Sex Advice From Video Clerks

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Thomas, 22

I have a crush on a film buff but know nothing about movies. How can I get him into bed?
Giggle and fit the name Godard into a sentence.

What’s a good date DVD?
I don’t think the movie really matters. Last year, I went on a video date with Mr. Gay Glasgow 2004. He chose for us to watch Coyote Ugly. It was embarrassing and painful, but nonetheless it worked.

A good friend of mine confessed he wants to date me. I’d be interested in fucking around once in a while, but not a relationship. Could that work?


These situations don’t bode well. Someone inevitably gets attached, and someone inevitably gets hurt, and then there’s lots of note-writing. I think for two guys, it’s easier. But for a guy and a girl, unless you find two unique individuals who both have high sex drives and a genuine disinterest in relationships, chances are pretty slim.

I’m gay, and a friend of mine who’s questioning his sexuality wants to hook up with me to try it out. He’s hot, so I’m game, but I’m worried this would be exploiting him. Is it?
I’ve had the offer from several acquaintances. In one instance, there was a lot of “I’m so confused,” and I didn’t want to help him work through all that. In another case it didn’t go well because I became attracted to him just as he was about to marry his first cousin. So if you’re worried about screwing up the friendship, I wouldn’t give it a go, but if you don’t care about keeping any sort of long-term friendship with this person, then I would go for it. And bonus points if you convert anybody to the team.

What sex act is overrated?
Sex in the shower. You have to keep your eyes closed to keep your contacts in.

What are the sexual proclivities of a man whose favorite actor is:

Vin Diesel?
Bridge-and-tunnel. Flexing in a bedside mirror while fondling his polo shirt.

Jake Gyllenhaal?
So totally fucking adorable. A nibbler.

Vincent Gallo?
If he could, he would suck his own dick.

What are the sexual proclivities of a woman whose favorite actress is:

Angelina Jolie?
She thinks she’s a lot sexier and kinkier than she actually is. She says things like, “I want ass play!” but when the times come, she wimps out and says something about her period or feeling

Julia Roberts?
Would try lots of exotic moves, but with no idea what they are doing and end up, like, biting your ball-sack.

I’m considering dating a conservative. Is there any truth to the theory that stuffed shirts are wild in bed?
From video-store experience, it’s true: the more buttoned-up the shirt, the dirtier the porn.

What sort of kink should I expect, exactly?
Fear-based scenarios. Terrorist-themed role-play. Like, you be the Arab air-traveler and I’ll be the security inspector.

I want to have sex in a movie theater. Any advice?
No Asian horror movies.

Lisa, 24

What’s a good date DVD?
If you just want to bone, then The Lover or a pirated copy of Basic Instinct 2. Its really just an excuse to get two people together in a dark room, so it doesn’t matter too much. I
Christianremember one of my first dates with an ex-boyfriend, he rented American History X and we still made out afterward. I guess he wanted to demonstrate that he was into thought-provoking films. And Edward Norton was pretty hot, doing it in his Doc Martens.

I have a crush on the guy who works at my local video store. How can I get him to notice me?
Come with offerings. One time, this girl made cookies for my coworker every week, and he thought she was cool, but he was dating someone. I liked it because I got to eat cookies.

What are the sexual abilities or preferences of a person whose favorite movie is:

Wild Things?
Suburban kink. Wants to have a threesome, but they’re too inhibited to ask.

My Best Friend’s Wedding?
Missionary position with the lights off.

Garden State?
They’ve been saving themselves for the right person and now they’re giving sex to them like a gift. They’ll want to talk about it afterwards.

They’re against the social standards that dictate rules about pubic hair, and they’ve researched weird sexual positions on the internet so they seem erotically knowledgeable.

Describe the sexual proclivities of a man whose favorite actor is:

Bill Murray circa Stripes?
He slips his pinkie into your ass. He doesn’t ask. He just slips it in.

Vincent Gallo?
Perv. He wants you to do him with a strap-on. Pegging, I believe it’s called.

How about a woman whose favorite actress is:

Angelina Jolie?
A few years ago, I would have said this person was a little freaky and interesting, but now it would probably be some nineteen-year-old suburban girl who wants to make out with other girls at bars. She thinks she’s wild and hot, but lacks any real finesse.

