Advice

Sex Advice From TV Comedy Writers

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"Never say 'tell me a joke' to a comedy writer."


Rob LeDonne

https://twitter.com/#!/robledonne
Freelance writer for Saturday Night Live, former freelance writer for Late Night With Jimmy Fallon

What makes comedy writers good in bed?
Is that question meant to be ironic? Comedy writers are obviously not good in bed. Comedy writers are embarrassed about their bodies. They're embarrassed about showing affection. Their self-esteem is low. So comedy writers would be terrible bedmates. Except me, obviously.

Does being a comedy writer ever get you laid?
No. No way. At least not for me. But I'm sure Bruce Vilanch fucks everyone.

What's the best way to ask out a comedy writer?
Compliment them. Pay attention to them. If someone just said "everything is going to be okay" to a comedy writer, that would be a huge turn-on. Show any sign of interest. I can tell you what not to say: never say "tell me a joke" to a comedy writer. If you want them to hate you, say "tell me a joke." That's the most annoying thing in the entire world. 

Are there any dating experiences that have made in into your comedy writing?
Since I write about current events, no. Last time I checked, I haven't slept with Snooki or Kim Kardashian. But that could all change after this piece is published.

That's what you call "current events?" I thought you were going to say, "Last time I checked, I haven't slept with Mitt Romney." 
Okay, okay, pop culture and current events.

What themes do you avoid in your comedy, if any?
Things that people can't help. Like if someone has a disease, don't make fun of that. I'm sure with some people, anything goes. But that's my rule. However, if you're making a conscious effort to be in asshole like Mark Wahlberg with his shit, then yeah, he should be made fun of. Did you hear his quote about 9/11? It was pretty rough.

So besides the shows that you write for, what TV comedy shows are you into right now?
Parks and Recreation really hit its stride. Ever since it started, it's gotten exponentially stronger as a show. I don't really watch television, to be honest. I watch the news and the weather, but I don't really sit down and watch, like, Whitney.

What would happen if you ended up dating someone who was funnier than you?
I think that would be a great thing. I feel like I could only date someone who has a sense of humor. Being a comedian and dating someone who is extremely serious would be torturous for both people. Someone who has a sense of humor and goes with the flow is so much better than someone who finds no humor in anything and is cold-hearted.

Have you ever used your comedy routines to pick up women?
I mean, sure, you try to be funny around them. But, no, not really. I'm not really going to the bar down the street and telling jokes about Paula Deen's diabetes or whatever to impress anyone. "Hi, my name is Rob. Have you heard about Paula Deen?"

I keep attracting women who are way too sexually experienced and adventurous for my taste. What should I do to…not do that anymore?
Geez. Wherever he's picking up these women, he should go somewhere else. I feel like if he's attracting sexually adventurous women, where's he going to find these women? Is he hanging out outside Port Authority? Is he going to super trashy bars? Maybe if he went to, I don't know, a Downton Abbey viewing party, he'd find someone more prim and proper.

My friend's husband always seems to be flirting with me when she's not around. I would never hook up with him of course, but what's the best way to warn my friend that her partner is being shady? 
Create a fake Facebook account with a totally fake name. Message your friend and say, "Listen, your husband is messing around. You need to take a look at this." Don't get personally involved. You don't want to get hurt. Oh, you can attribute that quote to Dr. Phil. I should've used one of his metaphors that doesn't make any sense.

The girl I'm dating doesn't go down on me as much as I go down on her. I don't want to give her a blowjob ultimatum, so how do we make it work? 
Maybe there's a reason she isn't blowing you. Maybe check your hygiene. Maybe check what you do while she's blowing you. Are you making weird sounds that freak her out, and she's embarrassed to tell you? Do you smack her in the head while she's doing it? There's probably a reason why she's not going down on you. When someone Googles me, hopefully that will be the first result: "Did you mean: Rob LeDonne blowjob advice?"

I'm having problems getting the girl I'm dating to loosen up in bed. Beer works, kind of, but we've been seeing each other for four months and have only had sex twice. What should I do?
Then I'd say, "I hope you're interested in an open relationship, because I don't know if this can work out." Does she have intimacy issues? She should go talk to someone. I'm going to have to talk to a sex therapist myself after this interview.


Morgan Murphy

https://twitter.com/#!/morgan_murphy
Writer for 2 Broke Girls, former writer for Late Night With Jimmy Fallon

What makes comedy writers good in bed?
Most of them probably aren't. It's not the sexiest job in the world. But there's bound to be a surprise or two that you wouldn't get with someone who's entirely balanced. Basically, I've just said that comedy writers are serial killers.

What's it like writing for 2 Broke Girls?
It's really fun. I think the highlight for me is the pressure of writing on the floor. 2 Broke Girls is taped in front of a live audience. If something doesn't work, you have a limited amount of time to fix it. That's the best part of the job and the most exciting part. The comedy trenches, I guess. People would be surprised to see how much work goes into making twenty-two minutes of television. It can feel very exciting and occasionally very stressful. 

What situations would you like to see on the show that the network would probably never allow?
To be totally honest, we get away with more than I thought we'd be able to. CBS has actually been really great about letting us get away with material. It keeps things from being too bubblegum or boring. It's really cute when people seem to love the show but are almost shy about it. They feel like they're getting away with something dirty watching it. If people are noticing it more, some part of it could also be that it's girls saying these things, not Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men.

