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Sex Advice From . . . Unicyclists

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Mister E, 28
www.sbuni.com

How can becoming a unicyclist make me a good lover?
The unicyclist’s sole objective is “to stay on top.” Unplanned dismounts (UPDs) do occur, and not without embarrassment, but if you can traverse rough terrain on a single wheel, you can ride the buckingest of bed broncos.

After a one-night stand, what’s the best way to find out your hookup’s name if you can’t remember it?
Try this: “Have you ever noticed that if you say your name twenty times in a row it starts sounding really weird? Brian, Brian, Brian, Brian, Brian . . . ” Then, if only to shut you up, they’ll try it with their own name.

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I’m inviting a date over to watch a movie, but I really just want to hook up. What’s the best movie to get them in the mood?
The absolutely depends on whether your date is male or female. Women like romantic narratives about heroes and damsels, particularly quirky damsels like Amelie. If your date’s a dude, you don’t even need to bother with the movie.

Where is the best place to find a no-strings-attached summer fling?
Any semi-organized getaway with other people your age. Funny things happen when we’re away from home in coed groups for a couple of weeks.

The guy I slept with a few times left his digital camera at my apartment. I don’t think he knows I have it. He’s the one who stopped calling me, so how obligated am I to go out of my way to return it to him?
You are under absolutely no obligation to return the camera. It’s his responsibility to keep track of his crap. Having said that, returning it certainly would be the noble thing to do. Invite one of your other booty calls over tonight and go hog wild with the camera. Then return it.

What’s the sexiest way to wear spandex?
Only people who are already oozing sexiness can rightfully sport the spandex. For the rest of us, isn’t there something slightly sexy about not giving a damn what other people think?


Mike, 34

www.unicyclemagazine.com

How can becoming a unicyclist make me a better lover?
Perseverance in wanting to succeed — learning to ride those first few yards is a tough, slow process.

I have a crush on a unicyclist. How can I get him to notice me?
By being keen to learn, or at least by putting up with his obsession. Don’t make wisecracks about losing a wheel, and above all don’t break into that ridiculous circus song that introduces the clowns. That’s not sexy.

Is it ever okay to have sex with the person who you’re taking a relationship break with?
It is if you’re prepared for the break to end prematurely.

Where is the best place to find a no-strings-attached summer fling?
To make sure it’s definitely no-strings, go somewhere abroad and use a fake name. Otherwise, enter into a summer fling at your own risk.

My ex-boyfriend is coming into town and wants to stay with me. Good or bad idea? We’re on decent terms, but we’re not best pals.
Why does he want to stay? Free hotel? To get back together? Or just to check if you’ve improved in bed? Say no, but suggest a coffee instead to be polite. If it works out, you can always hook up in his hotel room.


Nauni, 26

After a one-night stand, what’s the best way to find out your hookup’s name if you can’t remember what it is?
Just call him or her “Hey you.” Knowing names isn’t all that important. It’s amazing how far you can get without needing that detail.

How can learning to ride a unicycle make me a better lover?
It teaches you how to straddle and balance without falling over, but more importantly it teaches you to have fun, be passionate, be patient and be dedicated.

I’m inviting a date over to watch a movie, but I really just want to hook up. What’s the best movie to get her in the mood?
Microcosmos. It has this sensual scene where two snails seem to become one flesh while mating.

Lately, my boyfriend keeps the TV on while we have sex. What does this mean?
I think it means he’s so into you that he doesn’t even notice anything else going on around him.

Is it ever a good idea to reveal the number of sexual partners you’ve had to your significant other?
If the number is low, go ahead and divulge, but advertising high numbers is not a good strategy to keep someone interested in a long-term relationship.

Dave, 39

I’m an older woman dating a much younger man. He says he wants to be with me forever, but I’m worried that because he’s in the prime of his dating life he’ll eventually leave me. Is this a valid concern?
It’s a reasonable concern, but don’t let your fear turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy. Just be the person he fell in love with and let the chips fall where they may.

My boyfriend can only get off with me on top, which I hate. Are there any other positions that might work?
A natural extension of the woman-on-top positions are to be found among the side-by-side positions.

Is it ever okay to have sex with the person you’re taking a relationship break with?
Totally. Taking a break from your break and having sex will probably sort out more shit about your relationship than a month of couples’ therapy.

Lately, my boyfriend keeps the TV on while we have sex. What does this mean?
It means you’ve hidden the remote again.

What’s the best way to pick up a unicyclist?
Learn to ride. We’re simple folk. A girl learns to ride a unicycle and she achieves goddess status immediately.
 

Interviews by JL Scott. Sex Advice From… appears on Thursdays. Have questions for the general public? Send them to sexadvicefrom@nerve.com.

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