dave Foley and Scott Thompson did most of the talking, with the occasional interruption.

My boyfriend is bi and wants to have a threesome with his gay friend. I'm down, but what should I do as a girl to not throw off the gay guy's mojo?
Dave Foley: Have clitoral extension surgery. If you can get your clitoris up to seven inches, that would be ideal.
Scott Thompson: And then I’d take the labial folds and wrap them around ball-bearings, so they look like testicles.
DF: If you’re not willing to make this effort, maybe you’re not really interested in this threesome.
ST: Maybe you don’t really love your boyfriend.
DF: Maybe you love your vagina more than you love your boyfriend.
ST: Sounds like it. She’s a very selfish girl.

I want to lure an all-male, five-piece comedy troupe into having group sex with me. Any tips?
DF: Show up.
ST: Be half man and half woman. For us, at least.
DF: Yes. That’s reasonable. Again, it’s all about making an effort.

The Kids in the Hall
 

I’m dating someone from Canada, a land I know nothing about. Are there any nation-specific sexual behaviors I should be aware of?
DF: Of course, we’re a socialist people, so most sex in Canada is communal.
ST: And paid for by the government. And what else are we famous for? Making love in a canoe. And apparently Canadians like anal sex a lot.
DF: I just thought that was teenage girls who are really into anal right now? Because of the Bush Administration. You know, abstinence-only sex education. For eight years.
ST: Oh, I thought that the Bush Administration was just your term for the vagina. “May I touch your Bush Administration?”
DF: No, there’s an entire generation that’s only having anal sex now. All these girls think that it keeps them a virgin.
ST: That’s crazy! That never happened in our day.
DF: Never. You wouldn't even ask your wife of ten years. And even then, she would divorce you.
ST: So young kids are having more anal sex than gay guys? Because I know a lot of gay guys that won’t. I wish I was a teenage girl! I had only heard about the blowjob culture, how blowjobs are just a “kiss” now, since the Clinton Administration at least.
DF: Oh yeah, and everyone can deep throat now.
ST: What? So then what’s the point of being gay? They’ve taken away our purpose! I mean, that’s the only reason that straight men let us blow them, because we could deep throat. Now every girl can do that? I’ve become redundant! Teenage girls are making gay men irrelevant. Gay marriage and teenage girls are making gay men irrelevant. What do you think the Obama Administration will give rise to? Felching?
DF: Elegance. Putting on a nice suit. Treating a lady with respect.
ST: And slow dancing.
DF: “May I say that you look beautiful tonight, my darling?” That’s the new fad in sexual behavior.
ST: I’m still reeling from the anal sex thing. I don’t even understand the world we’re living in anymore.
DF: I remember when I was single before my last marriage, I’d met one girl who could deep throat. Now, it’s like every woman I’ve slept with in the last few years.

I want my boyfriend to go down on me, but he refuses to. Is there a middle ground that can be reached here?
ST: I’d say stop dating black men. [Laughter, confusion.] You’ve never heard that? Black men don’t go down? Maybe it’s just Jamaican men. That’s been my experience, at least.
DF: I’d never heard that. I knew Italians didn’t. I saw it on The Sopranos.
ST: Only date really pale Anglo-Saxon men like us, because we go down on anything.
DF: Oh, do we go down. We go down like the stock market, my friend. I’ve been told by some bisexual girls that I'm better than a lesbian. I’m good, I’m really good... ladies. Perhaps you should put my number in this article, so that the ladies can get a hold of me.

Commentarium (38 Comments)

Aug 18 10 - 12:16am
bearman33

These dudes are twisted and I like it.

Aug 18 10 - 12:45am
jd

So excited they are going to be back on. I always thought Dave Foley was gay...

Aug 18 10 - 8:55am
Sudsy

A clitorial extension to seven inches. These guys are as funny as ever it seems, psyched for the show.

Aug 18 10 - 10:52am
woop

This seriously killed me.

Aug 18 10 - 11:16am
andrea

"DF: But Kevin and I, we’ll do a lot of things. It’s fine, because we can still remain virgins".

Loved it.

Aug 18 10 - 11:28am
bearman33

Did anyone else ever think Baseball Tonight's Karl Ravech resembled Kevin McDonald sans the curly hair?

Aug 18 10 - 2:41pm
es

Can I have Dave Foley's phone number? So hilarious.

Aug 18 10 - 6:05pm
:)

This is awesome.

Aug 18 10 - 8:17pm
Duchess

My gosh I love Scott Thompson. So unfortunate he's gay.

Aug 18 10 - 8:18pm
Duchess

well unfortunate for me anyway.

Aug 19 10 - 12:55am
Karen Hoaglin

I am a Canadian, and I've seen Kids in the Hall live..they are the most incredible comedy troupe I have ever seen with the exception of In Living Color. But the Kids in the Hall are tops!! Way to go guys!! Love ya all. and especially the chicken lady!! woo hooo...

Aug 19 10 - 1:34am
gwennie

I love these guys!! The best comedy on tv evar as far as I'm concerned. These guys broke the mold. So glad they are back on tv!!!

Aug 19 10 - 2:48am
NRF

I love Dave Foley. If there's one man I would go on a date with and withhold sex from, it would be Dave Foley.

Aug 19 10 - 9:24am
Katrina

Should have asked about Zoro!

Aug 19 10 - 9:25am
CDN

the new KitH 'Death Comes to Town' already aired in Canada, so just a warning: 1. it's nothing like their last show, & 2. the first two episodes are hard to get into, but give it time because the series is hilarious!

Aug 19 10 - 10:33am
Mateus!

Oh my got Bruce Maculoch is so chubby now! But overall they´re all looking great!

Anyway, they got the right idea: they gave up when they were ahead, and got back now, years latter, with more material.

Aug 19 10 - 10:52am
Mjade

LOL- Kevin walks in the room... Kevin walks out of the room... haha

Aug 19 10 - 10:53am
Mjade

P.S.- I too would like Dave Foley's phone number =D

Aug 19 10 - 10:54am
blueberry

i am obsessed with KITH. i heart Brain Candy!

Aug 20 10 - 12:12am
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Aug 20 10 - 1:20am
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The only best original thing that's shown up here in YEARS.

Aug 20 10 - 9:57am
Ray Rahman

Don't you dare tease me, anonymous Jewish girl. I've been through this 68 times before.

Aug 20 10 - 7:57pm
tillah

the average clitoris is already 7 inches long internally, and if mr. foley would like an anatomy lesson i would be more than happy to provide.

Aug 22 10 - 3:35am
Stephanie

Best Kids in the Hall interview I've ever read. One small problem, though: I believe you were supposed to include Foley's telephone number? Please amend this issue.

Aug 24 10 - 4:11am
Ann

TEENAGED GIRLS ARE MAKING US ALL REDUNDANT.

Aug 24 10 - 2:52pm
Laura

Amazing! I always knew Mark was an underrated erogenous zone... ;)

Sep 29 10 - 9:59pm
ana.banana

Loved it :) Please include Dave's number next time :P

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