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Sex Advice From The Kids in the Hall

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Dave Foley and Scott Thompson discuss Canadian sex practices, invisibility cloaks, and the “Bush Administration."

Comedy troupe The Kids in the Hall

This Friday, Kids in the Hall will be back on the air with a new eight-part mini-series on IFC. To honor the return of our five favorite Canadians, we sat them down and asked our deepest, darkest sexual questions. Dave Foley and Scott Thompson did most of the talking, with the occasional interruption.

My boyfriend is bi and wants to have a threesome with his gay friend. I'm down, but what should I do as a girl to not throw off the gay guy's mojo?
Dave Foley: Have clitoral extension surgery. If you can get your clitoris up to seven inches, that would be ideal.
Scott Thompson: And then I’d take the labial folds and wrap them around ball-bearings, so they look like testicles.
DF: If you’re not willing to make this effort, maybe you’re not really interested in this threesome.
ST: Maybe you don’t really love your boyfriend.
DF: Maybe you love your vagina more than you love your boyfriend.
ST: Sounds like it. She’s a very selfish girl.

I want to lure an all-male, five-piece comedy troupe into having group sex with me. Any tips?
DF: Show up.
ST: Be half man and half woman. For us, at least.
DF: Yes. That’s reasonable. Again, it’s all about making an effort.

The Kids in the Hall
 

I’m dating someone from Canada, a land I know nothing about. Are there any nation-specific sexual behaviors I should be aware of?
DF: Of course, we’re a socialist people, so most sex in Canada is communal.
ST: And paid for by the government. And what else are we famous for? Making love in a canoe. And apparently Canadians like anal sex a lot.
DF: I just thought that was teenage girls who are really into anal right now? Because of the Bush Administration. You know, abstinence-only sex education. For eight years.
ST: Oh, I thought that the Bush Administration was just your term for the vagina. “May I touch your Bush Administration?”
DF: No, there’s an entire generation that’s only having anal sex now. All these girls think that it keeps them a virgin.
ST: That’s crazy! That never happened in our day.
DF: Never. You wouldn't even ask your wife of ten years. And even then, she would divorce you.
ST: So young kids are having more anal sex than gay guys? Because I know a lot of gay guys that won’t. I wish I was a teenage girl! I had only heard about the blowjob culture, how blowjobs are just a “kiss” now, since the Clinton Administration at least.
DF: Oh yeah, and everyone can deep throat now.
ST: What? So then what’s the point of being gay? They’ve taken away our purpose! I mean, that’s the only reason that straight men let us blow them, because we could deep throat. Now every girl can do that? I’ve become redundant! Teenage girls are making gay men irrelevant. Gay marriage and teenage girls are making gay men irrelevant. What do you think the Obama Administration will give rise to? Felching?
DF: Elegance. Putting on a nice suit. Treating a lady with respect.
ST: And slow dancing.
DF: “May I say that you look beautiful tonight, my darling?” That’s the new fad in sexual behavior.
ST: I’m still reeling from the anal sex thing. I don’t even understand the world we’re living in anymore.
DF: I remember when I was single before my last marriage, I’d met one girl who could deep throat. Now, it’s like every woman I’ve slept with in the last few years.

I want my boyfriend to go down on me, but he refuses to. Is there a middle ground that can be reached here?
ST: I’d say stop dating black men. [Laughter, confusion.] You’ve never heard that? Black men don’t go down? Maybe it’s just Jamaican men. That’s been my experience, at least.
DF: I’d never heard that. I knew Italians didn’t. I saw it on The Sopranos.
ST: Only date really pale Anglo-Saxon men like us, because we go down on anything.
DF: Oh, do we go down. We go down like the stock market, my friend. I’ve been told by some bisexual girls that I'm better than a lesbian. I’m good, I’m really good… ladies. Perhaps you should put my number in this article, so that the ladies can get a hold of me.

I've always fantasized about having sex with a man in uniform. What can I say to my normal, sexually vanilla boyfriend to convince him to dress up like a bellhop during sex?
DF: Tell him there’s going to be tipping involved.
ST: Do it from a hotel room and actually request a toothbrush. Have him bring it up to your room, where he can brush your potty mouth.

What are some good pick-up lines that a guy can use without getting laughed at? 
DF: I don’t think there are any. I think their best bet is to be really attractive. The only way to not be laughed at by women is to be really attractive.
ST: Have a really big lap. That might help. Or wait, did you say lap dances or laughed at?
DF: Why would a man want a really good pick-up line to not get lap dances?

What's the most overrated erogenous zone? And underrated?
DF: Overrated? The brain. Come on, ladies, pay attention to the cock. And underrated…
[Fellow member Mark McKinney walks in.]
ST: Speaking of! Mark is the most underrated erogenous zone.
Mark McKinney: Entirely. Stem to stern.
DF: “Stem to stern”? I couldn’t think of a more ridiculous phrase.

The Kids in the Hall
 

I went on a first date with a great guy, but then he disappeared. Now, three months later, he’s calling me, asking for a second date. What should I do?
DF: Ask him how bad all those dates in between were, since you got back on the roster.
ST: Tell him, “The next time you’re on a date, don’t wear your invisibility cloak.”
DF: “Your emotional invisibility cloak.”
ST: Which they’re actually on the verge of making.
DF: An emotional invisibility cloak? The British have had those for centuries. No but really, the British have been working on an actual invisibility cloak, inspired by Harry Potter. They’re using meta-materials. It’s this… nano… it manages to bend visible light around an object.
ST: That means a lot of ugly guys will have sex with really pretty girls now. They’ll be able to bend light. You won’t be able to see what they look like!
DF: Once the Romulans had the technology, it was just a matter of time until we got it.

I’m in a comedy group and I’ve become increasingly attracted to a fellow member. What’s the best way to pull off an intra-troupe romance?
DF: Did you say “a fellow member” or “a fellow’s member”?
ST: That was an NPR joke. But to answer your question, just be in Fleetwood Mac. But seriously, I don’t recommend it. You should never sleep with a fellow troupe member. We never have, and we're still together.
[Fellow member Kevin McDonald walks into room.]
DF: But Kevin and I, we’ll do a lot of things. It’s fine, because we can still remain virgins.
[Kevin walks out of room.]

You guys have played a wide variety of female characters, some sexier than others. Which is the sexiest?
DF: Me.
ST: Yes, well, Dave, as the French-Canadian prostitute Jocelyn. Don't you think?
RR: I always liked Chicken Lady. I have a thing for women with kind of prominent noses.
DF: Do you ever find yourself jerking off to Phyllis Diller? 
KM: There's a new production of Cyrano de Bergerac in town you could masturbate in.
ST: Do you have big nose sites you like? Would you call it a nose fetish?
RR: I wouldn't say fetish. I just have a thing for Jewish women with strong noses and big glasses, just like how some people are into blondes with blue eyes.
DF: Some people like a giant, hooked nose shoved up their ass. 
ST: Is that what you're getting at, Ray?
DF: Anal nose sex?
ST: Shylock, stick it in me!
RR: If you prick me, do I not bleed?
ST: You're bleeding, Ray. Bleeding from the ass!
DF: Nasal anal. 
ST: Do you mind if we use this for a sketch? We will anyway.