Aaron, 34

What's the best way to pick up a mermaid?
With your hands.

Okay. But what if you actually wanted to, you know, "pick her up?"
Oh, like that? By wearing a Speedo, so long as it's not too tight. Oh, and with rhinestone nipples.

Mermaids love rhinestone nipples?
Yeah, especially if you need help reapplying. Mermaids love doing that.

If you're hooking up with a mermaid, do you keep your costume on or take it off?
Both. You start with it on, and then gradually it all comes off. 

If the mermaid were a sex position, how would it work?
You know, I always wondered that. There’s that Shel Silverstein song where he's with the mermaid, and he meets her sister, who has the head of the fish and the legs of a woman and he wants her instead — for obvious, biological reasons. If you have a human lower-half, you can do any position. But with a tail for a bottom? It's pretty difficult. Probably in a net or some kind of harpoon entrapment.

Okay. We meant that a little more figuratively, but that was great. Is it ever okay to fake an orgasm?
Sure. As long as everyone is happy, it's fine.

Do you think the girl is happy if she fakes an orgasm?
Well, no.

So, it’s only okay for men?
No. I take that back. I don't think anyone should fake an orgasm. You should keep working 'til you get it right.

I was raised to believe that guys hit on girls, and girls hang out at bars and look pretty, waiting to get hit on. Here’s the trouble: I’m getting sick of waiting. How can a girl hit on a guy without scaring him off? 
It’s never scared me off! I think guys have to learn to share the pants a little bit, you know? If the girl wants to take charge and says, "Hey, I like you, I want to hit on you," then guys shouldn't be afraid of that.

Do you get hit on by girls at bars a lot?
Not as much as I'd like to. So, my real advice to women would be: do it more.

My boyfriend refuses to have sex with the lights on, but I want to see his hot body. What can I do to make him more comfortable?
Maybe flashlights or glow sticks. Or candles! Set the mood a little bit.

Wait, flashlights? Have you ever had flashlight sex?
No. Glow-stick sex, yes. Do you think they make clear dildos that have neon lights inside?