Have any of your personal dating experiences made it into your writing for the show?
I think so. Any story that is relationship-based at all, it's some amalgamation of my experiences, all the other writers' experiences, and some other shit that we just made up. I can't think of a specific from the show, but we'll have a lot of debates in the room where someone will say, "Well, would Max or Caroline do this?" And inevitably, a writer will say, "Well, I did it!" The really fun thing about writing for Max is that she will make jokes about sexual experiences, and they're clearly not true. That's kind of how I operate. I don't think I'm a tremendously sexual person. I'm not out getting laid all the time. But I do think it's a very funny thing to talk about.

To brag about your sexual prowess?
Yeah, I think it's kind of ridiculous in a weird way. I don't know why I find it funny to, like, be out with my friends and say, "I'm going to get so much cock tonight!" I'm probably not going to get any cock, and it's a ridiculous thing to say. Honestly, if it only happened to one person in the room, it doesn't necessarily get into the script. At least somebody else in the room has to relate to it. You don't want to be the one person in the room who says, "Well, doesn't everyone sleep with eight guys in a day?"

I keep attracting women who are way too sexually experienced and adventurous for my taste. What should I do to…not do that anymore?
I hate when people say "I keep attracting…" It means that you keep being attracted to that kind of person. So, clearly, he's going after something that he wants. Subconsciously, maybe he's not willing to admit that. But when you're with six women in a row who want to put a finger in your butt — you keep thinking you don't want that, but you do want that, or you wouldn't be with six different women who wanted to do that. There's something about you because you zeroed in on it. Somewhere in your subconscious you were thinking, "I bet that woman would stick her finger in my butt." Later on, you act like you didn't want it. But you wanted it.

My friend's husband always seems to be flirting with me when she's not around. I would never hook up with him of course, but what's the best way to warn my friend that her partner is being shady?
I guess it depends on how good of a friend this person is. But I find that people have their own rules as far as the relationship goes. And if I were this person, I would not go over there anymore. You take it upon yourself to go, "I'm going to remove myself from the situation." You can always hang out with your friend one-on-one. That's a safe bet. Let the husband go on and hit on the maid or something.

I don't drink, because I used to have a pretty serious problem with alcohol. How do I meet girls in real life without going to bars?
Go to AA meetings. I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to date anyone in their first year of sobriety, but I also think that's probably the easiest time to get someone. Go to an AA meeting, find a girl who's one week sober and vulnerable, and have your way with her. I've dated a number of alcoholics and addicts, and it is fun, so I'll give you that — until it's not. I've also heard dog parks are a real hoot. But you should maybe have a dog. I don't know if you're allowed to go pick people up at dog parks if you don't have a dog.

The girl I'm dating doesn't go down on me as much as I go down on her. I don't want to give her a blowjob ultimatum, so how do we make it work? 
I think you should remind her of The Golden Rule, to do unto others as you would like others to do unto you. And then point to your penis and see if she gets it.


Jon Glaser

Actor/writer for Delocated, former writer for Late Night with Conan O'Brien and The Dana Carvey Show

What makes comedy writers good in bed?
It's a well-known fact that guy comedy writers have thunderous cocks, and lady comedy writers have succulent pussies. Writing that just made my pussy wet. 

Does being a on a TV comedy show ever get you laid?
Being on a comedy show gets me laid with my wife a few times a month. Get it? That's marital humor. We actually fuck twice a day, every day.

Do you have any groupies?
Of course I do. They are all sucking my dick as I write this. Ouch! Take it easy down there, ladies — there's plenty of Big Jon to go around!

What was it like writing for Conan O'Brien and Dana Carvey? What were the highlights of those writing gigs?
Both jobs were a lot of fun. Great shows, great writing staffs, cool people. Even on a shitty show, if there's fun people involved, the job can be a great time. 

Are there any dating experiences that have made it into your comedy writing? If so, what were they?
I dated a girl who, when she got really mad, only her wrist would turn into The Hulk. That was the inspiration for Wrist Hulk, which I did on Conan. The real answer is "no."

What have your significant others thought of your comedy? Is there anything that they objected to? 
My wife enjoys my comedy, as far as I can tell. It must be annoying being married to me and having to put up with constant bits, that's for sure. 

What themes do you avoid in your comedy, if any?
I hate "gay" as a punchline.  For example, anything where a couple buddies get psyched about something and hug and then act all weird, like they're not gay. Stupid. It's worse than when people put their hand to their ear like a phone and do the "call me" thing, and that's about as unfunny as it gets. 

Besides Delocated, what TV comedy shows are you into right now? 
Portlandia and Louie are great.  I just went to the Eagleheart panel at San Francisco Sketchfest, and the new season looks awesome.  

My friend's husband always seems to be flirting with me when she's not around. I would never hook up with him of course, but what's the best way to warn my friend that her partner is being shady? 
I would suggest putting a little sign that says "cut it out" in your vagina, and the next time she's not around and he starts to flirt, just flash your beave.

The girl I'm dating doesn't go down on me as much as I go down on her. I don't want to give her a blowjob ultimatum, so how do we make it work? 
This sounds like an episode of that old TV show, "B.J. Ultimatum and the Bear." The one called "Stop Being An Asshole Who Keeps Score About Who Goes Down On Who More." You now officially owe your girlfriend a hundred free "go-downs" until she has to blow you again.

I keep attracting women who are way too sexually experienced and adventurous for my taste. What should I do to… not do that anymore?
How about stop complaining and take advantage of it, dummy?

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