Sex Advice From . . . Tribute Bands

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Slippery When Wet
Mike, 36 (above right)

What’s the best song that you cover to have sex to?
"I’ll Be There for You." It’s basically a romantic song. It always works.

I want to role-play in bed. Would a rock-star scenario be good?
Based on fan reaction, I would think so.

What does every man and woman want in bed?
I would have to say oral sex.

In your experience what’s the most common mistake men or women make in bed?
Probably lack of oral sex.

I’m obsessed with someone who shot me down. I’m convinced we’re perfect for each other. How can I tell if someone is truly uninterested, or just playing hard to get?
When the guy doesn’t call you back, when he tries to avoid you and won’t be seen with you in public, he’s really not interested.

If someone wanted to pick up a member of your band, what would be your specific advice to them?
Look hot, and don’t be too aggressive.

How can someone be assertive but not aggressive?
Subtle hints, a little bit of allure without actual touching.

And that’s sexier?
I would say that’s sexier. Too aggressive — ack! — you know? Girls think that if a guy grabs a girl’s ass it’s bad, but if it’s the other way around, if a girl grabs a guy’s ass, it’s okay. I’ve had girls grab me and I’ve been like, “Whoa, why is it okay just to reach up and grab me?”

Joe, 45 – guitar
Ray, 28 –

What’s the best song that you cover to have sex to?
Ray: “All I Want is You.”

That’s very tender.
Joe: “Where the Streets Have No Name.” I like it a lot faster and harder.

Do you have sex to your version of the song, or their version?
Joe: Well, their version is ours. We do exact versions of U2 songs. If I could borrow Bono’s penis, I would.

How much time should lapse before calling someone you hooked up with whom you’re interested in seeing again?
Ray: Three days.
Joe: The three-day rule always applies. You don’t want to look too anxious. Actually, it all depends on how you hooked up the first time. If you immediately had relations, then you could call her like the next hour. If you’re waiting and you want more of semi-serious type of thing, then the three-day rule applies.

So you wait longer if you actually like her?
Joe: Yeah, go figure.

I’m obsessed with someone who shot me down. I’m convinced we’re perfect for each other. How can I tell if someone is truly uninterested or if they’re playing hard to get?
Joe: I’d say ask her to go on a cruise with you.

That’s an expensive way to find out.
Joe: Ask them to go on a cruise, and if they suddenly say yes, then you’ll know they are truly not interested.

Because they’d only be going for the cruise.
Joe: Right. So, have you ever been on a cruise?

No. What are some tips for a one-night stand that will leave both parties feeling good about things?
Joe: The first thing is a damn good, expensive breakfast. The second thing is perhaps a room in the Park Meridian, instead of the Comack Motor Inn.

My significant other and I agreed to be honest about everything. Should I tell her about my wild sexual past?
Ray: No. Leave it in the past.
Joe: Absolutely tell. Some girls like hearing about your past.
Ray: And a lot of them don’t.
Joe: Well, put it this way: the girl I would want in the present would want to hear about it.

Eruption (Van Halen tribute band)
a.k.a. "Diamond Dave"

What’s the best song that you cover to have sex to?
“Mean Street,” off the Fair Warning album.

Do your groupies ask you to stay in character?
I can only speak for myself, but yeah. It’s funny. They love getting it on with their favorite band.

What’s the most common online dating mistake and how can you avoid it?
Don’t depend on a picture.

My significant other and I have made a promise to be completely honest with each other. Should I tell her about my wild sexual past?
Yes, it’ll give her something to shoot for.

I’m obsessed with someone who shot me down. I think we’re perfect for each other. How can I tell if someone’s truly uninterested or just playing hard to get?
Do what I call a “purse check.” You get out of the car, and she’s holding her purse in one hand. Grab her hand and see what happens. If she moves that purse over to the other hand, she’s interested. If she doesn’t, let her go.

Period sex: yes? No? Methodology?
If it’s with my significant other, definitely. If it’s with anyone else, no. You don’t need to do it that bad.

How can someone get a person in a tribute band to go home with them?
You’ve got to be one of the flashers.

Lez Zeppelin
(clockwise from top)
Brooke –

Lisa – bass, mandolin and keyboards
Steph –
electric and acoustic guitar and theremin
Wendy –

What’s the best song that you cover to have sex to?
Steph: “Black Dog,” without a doubt. The last time we played “Black Dog,” it was actually at a sex party. Women jumped on tables, tore their clothes off slowly and then poured beer on themselves. The song has that effect.

What characteristics do you attribute to fans who lust after lead singers?
Wendy: Mullets, mullets and Bud Light.
Steph: Rat tails.
Brooke: Tapered jeans, high-top sneakers.
Steph: And generally most straight girls.

Do groupies ask you to stay in character?
Steph: A lot them think that even though we’re girls, we’re really them. My theory is this: all of those fourteen-year-old boys who loved Led Zeppelin and really wanted to screw Led Zeppelin, can now do that openly.

My ex used to do something in bed that my current hasn’t mastered. How can I bring this up? If I say, “I like this,” she’ll want to know how I was introduced to it.
Lisa: Say, “I saw this in a movie.”

Craigslist: hook-up nirvana or myth?
Brooke: Myth. Send them to Nerve.
Steph: Craigslist is good for finding someone to move your gear, though.

What are some tips for having one-night stands that leave both parties feeling good about things?
Brooke: Always call and say,”I had a really good time.” Tell him it’s the biggest you’ve ever had. That’ll always make him happy.
Steph: That’s a good one: "I don’t like you, but you’re the biggest I’ve ever had." He’ll feel perfectly fine about that.

I’m a woman whose boyfriend is bi. I believe in monogamy, and threesomes are out of the question. Is the relationship doomed?
[Collectively]: Yes.

How can you tell someone their junk tastes like junk?
Brooke: Ask them if they’ve been eating asparagus.

What’s the best way to give a woman head?
Brooke: The best way to get it is to wear a mini-skirt. Tips? “The Shocker.”
Steph: It’s a certain hand configuration.
Brooke: The shocker is really key. [Holds hands in three-prong-plug style] The Shocker!

How do I get my partner to talk more in bed?
Brooke: Ask him hot questions. And spank him until he answers.

How can a person get a member of tribute band to go home with them?
Lisa: Help us take the gear back. Help Wendy carry her drums, she’s a cheap date.
Steph: Promise them some bootlegs that have never been seen.

Interviews by Kate Sullivan.

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