Advice

Sex Advice From . . . Tour Guides

Pin it
 REGULARS


promotion

Kenny, 39
Kenny is the real-life inspiration for Seinfeld‘s Kramer. His “Reality Tour” allows guests to see New York through the lens of the show. You can visit his website at www.kennykramer.com.

Where is one sure-fire place you can go in any city and find sex?
In the red-light district. Every city has one, even if it’s not obvious. Or on a tour bus.

If you’re single, how do you pick up someone sitting next to you on the plane?

Touch them a little. Grab their thigh.

What sexual traits/characteristic could you surmise from the following:
– A male tourist who wears a fanny pack?

Actually, I wear a fanny pack; it’s a place to stash my condoms.

– A female tourist who carries around a GPS system?
Obviously somebody who wants to know where she is at all times and where she’s going, whether she’s on a tour or in the bedroom.

– A woman who pulls out a huge map on the subway?
Obviously wants attention. She wants to make a connection.

Is pretending to be lost a good way to pick up a local?
I guess it could work, but it’s not very creative. You really should come up with something better.

I’m a girl with a boyfriend, and I want a girl-guy-guy threesome. How should we find our third? Is it better to have someone you don’t know, or a friend?
Well, it helps to have somebody really hot and attractive, whether a stranger or a friend. You know about this stuff?

Hey, I’m asking the questions here.
Well, I actually have a girlfriend coming into town and I’m kind of interested in that, so I’m, you know, inquiring. It has to be very anonymous, of course.

What’s the best method of fingering someone?
Skip that altogether and use your tongue.

Norman, 43
Norman offers "eclectic, energetic" walking tours of Brooklyn. Visit his website at www.nylikeanative.com.

Where is one sure-fire place you can go in any city and find sex?
The back of the alt-weekly newspaper. Of course it’s probably part of an international sex slavery thing.

If you’re single, how do you pick up someone sitting next to you on the plane?
On a short flight, begin with gentle queries. On a long flight, establish your helpfulness in passing things to the flight attendant and getting up so the other person can go to the bathroom. Or so they taught us in Tour Guide School. Then again, on my most recent flights I’ve sat next to aromatic old men who didn’t speak English.

If you’re traveling on a plane or bus with a honey, what’s the best way to make out with him or her without getting caught?
Begin all travel after midnight.

What sexual traits/characteristic could you surmise from the following:

-A female tourist who carries around a GPS system?
A bit of a take-charge type, though that could invert in the sexual realm.

-A male tourist who wears sweatpants in restaurants?

May prefer beer to sex.

-A woman who pulls out a huge map on the subway?
Not good at sneaking around.

What are some additional things to do when you’re going down on a girl, besides clitoral stimulation?
As an ex reminded me more than once (sigh), a woman’s whole body is an erogenous zone, so treat it as such.

Is pretending to be lost a good way to pick up a local?

I’m not sure. I’m more impressed by someone who at least has a goal in mind (like they want to go to a good restaurant), but wants a local to give them the real scoop.

What happens on vacation stays on vacation: agree or disagree?
If it was accomplished while crossing the international date line, it never actually happened.

What’s the best method of fingering someone?

I would recommend good fingernail hygiene.

How do you get a tour guide to go home with you?

Say that you’ve enjoyed the tour and, instead of tipping, offer to buy the guide a drink. Couldn’t hurt to have chocolate and candles in reserve.

Penny, 29
Penny is a tour guide with Bill Spiedel’s Underground Tour of Seattle’s Pioneer Square. Visit her website at www.undergroundtour.com.

Where is one surefire place you can go in any city and find sex?
Sex may always be found in alleys.

If you’re single, how do you pick up someone sitting next to you on the plane?

For women this is easy, just act a little afraid. Suddenly grab your neighbor’s knee during take off. Then smile a little, apologize. From here you should be able to strike up a conversation. When turbulence hits get nervous, grab their hand. Just before you land, thank them for the help, “It was my first flight, you were wonderful. Could I repay you with a drink at my hotel bar?” That should do it.

