Advice

Sex Advice From…Stand-Up Comedians

Pin it
 REGULARS
Sex Advice From... Stand-Up Comedians

Sherry Davey

What’s the funniest thing that’s happened to you during sex?
The police came. My car had been stolen.

You weren’t in the car?
Of course not, thank God. I was with this person who, whenever we would try to get together, something would go wrong, something terrible, like the fire alarm would go off in the apartment. This time, it was the police literally knocking at the door saying that my car was down the street. I didn’t even know my car had been stolen. They totally killed the mood. It was awful.

It’s hard to keep the mood going when the cops show up.
Especially when they want you to give a statement. My statement is, "I’m not finished."

What are some jokes that will definitely not get you laid?
Beaver jokes will not get you laid. Jokes about how women smell in particular. Very sexist jokes like,”(funny voice) I fucked her stupid” will definitely not get you laid. They won’t even get you in the door.


promotion

Are men blatant when they come up to you?
Oh, God yeah. Some of them will just come right up to you and say, “Hey. You were pretty hot up there.” The best one was when a guy came up to me and said, “You’re really spontaneous on stage.” So I said, “Oh, well, thank you.” And he said, “Do you consider yourself a spontaneous person?” so I said, “Yeah, I guess so…” So he says, “Well, would you like to go back to my apartment with me?” I’m not that spontaneous — or stupid.

What’s a guaranteed way to get somebody to laugh in bed?
Farting. Somebody says "pull my finger," and I’m on the floor.

How do you recover from that?

Blame the other person. It’s not the kind of thing where you can just walk away and pretend it didn’t happen. Accuse them of poisoning you with a bad dinner or something.

Do you stop and open a window or just keep going?
I just keep going. You only live once, you’ll live through it. Seriously. It’s not anthrax, for Christ’s sake.

Any tips on talking dirty?

Try not to use please and thank you because it kind of negates the whole effect. I’d be like, “Put it in me you big hard man…please?”

You can visit Sherry Davey’s website at www.sherrydavey.com.

Nancy D’Addario

Are there any jokes that have gotten you laid?
I talk about my badonk-a-donk. People like that. I used to do a joke about cleaning special places in the shower that I think actually got me a boyfriend.

What sort of special places?
It’s hard to live with someone else, because sometimes you really need to get clean in the shower, like the lift-and-separate. I think someone was a little interested in that maneuver.

Are there any circumstances in which it’s okay to fake it?
Maybe, if it’s going a really, really long time and you know it’s just gonna make them so much happier if you do.

How long was this relationship?
In college. On and off for six months. And this is something that can discredit me because it’s not what most people think, but I think it’s possible to be too big. Certain positions were not available to us because of certain smallness of mine and bigness of his that made it impossible. Like, “I need to do you on top,” or else there was pain that I couldn’t handle.

How big is too big?
He was six-foot-six and two hundred and sixty pounds, and I’m five-one and one hundred.

What’s the funniest thing that’s happened to you during sex?
In college, I pulled a muscle and couldn’t perform in a show. There was a split incident that was unexpected, and a quadricep that was pulled, and I had to have an understudy go on for me.

During sex?
Not an understudy during sex. I was a performer.

Any tips for talking dirty?
Keep it about sex. One time my girlfriend was talking about a vacuum cleaner — I don’t know why — and the guy she was sleeping with was like, “Shut the fuck up or I’ll throw you out the fucking window.” She was a Chatty Patty.

Laurie Kilmartin

What’s the funniest thing that’s happened to you during sex?
I decided to get rid of my virginity because it had been too long — I was nineteen, but it felt like forty. We were in a bathroom in a dormitory. It was my friend’s ex-boyfriend, so she sort of gave him to me. She knew — we all knew — I wanted it over with. At the end, I was like, "Great! Thanks," and then I never saw him again.

Did he know why you wanted to have sex?
No, but I think he was a little surprised by how abrupt I was when we finished.

Why the bathroom?
I guess she had taken the regular room.

Should people tell their significant others about their wild sexual histories?
I like hearing about a man’s wild past, but I don’t think men like hearing about a woman’s wild past. They try really hard to be cool and accommodating, but it’s a lie and they go insane. Women feel like, "Good, I’ve got one that a lot of women want, I’ve got a top prize." But a guy doesn’t feel like he’s got the top prize if he’s going out with a complete whore.

Making a home video: do’s and don’ts?
Hook your camcorder up to your big-screen TV and you can watch it while you’re doing it. Know that you look worse than you think you do. You’re really not that attractive. Your best option is to let your fantasies go and think you look hot. If you’ve seen how your ass works when you’re getting it from behind, you’ll never do it again.

How do you introduce toys into a new relationship?
Do it fast, and if they’re freaked out by it, leave. They’re not right for you if you like toys and they don’t. You can be politically on opposite sides of the fence — I’m sure Mary Matalin and James Carville use the same toys. Do it early. You’ll find out everything you need to know about a guy when you’re having sex with him. I say have sex early before you have any kind of emotional commitment. You find out if he’s generous or if he’s selfish while he’s doing his best as a lover.

Tips for butt fingering during sex?
I’ve never gotten it, but I have given it and it startled the fuck out of the guy. When I feel like they’re on autopilot, I slip it in, like "Focus. Refocus, immediately." You want to sneak up. Kind of circle around, and then boom! Go in. It’s like a spark plug or something. It’s like plugging a guy in.

Is there a time you should never laugh in bed?
When they’re climaxing. That’s their private moment. I don’t care how funny they look, you need to shut it and just let him finish. And then you can laugh. But not during. It crosses the line.

You can visit Lauri Kilmartin’s website at
www.kilmartin.com.

Sue Costello

What’s the funniest thing that’s happened to you during sex?
I was going to fool around with a guy and my dog kept trying to pull his shorts off. It was the first time we were going to have sex and I think my dog was a little jealous. The guy obviously stopped. That dog was a cockblocker.

Tips for talking dirty?
Make sure you don’t do it in an Irish accent. That never works. It’s just not very sexy. Try using a Russian accent.

How do you handle performance anxiety in the bedroom?

I had a boyfriend who had performance anxiety for about three years.

Three years? How bad was it?
Fairly bad.

He couldn’t get it up at all?
Nothing. Zilch.

What did you do about it?
I waited. He tricked me by telling me all the stories about being in therapy to work through the issues and some bad hang-ups. I tried to help and tell him everything was okay and he told me to put my pants on because the perverts were watching.

What’s a nice way to broach the topic of genital hygiene?
You’re talking to someone who doesn’t really beat around the bush. Actually, that’s it right there for girls, hand them a bar of soap and tell them not to beat around the bush. For guys, tell them they stink and point them toward the shower.

What jokes will get you laid?
It doesn’t matter. If you’re a male comedian, you can look like Elmer Fudd and still get laid. There’s something about girls seeing guys on stage — they think they are bigger then life. They have a cardboard box as an apartment and girls will still go home and blow them.

Guaranteed way to make someone laugh in bed?
When my old boyfriend and I had first had sex he used to do water ballet. You know, when they come out of the water and they put their hands together and swoosh to the side. He did that to transition between positions.

You can visit Sue’s website at www.suecostello.com. 

Sex Advice From… appears every Thursday. Do you have sex-advice questions for the general public? Send them to sexadvicefrom@nerve.com.

Previous Sex Advice

©2004 Nerve.com, Inc.