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Sex Advice From TV Comedy Writers
"Never say 'tell me a joke' to a comedy writer."
by Grace Bello
Freelance writer for Saturday Night Live, former freelance writer for Late Night With Jimmy Fallon
What makes comedy writers good in bed?
Is that question meant to be ironic? Comedy writers are obviously not good in bed. Comedy writers are embarrassed about their bodies. They're embarrassed about showing affection. Their self-esteem is low. So comedy writers would be terrible bedmates. Except me, obviously.
Does being a comedy writer ever get you laid?
No. No way. At least not for me. But I'm sure Bruce Vilanch fucks everyone.
What's the best way to ask out a comedy writer?
Compliment them. Pay attention to them. If someone just said "everything is going to be okay" to a comedy writer, that would be a huge turn-on. Show any sign of interest. I can tell you what not to say: never say "tell me a joke" to a comedy writer. If you want them to hate you, say "tell me a joke." That's the most annoying thing in the entire world.
Are there any dating experiences that have made in into your comedy writing?
Since I write about current events, no. Last time I checked, I haven't slept with Snooki or Kim Kardashian. But that could all change after this piece is published.
That's what you call "current events?" I thought you were going to say, "Last time I checked, I haven't slept with Mitt Romney."
Okay, okay, pop culture and current events.
What themes do you avoid in your comedy, if any?
Things that people can't help. Like if someone has a disease, don't make fun of that. I'm sure with some people, anything goes. But that's my rule. However, if you're making a conscious effort to be in asshole like Mark Wahlberg with his shit, then yeah, he should be made fun of. Did you hear his quote about 9/11? It was pretty rough.
So besides the shows that you write for, what TV comedy shows are you into right now?
Parks and Recreation really hit its stride. Ever since it started, it's gotten exponentially stronger as a show. I don't really watch television, to be honest. I watch the news and the weather, but I don't really sit down and watch, like, Whitney.
What would happen if you ended up dating someone who was funnier than you?
I think that would be a great thing. I feel like I could only date someone who has a sense of humor. Being a comedian and dating someone who is extremely serious would be torturous for both people. Someone who has a sense of humor and goes with the flow is so much better than someone who finds no humor in anything and is cold-hearted.
Have you ever used your comedy routines to pick up women?
I mean, sure, you try to be funny around them. But, no, not really. I'm not really going to the bar down the street and telling jokes about Paula Deen's diabetes or whatever to impress anyone. "Hi, my name is Rob. Have you heard about Paula Deen?"
I keep attracting women who are way too sexually experienced and adventurous for my taste. What should I do to...not do that anymore?
Geez. Wherever he's picking up these women, he should go somewhere else. I feel like if he's attracting sexually adventurous women, where's he going to find these women? Is he hanging out outside Port Authority? Is he going to super trashy bars? Maybe if he went to, I don't know, a Downton Abbey viewing party, he'd find someone more prim and proper.
My friend's husband always seems to be flirting with me when she's not around. I would never hook up with him of course, but what's the best way to warn my friend that her partner is being shady?
Create a fake Facebook account with a totally fake name. Message your friend and say, "Listen, your husband is messing around. You need to take a look at this." Don't get personally involved. You don't want to get hurt. Oh, you can attribute that quote to Dr. Phil. I should've used one of his metaphors that doesn't make any sense.
The girl I'm dating doesn't go down on me as much as I go down on her. I don't want to give her a blowjob ultimatum, so how do we make it work?
Maybe there's a reason she isn't blowing you. Maybe check your hygiene. Maybe check what you do while she's blowing you. Are you making weird sounds that freak her out, and she's embarrassed to tell you? Do you smack her in the head while she's doing it? There's probably a reason why she's not going down on you. When someone Googles me, hopefully that will be the first result: "Did you mean: Rob LeDonne blowjob advice?"
I'm having problems getting the girl I'm dating to loosen up in bed. Beer works, kind of, but we've been seeing each other for four months and have only had sex twice. What should I do?
Then I'd say, "I hope you're interested in an open relationship, because I don't know if this can work out." Does she have intimacy issues? She should go talk to someone. I'm going to have to talk to a sex therapist myself after this interview.