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Sex Advice From…Exotic-Pet Owners

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Lasse, 29, goat owner
http://plume.dk/blog

What sex accessory should everyone keep next to their bed?
I’m not big on accessories. Maybe an inflatable rubber doll in case your girlfriend finally agrees to that threesome you’ve been begging for.

How can I warn my partner that I have my period without ruining the moment?
Finger puppets. Do a little theatrical performance. Or maybe a code word, like the safe-words they use in S&M. Whisper "communist" in his ear, and he’ll know what’s up.

What’s a hot article of clothing to leave on during sex?
Socks. I don’t know why, but there’s something very erotic about white tennis socks. Or knee-highs, if you want to get fancy.

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My boyfriend needs to smoke pot to get in the mood. Should I be worried?
I think so. If he needs drugs to get turned on by you, something’s wrong. Imagine when he gets older — instead of doing Viagra, he’ll be fixing heroin.

I have some high-end sex toys I used in my previous relationship. If I clean them thoroughly, is it okay to use them with my next partner?
You can’t put a price on love. If you love your new partner, you don’t fire up an Excel spreadsheet and a calculator when making decisions. Think about how he or she would feel about it. Then try to sell the toys on eBay. Some things stay dirty, no matter how hard you scrub.

What can animals teach humans about enjoying sex?
That we should enjoy it without guilt or self-imposed shame. Animals are pure, even in sex.

How can having an unusual pet get me laid?
"Do you want to come back to my place and see my pink-feathered snake?" is much more intriguing than, "Wanna see my stamp collection?"


Sally, 29, ferret owner

I adore my girlfriend, but I’m allergic to her two cats. Is it rude of me to suggest we always stay at my place?
Not in the slightest. "Rude" would be insisting she keep separate sets of clothes at both places and shower thoroughly before touching you.

How can I warn my partner that I have my period without ruining the mood?
Just give him a blowjob. If he isn’t exhausted afterward, then give him another one. No need to talk about it at all. Everyone wins.

My longtime girlfriend claims she’s overwhelmed by med school and says she wants to "take a break" from our relationship. Is there hope, or are we doomed?
That’s girl-code for, "I’ve met a doctor and he’s got a huge wang." You’re doomed.

I have some expensive, high-end sex toys that I used in my relationship with my previous boyfriend. If I clean them thoroughly, is it okay to use them with my next partner?
Absolutely not!

What’s a hot article of clothing to leave on during sex?
Costume hats are best: a policeman or fireman’s hat, or even a fez.


Gogo, 22, llama owner

My boyfriend takes ages to come. What tricks can I use to speed things up?
There’s plenty you can try. Mid-coitus and without warning, switch to oral sex — guys love unexpected blowjobs. Ask him about a specific fantasy — just talking about it will probably get him more excited. Just hope that his fantasy isn’t to "go all night long." And use more lube — maybe it’s really about keeping you going, not slowing him down.

My girlfriend won’t go anywhere without her dog. She refuses to even board him for a few days so we can go on vacation together. Is there anything I can do?
That sounds super-annoying. I’d dump her. Or act out a sexual revenge fantasy by putting her in a studded collar with a leash.

How can I warn my partner that I have my period without ruining the mood?
Just break the news gently and keep a towel handy if they’re still up for it. Most people don’t wish for crime-scene sex, but they’ll take it if it’s the only option.

What’s a hot article of clothing to leave on during sex?
For a traditionally sexy guy, try an old-school smoking jacket. The Heffner appeal is a big turn on. Things I’d pass on: baby bonnets, pacifiers and schoolgirl uniforms — knee socks being the only exception.

Any good animal-related pickup lines?
"Llamas are camels without humps. You’d have to come to my bedroom for those."

Eric, 23, flying-squirrel owner

What sex accessory should everyone keep near their bed?
Handcuffs. I’ve trained [my pet flying squirrel] Reed to unlock them should my girl decide to leave me chained up while stealing my valuables.

At what point during sex or foreplay should I warn my partner that I’m on my period?
Any time other than in the middle of some form of cunnilingual enterprise would be acceptable.

What’s a hot article of clothing to leave on during sex?
It’s pretty hot if her skirt is still on. Or possible nothing but an apron and oven mitts.

My long-time girlfriend claims she’s overwhelmed by med school and says she wants to "take a break" from our relationship. Is there hope, or are we doomed?
Doomed. Just appreciate that she’s dumping you for something respectable. The only chance you have of keeping this one is by burying her in your backyard.

What can exotic pets teach us about sex?
Enjoy it while you can get it, and don’t be too picky. You never know when someone’s going to start controlling your mating habits.

How can I charm your pet to convince you that I’m a catch?
I’d be pretty impressed with anyone aside from myself who could grab her without getting shrieked at.
 

Interviews by Kate Worteck. Sex Advice From… appears on Thursdays. Have questions for the general public? Send them to sexadvicefrom@nerve.com.

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