Sex Advice From Turkey Farmers

Q: What can turkeys teach humans about pleasuring their partners? A: Absolutely nothing.

By Kristin Gangwer

Susan, 38

www.farmgirlfare.com

We're going to be visiting my boyfriend's conservative parents over the holidays. What ground rules should we set regarding intimacy in their house?
Watch your language, and keep the cutesy talk to a minimum. When you're sitting around the table, instead of blurting out what's on your mind — like what you'd really like to be doing to the other person right then — come up with a private code phrase you can whisper to each other. I'd suggest "Gobble, gobble."

What can turkeys teach humans about pleasuring their partners?
Absolutely nothing. With barnyard birds it's business, not pleasure. If you're that desperate for help, I would suggest investing in a few how-to videos (starring people of course).

Can I start up a romantic relationship with my roommate if we're both attracted to each other, or is that just trouble?
Take the extra rent money you'd save if you moved into a one-bedroom together and spend it on a romantic getaway. See how things are between you when you're away from your normal living situation. If the vacation doesn't work out, then you can decide who has to fly the coop.

What's a bit of conventional wisdom about sex that's dead wrong?
That what's good to do in bed is even better when you do it out of bed. Wrong. The whole "roll in the hay" thing is highly overrated and painfully uncomfortable.

Tom Turkeys puff up their bodies and spread their tail feathers to attract females, but the real deciding factor in the female's mind is the length of the male turkey's snood. With that in mind, is a guy with a lot of swagger inevitably going to disappoint when it comes to sex?
It all comes down to performance in the bedroom, not some goofy moves in the farmyard or on the dance floor. It's not the size of the snood, it's the song it sings.