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Actor/writer for Delocated, former writer for Late Night with Conan O'Brien and The Dana Carvey Show
What makes comedy writers good in bed?
It's a well-known fact that guy comedy writers have thunderous cocks, and lady comedy writers have succulent pussies. Writing that just made my pussy wet.
Does being a on a TV comedy show ever get you laid?
Being on a comedy show gets me laid with my wife a few times a month. Get it? That's marital humor. We actually fuck twice a day, every day.
Do you have any groupies?
Of course I do. They are all sucking my dick as I write this. Ouch! Take it easy down there, ladies — there's plenty of Big Jon to go around!
What was it like writing for Conan O'Brien and Dana Carvey? What were the highlights of those writing gigs?
Both jobs were a lot of fun. Great shows, great writing staffs, cool people. Even on a shitty show, if there's fun people involved, the job can be a great time.
Are there any dating experiences that have made it into your comedy writing? If so, what were they?
I dated a girl who, when she got really mad, only her wrist would turn into The Hulk. That was the inspiration for Wrist Hulk, which I did on Conan. The real answer is "no."
What have your significant others thought of your comedy? Is there anything that they objected to?
My wife enjoys my comedy, as far as I can tell. It must be annoying being married to me and having to put up with constant bits, that's for sure.
What themes do you avoid in your comedy, if any?
I hate "gay" as a punchline. For example, anything where a couple buddies get psyched about something and hug and then act all weird, like they're not gay. Stupid. It's worse than when people put their hand to their ear like a phone and do the "call me" thing, and that's about as unfunny as it gets.
Besides Delocated, what TV comedy shows are you into right now?
Portlandia and Louie are great. I just went to the Eagleheart panel at San Francisco Sketchfest, and the new season looks awesome.
My friend's husband always seems to be flirting with me when she's not around. I would never hook up with him of course, but what's the best way to warn my friend that her partner is being shady?
I would suggest putting a little sign that says "cut it out" in your vagina, and the next time she's not around and he starts to flirt, just flash your beave.
The girl I'm dating doesn't go down on me as much as I go down on her. I don't want to give her a blowjob ultimatum, so how do we make it work?
This sounds like an episode of that old TV show, "B.J. Ultimatum and the Bear." The one called "Stop Being An Asshole Who Keeps Score About Who Goes Down On Who More." You now officially owe your girlfriend a hundred free "go-downs" until she has to blow you again.
I keep attracting women who are way too sexually experienced and adventurous for my taste. What should I do to... not do that anymore?
How about stop complaining and take advantage of it, dummy?
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