Sex Advice From The Mermaid Parade

Interviews with half-naked revelers at Coney Island’s strangest summer festival.

By Jason Gilbert and Carly Pifer

J, 30

What do you do when not a mermaid?
I am never not a mermaid.

Right. So, hypothetically, if you were a human...
I’d work in a theater. But in spirit, I’d always be a mermaid. 

Best way to hit on a mermaid?
Compliment the color and size of her fin. Focus on the fin, as opposed to her chest. It's kinder.

If the mermaid were a sex position, what would it look like?
Well, nothing standing, because that doesn’t really work with the fin. Mermaids' arms are pretty strong, so probably something sort of in a push-up position.

You aren't wearing pasties.
I am mildly more conservative than the girls wearing pasties.

Is it okay to fake an orgasm?
Yes. Because sometimes you want to go home.

I was raised to believe that guys hit on girls, and girls hang out at bars and look pretty, waiting to get hit on. Here’s the trouble: I’m getting sick of waiting. What can I do to hit on a guy without scaring him off?
Find out what he’s drinking, and then stand beside him, and order the same drink. Or buy him a drink. I’ve heard that’s a good way to hit on someone [laughs].  

How do you keep longer relationships interesting?
Doing your own research is helpful. Don't just pick up Cosmo; the internet contains a wealth of knowledge. 

What's your favorite thing that you do to spice up a relationship?
Interesting toys. Don't be afraid of going to a shop and picking up something new. Guys seem to enjoy that. You know, "Look what I've got!"

My girlfriend refuses to have sex with the lights on, but it really turns me on to see her. How can I get her to loosen up?
Start with low lighting at first, or candles. That sets the mood. Or work on actual mood lighting; you can turn the lamp at a wall, so that it's not an interrogation light but softer. 

Any tips from a mermaid for sex in the shower?
That is absolutly okay, any time.

How do you avoid falling down?
They make those really great bars that old people install. Go to grandma's house. Having a good brace on the wall is good; you can't do it in one of those soft stall showers, or those little tiny stand-in showers. Do some yoga, stretch a little. You have to contort in a small space.

What about sex on the beach?
Too much sand. Too much chafing.

Have you ever done it?
I have not. Because I don't want to get a rug burn from the sand. [J's friend: You've never done it?? Are you from a landlocked state?] No, I'm from Jersey! It's just not for me.