Not a member? Sign up now
Writer for 2 Broke Girls, former writer for Late Night With Jimmy Fallon
What makes comedy writers good in bed?
Most of them probably aren't. It's not the sexiest job in the world. But there's bound to be a surprise or two that you wouldn't get with someone who's entirely balanced. Basically, I've just said that comedy writers are serial killers.
What's it like writing for 2 Broke Girls?
It's really fun. I think the highlight for me is the pressure of writing on the floor. 2 Broke Girls is taped in front of a live audience. If something doesn't work, you have a limited amount of time to fix it. That's the best part of the job and the most exciting part. The comedy trenches, I guess. People would be surprised to see how much work goes into making twenty-two minutes of television. It can feel very exciting and occasionally very stressful.
What situations would you like to see on the show that the network would probably never allow?
To be totally honest, we get away with more than I thought we'd be able to. CBS has actually been really great about letting us get away with material. It keeps things from being too bubblegum or boring. It's really cute when people seem to love the show but are almost shy about it. They feel like they're getting away with something dirty watching it. If people are noticing it more, some part of it could also be that it's girls saying these things, not Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men.
Have any of your personal dating experiences made it into your writing for the show?
I think so. Any story that is relationship-based at all, it's some amalgamation of my experiences, all the other writers' experiences, and some other shit that we just made up. I can't think of a specific from the show, but we'll have a lot of debates in the room where someone will say, "Well, would Max or Caroline do this?" And inevitably, a writer will say, "Well, I did it!" The really fun thing about writing for Max is that she will make jokes about sexual experiences, and they're clearly not true. That's kind of how I operate. I don't think I'm a tremendously sexual person. I'm not out getting laid all the time. But I do think it's a very funny thing to talk about.
To brag about your sexual prowess?
Yeah, I think it's kind of ridiculous in a weird way. I don't know why I find it funny to, like, be out with my friends and say, "I'm going to get so much cock tonight!" I'm probably not going to get any cock, and it's a ridiculous thing to say. Honestly, if it only happened to one person in the room, it doesn't necessarily get into the script. At least somebody else in the room has to relate to it. You don't want to be the one person in the room who says, "Well, doesn't everyone sleep with eight guys in a day?"
I keep attracting women who are way too sexually experienced and adventurous for my taste. What should I do to...not do that anymore?
I hate when people say "I keep attracting..." It means that you keep being attracted to that kind of person. So, clearly, he's going after something that he wants. Subconsciously, maybe he's not willing to admit that. But when you're with six women in a row who want to put a finger in your butt — you keep thinking you don't want that, but you do want that, or you wouldn't be with six different women who wanted to do that. There's something about you because you zeroed in on it. Somewhere in your subconscious you were thinking, "I bet that woman would stick her finger in my butt." Later on, you act like you didn't want it. But you wanted it.
My friend's husband always seems to be flirting with me when she's not around. I would never hook up with him of course, but what's the best way to warn my friend that her partner is being shady?
I guess it depends on how good of a friend this person is. But I find that people have their own rules as far as the relationship goes. And if I were this person, I would not go over there anymore. You take it upon yourself to go, "I'm going to remove myself from the situation." You can always hang out with your friend one-on-one. That's a safe bet. Let the husband go on and hit on the maid or something.
I don't drink, because I used to have a pretty serious problem with alcohol. How do I meet girls in real life without going to bars?
Go to AA meetings. I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to date anyone in their first year of sobriety, but I also think that's probably the easiest time to get someone. Go to an AA meeting, find a girl who's one week sober and vulnerable, and have your way with her. I've dated a number of alcoholics and addicts, and it is fun, so I'll give you that — until it's not. I've also heard dog parks are a real hoot. But you should maybe have a dog. I don't know if you're allowed to go pick people up at dog parks if you don't have a dog.
The girl I'm dating doesn't go down on me as much as I go down on her. I don't want to give her a blowjob ultimatum, so how do we make it work?
I think you should remind her of The Golden Rule, to do unto others as you would like others to do unto you. And then point to your penis and see if she gets it.