If you’re traveling with a honey on a plane or bus, what’s the best way to make out with him or her without getting caught?
When on a plane or bus, I’d say get the armrest out of the way, if possible. Then cover yourselves with a blanket or coat. Now get close as you can. Rest your head on your lover’s shoulder. From here you can tease away the miles while others assume you are both fast asleep.

Which chain restaurant is sexier: Applebee’s or T.G.I. Friday’s?
T.G.I. Friday’s.

If you could have sex at any tourist site in the world, where would it be?
Angkor Wat. A lost city in a steamy jungle is just sexy. Me Jane, you Tarzan!

What preparations do you need to make for great anal sex?
Time, tenderness, Tanqueray. Don’t forget your lubrication.

What are some additional things to do when you’re going down on a girl besides clitoral stimulation?

While pleasuring your lady orally, remember you were born with many tools, use as many as you can. The ones that buzz are especially fun.

I’m a girl with a boyfriend, and I want a girl-guy-guy threesome. How should we find our third? Is it better to have someone you don’t know, or a friend?
This is a tough one. Trust is the issue here. You and your man have to trust each other and the “new guy,” therefore, you have to know him to some extent. On the other hand, I wouldn’t advise a close friend to either of you. This could lead to jealousy, suspicion, or the end of the friendship.

If you had an itinerary for sex, what would be the first three items on it?
Slow deep kisses, curious hands, and three hours of free time.

What happens on vacation stays on vacation: agree or disagree?
Agree, unless it’s good enough to bring home.

Mike, 32
Mike gives small private tours of Seattle and surrounding areas. Aside from main attractions he shows you Seattle’s dream homes, Star Maps-style, in a town where Bill Gates is hotter than Brad Pitt. Book at BiBijan20@aol.com.

Where is one surefire place you can go in any city and find sex?
Strip clubs. You know what you’re going to get.

If you’re traveling on a plane or bus with a honey, what’s the best way to make out with him or her without getting caught?

Go to the bathroom when it’s not very crowded. Not right after takeoff, though. Overnight and longer flights are best. Go during the movie or when dinner has just been served, while people are still eating. Find a time that’s not very crowded to not get caught. But it’s just so small in there, I don’t know how people do it. It doesn’t seem very comfortable. It would be a better thing to get your blanket and cover yourself while you’re still in your seat.

What are some of the perks of hotel sex?
Whenever men go on vacation or are out of town, we have more desire. Maybe it’s about being more relaxed. We have more appetite for it. You should meet someone incognito, in the lobby or restaurant.

If you could have sex at any tourist site in the world, where would it be and why?
Of all the places I’ve been I would say Prague because the buildings, the romance, the food. There are some sites that used to be old castles. You can find a lot of corners that you can slip into unnoticed.

What sexual traits/characteristic could you surmise from the following:
-A male tourist who wears a fanny pack?

Kind of boring, not original. I used to wear one a long time ago, but not anymore.

-A female tourist who carries around a GPS system?

She lacks intelligence. She doesn’t like to take risks. Don’t even try with her.

-A male tourist who wears sweatpants in restaurants?
He has no class and doesn’t know what is appropriate. If you see this in Europe, you know it’s an American. With a fanny pack.

What preparations do you need to make for great anal sex?

Take a shower, get really clean.

Is pretending to be lost a good way to pick up a local?
No, because I think they would know you were up to something. One girl asked me where the Space Needle was, and you can see it from everywhere in Seattle. I say do something more honest. There are other ways to get into a conversation without making something up. Paying a compliment is best; everybody likes that.  


Sex Advice From… appears on Thursdays. Do you have questions for the general public? Send them to sexadvicefrom@nerve.com.

Previous Sex Advice

 


©2004 Nerve.com, Inc.