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Sex Advice from . . . Video-Game Designers

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James, 28
Mushroommen.com

How can playing video games make me better in the sack?
Sex is all about setting a high score. Get in there, get competitive with your partner, and when they pass out exhausted and spent, quietly carve three initials into their bed.

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How can I incorporate my Wii into my sex life?
Until they release a Wii version of Rez, I would advise against bringing the Wii into the bedroom. As we have discovered at work, the Wiimote isn’t the “magic wand” we all wanted it to be.

After exchanging a few emails with someone I met online, he began texting me. He now sends me multiple text messages a day, but doesn’t seem to want to meet up. How should I proceed?
This person is either too insecure or not actually available. Either way, you’ll spend so much time being strung along that you’ll eventually hate him (or should). If you’re really interested in him, express your frustration and give him an ultimatum.

I’m going on my third date with a guy whose birthday is this weekend. What can I plan that will be “birthday special,” but not too romantic or intense for a third date?
Buy a good bottle of booze — Prosecco is nice — and hang out with your friends. Play a board game (NOT one about marriage!) and just chill. You’re probably over-thinking this.

I became very close with my ex-boyfriend’s mother throughout the relationship. We’d talk and email independent of him, and we never got a chance to say goodbye. Can I send her a quick email, or is that crossing the line?
Jesus Christ, don’t do that. There is nothing more annoying than having your parents harangue you about why you broke up with that one person. If you want to stay in touch, get her XBLA name and play some Puzzle Fighter online — this is allowed, but even that’s pushing it.


Jordan, 29


Who is the sexiest video game character of all time?
The silk-swaddled Blood Elven bombshell you’re chatting up in World of Warcraft, mere moments before she informs you that she’s a cosplayer. And, you know, also a guy. I’ll make the nerd sacrifice and admit I was always partial to Charlotte Colde from the Samurai Shodown series. She’s kind of a Buffy analogue — feminine, but in the video game space, downright demure.

Sometimes my girlfriend makes off-hand remarks about how big her ex’s dick is, and it makes me insecure about mine. How do I get her to stop without letting on that I’m insecure?
Statistically speaking, physical endowment is not the central cause of dissatisfaction. This is a clumsy, brutal manifestation of some other issue, which may very well be with her. Openly confront her, and work through it together — your insecurity and her vitriol aren’t going to hold any peace talks on their own.

Recently I began sleeping with a friend. I realized I’m not into it anymore, but he seems totally into me. How can I break it off and still salvage the friendship?
Yeah, he’s falling in love. The connection is unlikely ever to revert to its previous form, and certainly not until he’s well over you. Sexuality eclipses the platonic — that’s exactly what its meant to do. If the two of you can work it out and ultimately reconnect at the hip instead of the nethers, you’ll be forced through the same painful strangeness that “amicable” exes presently enjoy worldwide. So: distance and time, the big fat cliché. Next time, just be honest with yourself about what you’re getting into.

After exchanging a few emails with someone I met online, he began texting me. He now sends me multiple text messages a day, but doesn’t seem to want to meet up. How should I proceed?
Ask him directly why he seems shy about meeting you. If he can’t articulate it further, you may have found someone who’s gotten so used to that meta-mask of his online personality that he’s terrified of genuine contact. It happens.

My girlfriend got a gig as a nude model at our local art school. The idea of a bunch of guys ogling her naked body bothers me, and I want her to drop the job. Is this valid?
You mean your feelings about it? Sure, they’re valid. But consider this: no one takes a job like that without serving some exhibitionist need inside themselves, whether they know it or not, and whether it’s healthy and relationship-friendly or otherwise. And if it’s a core part of who she is, then that, too, has inherent validity.


Heather, 37
www.kokoromi.org

Who is the sexiest video game character of all time?
Sky in Bioware’s 2005 Action RPG Jade Empire. He’s a complete hottie, a great fighter with a tragic past and quite a flirt. If you keep his interest, the night before the final battle you can entice him into your tent.

Recently I began sleeping with a friend. I realized I’m not into it anymore, but he seems totally into me. How can I break it off and still salvage the friendship?
If it’s really just about sex, be honest the next time he suggests a hookup. But if it’s about more than that for him, you’re possibly going to break his heart, in which case, tell him you do not want to be in contact at all for a while — say a month. Only after some significant time has passed can you consider being friends again.

I became close with my ex-boyfriend’s mother during the relationship. We’d talk and email independent of him, and we never got a chance to say goodbye. Can I send her a quick email, or is that crossing the line?
Did your ex specifically ask you not to be in touch with her? If so, then you need to respect that. But if you’re avoiding her without any prompting from him, a quick note to reconnect isn’t crossing any line.

After exchanging a few emails with someone I met online, he began texting me. He now sends me multiple text messages a day, but doesn’t seem to want to meet up. How should I proceed?
With caution, clearly. It sounds like this person enjoys the emotional intimacy of your communication, but has reasons stopping him from meeting you in real life. Why not try a phone call before actually meeting in person?

I’m going on my third date with a guy whose birthday is this weekend. What can I plan that will be “birthday special,” but not too romantic or intense for a third date?
If you can figure out something that really matches up with his interests, the date itself can be the gift. But if you’re set on giving him a wrapped present, consider something consumable — a bottle of his favorite type of alcohol is a classic for good reason. You want to give him something that shows you know and care about his tastes, but doesn’t imply the same temporal obligation as a durable object. And definitely don’t give him socks or underwear, unless they’re edible.


Randy, 33

How can my Wii help me in the bedroom?
You’ll no longer have to make painful choices about whether to spend your evening bowling or having sex. You can just take turns throwing balls, then do that complicated roll-over-without-taking-it-out move so whoever’s up next can be on top.

Sometimes my girlfriend makes off-handed remarks about how big her ex’s dick was, and it bothers me. How do I get her to stop without letting on that I’m insecure?
Buy an enormous, robotic eighteen-inch dildo and whip it out with a chipper, enthusiastic smile every time she starts talking about her ex.

I became very close with my ex-boyfriend’s mother throughout the relationship. We’d talk and email independent of him, and we never got a chance to say goodbye. Can I send her a quick email, or is that crossing the line?
If y’all were that tight, I don’t know why you ever stopped corresponding. She’s probably just waiting for you to drop her a line so you and she can grab some beers and talk shit about how bad he was at communicating his emotions and how long it took him to stop wetting the bed, respectively.

I got drunk and slept with my roommate. We never talked about it, but now I think I’m beginning to have feelings for him. What should I do?
Find a stranger at a bar to screw so you can at least start at the beginning and fantasize about a deep emotional relationship with a potential partner with whom you aren’t already sharing a toilet.

How can playing video games make me a better lover?
Back in the eight-bit days, we used the term “Nintendo thumb,” which meant one of two things: One, you played video games until the hours and hours spent manipulating the rough edge of the D-pad gave you that unique blister that hurt so badly you could barely hold the controller anymore, but you soldiered on anyway. Two, the freakish teenage-boy ability to stimulate the A/B buttons so rapidly one’s thumb only appeared as a vibrating blur, a Schrödinger’s-cat possibility-field type thing. So if clits are just D-pads and A/B buttons, my entire generation should be rock-star gods in bed.
 

Interviews by Emily Farris. Sex Advice From… appears on Thursdays. Have questions for the general public? Send them to sexadvicefrom@nerve.com.

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