Tilda Swinton?
I’m tempted to say lesbian, but I shouldn’t generalize. “Open-minded.”

Chloe Sevigny?
She used to be a dirty girl, but now she seems a little controlling. Very specific. “Only pee on me here, and not too much” and whatnot.

What fetish is overrated?
I’m bored of hearing about tentacle porn on the internet.

What’s tentacle porn?
It’s robots and weird aliens with twenty penises. They’re attached to tentacles and they wrap around women and penetrate them.

This is a cartoon?
Yeah. Also, eel porn, which is not a cartoon.

Jeff, 34

What’s the best way to approach a total stranger who you find attractive, outside of a typical bar setting?Christian
I was out with a friend at a comedy club last night. He wrote a card to this girl he saw there. It said “Comedy Club Princess” on the front and inside it had a questionnaire with questions like, “Do you have a boyfriend? Yes or no? Would you like to be my pen-pal? Yes or no? If so, put your email address here.”

Did she write back?
No, she snubbed him. But I thought it was an excellent ice-breaker. I’m quite shy myself, so I think the less talking, the better.

What would be the best way for her to have approached him and said something like, “Look, I don’t want to date you, but let’s get it on anyway.”
That exact quote would sell me. For guys, that’s a dream come true.

I’m considering dating a conservative. What are some freaky, Republican-gone-wild scenarios we could act out?
I always enjoy the IRS audit scenario. Lots of going through your files, combing your receipts and, after it’s over, the write-off.

I’m gay, and a friend of mine who’s questioning his sexuality wants to hook up with me to try it out. He’s hot, so I’m game, but I’m worried this would be exploiting him. Is it?
Nah, I don’t think so. You don’t know if you dislike Brussels sprouts until you try Brussels sprouts. Who better to facilitate a test-run than a good friend?

What sex toy is most overrated?
Anal beads. I can envision terrible scenarios. Like, your mom visits your house and finds your anal beads and thought they were a necklace and wears them to dinner.

What’s a rule of thumb for selecting a date DVD?
Nothing with overtly sexual content, but still hot. In the genre of hot, but not explicit.

What are the sexual proclivities of a woman whose favorite actress is:

Angelina Jolie?
Hot and frequent. Likes to have sex with other people’s husbands.

Tilda Swinton?
Beware of untrimmed hedges.

Chloe Sevigny?
Awesome at fellatio.

Julia Roberts?
All show and no go. She’d talk the talk, but once you got her in the sack it would be like having sex with your sister.

Debbie, 23

I have a crush on my local video store clerk, but know nothing about film. How can I get a date with him?Christian
Ask him to recommend his top three favorite movies and rent them. Try your hardest to like at least one of them. Then come back and talk about it. Go on IMDb and find several other films by the same director, then ask for those films as well.

What’s a good date DVD?
Harold and Maude. It leaves everyone feeling like they should seize the day and keep their romance fresh.

What sex toy is overrated?
Heat-up condoms. It’s so hard to notice whether the condom is heating up or not, it’s too distracting.

What sexual abilities or preferences can I expect of a person whose favorite movie is:

Wild Things?
Will try too many semi-impressive positions that are actually just uncomfortable. They’re probably thinking about pornography while you’re doing it.

Dead Ringers?
Seems cool and intelligent, but owns a vibrator with one too many hooks on it. Stay far away.

Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle?
Demand to see the results of their most recent syphilis test.

I’m gay, and a friend of mine who’s questioning his sexuality wants to hook up with me to try it out. He’s hot, so I’m game, but I’m worried this would be exploiting him. Is it?
If anything, I’d worry that your friend is exploiting you, but if you’re emotionally distanced enough to make out worry-free with a guy who is very possibly straight, then do it and have a good time.

How can I bed a conservative?
Conservative girls get all their sex tips from Cosmo, so if you’re even a little bit different you’ll wow him with the fact that you don’t suck.

How can I have sex in a video store without being seen by anyone?
Do it in the VHS section.  

Interviews by F. Russell. Sex Advice From… appears on Thursdays. Have questions for the general public? Send them to

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