Advice

Sex Advice From Valedictorians

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Ashley Jean, 23

What’s the best way to pick up a valedictorian?
Being honest and openly passionate about what you like is the hottest thing. I remember studying for a calculus exam with a math major and just watching him work through those derivatives made me so effing turned on.

When speaking in front of large groups of people, what’s the best way to pick up an audience member?
I’ve never done this, but someone did this to me. Just stare at them. The fact that they’re there to hear you in the first place is a good indication that they enjoy you in some sense, so stare at them throughout and see what type of reaction you get back.

How far would you go, sexually, for a good grade?
Probably just a deep conversation with the professor. This is not necessarily sexual, actually rarely so, but, I do know that professors and students can have platonic crushes on each other through intelligent, stimulating interaction, and just knowing a person on a deeper level will help out a grade. Still probably going to have to put in some work, though.

My boyfriend used to have a drinking problem and now doesn’t drink a drop. I miss having wild, drunken sex with him and don’t know how to replicate that without alcohol. What do you suggest?
My friend told me that he and his girlfriend would each put on a certain cologne/perfume before they started having sex. Then, on certain days, they would put it on without telling the other person, which would immediately make the other horny all day, just ready to tear up the sheets when both got home. A trick like that might make a difference.

What’s the best reason to date a valedictorian?
They are likely a hard worker, so sex is a good way for them to relax. But valedictorians are usually pretty good partiers, and people who, if you can convince them to come out, will do the night right. If you get with one that’s a narci (narcissistic), though, run for the fucking hills.

I like to be rough during sex — just like slaps across the face or scratches down my back. How do I tell my partner about this without sounding crazy?
Tell them why you like it — sometimes you have logical reasons for wanting these things. I feel with this added explanation, your partner will be overjoyed to scratch your back like a wild cat. If they are worth anything, your partner will want to give you pleasure, and if this is what gets you off, tell them so.

I know it’s not classy, but I have to know: what’s the best way to break up with someone via text message?
What, are you too far away from them to do it face to face, and the call mechanism on your cell phone has somehow broken? Maybe you should find an internet café and break up with them over Skype, asshole. That way everyone can hear what a douchebag you are.

Andrew, 24

What’s the best way to pick up a valedictorian?
Ask us out on a date. Most of us are introverted nerds. The closest relationship we’ve ever had with a member of the opposite sex is likely with a parent. Oh, and use proper grammar.

How far would you go, sexually, for a good grade?
All the way. But only for a hot teacher. I feel like that’s a pretty common fantasy for all valedictorians. Actually, in some cases, that’s probably how they ended up on top.

My boyfriend used to have a drinking problem and now doesn’t drink a drop. I miss having wild, drunken sex with him and don’t know how to replicate that without alcohol. What do you suggest?
Respect his decision. Why do you need alcohol to get wild and crazy in bed? Just go for it. I’m sure he’ll approve.

What’s the best reason to date a valedictorian?
Because once the crush wears off and you’re left with who that person really is, we tend to be a lot more interesting, quirky, and fun.

Do you have any dealbreakers in the bedroom?
Never give "it" an emasculating nickname. And no stuffed animals in the room. It feels like they’re watching/judging.

I like to be rough during sex — just like slaps across the face or scratches down my back. How do I tell my partner about this without sounding crazy?
If you feel weird about bringing it up, just go for it next time. In the heat of the moment, no one will judge you and it could end up being great. But if you guys have been together for a while and you can’t have an honest, adult conversation about your sex life with your partner then you’re probably in the wrong relationship.

I know it’s not classy, but I have to know: what’s the best way to break up with someone via text message?
The best way to break up with someone via text message is texting to say you want to see them in person to talk about something and then break up. Man (or woman) up!

Adam, 24

What’s the best way to pick up a valedictorian?
Try not to be intimidated. Valedictorians are normal people just like you except much much smarter, and more successful, and they’re probably thinking, "Wow, this person is nowhere near as smart as me." But just be yourself.

When speaking in front of large groups of people, what’s the best way to pick up an audience member?
Dazzle them with your ability to recite facts from memory like, "Did you know that the atomic weight of cobalt is 58.9?" or, "Jonas Salk cured polio."

How far would you go, sexually, for a good grade?
First of all, how dare you! Those allegations are false and unwarranted! Mr. Sellers is a liar and possibly an alcoholic. Next question!

What’s the best reason to date  a valedictorian?
We can not only tell you when you’re wrong, but why you’re wrong.

I really want to sleep with a prostitute because I think the idea of having sex with a prostitute is really hot. Does that make me an immoral asshole?
Immoral? Yes. Asshole? Only if you frequently wear a cardigan.

I know it’s not classy, but I have to know: what’s the best way to break up with someone via text message?
Why even send a text message? Won’t they get the idea when they see you changed your Facebook status to "single"?