Not a member? Sign up now
You are single. God, how you are single. So you're perusing acquaintances and friends of friends online. And, really, social networking is a great innovation — invisible and embarrassment-free trolling for relationships and sex. Still, the process can be imprecise: how many times have you "known" a person only through Facebook, deemed them the worst kind of tasteless and unthinking sap because they used the wrong "there" or listed Armageddon as one their favorite movies, only to meet them face-to-face and discover a nice, smart, thoughtful person with a pretty strong argument as to why Armageddon is a decent movie?
So it's important not to judge. But sometimes you have to. You really have to. Some social-networking infractions are indefensible. If you're doing any of the following, shape up ASAP:
1) You're drunk in your profile pic
No doubt your profile pic has been selected to express the free spirit that you are, and that all of your closest friends know you to be, but other people don't know you. Other people don't know you. When you're looking at a picture of someone holding their drink conspicuously out of frame, which is so very Jenna, you have to ask yourself if Jenna has any self-awareness.
2) Your photos are all taken at a deceptive angle
Yes, we all have our "good sides," but when your good side dominates all of your profile pics, something is wrong. Maybe you're not nature's most perfect beauty (and this is okay!), but if you can't accept your own physical shortcomings, it won't make for a very comfortable or honest dating experience.
3) You tirelessly list minutiae in status updates
This argument is both strengthened and made redundant by Twitter. People don't want to know every one of your daily activities, and this includes different difficult desserts you might be into baking, like, all the time. People like funny links, interesting articles, and a wide variety of "Single Ladies" videos. I am sorry if your car is fucked-up or your dog is sick, but I don't need the valuable thought-space in my mind-mind filled with the same white noise we all experience daily.
4) You're a shameless self-promoter
In fairness, many of my friends shamelessly self-promote. In this age, if you want to get noticed, you have to yell as loud and often as you can into the ether of the internet and hope that someone is listening. I understand, but that doesn't mean it's not obnoxious. All that we can ask is not to be tagged in one of your million notes.
5) You "like" everything
Stop liking things! Not all things are to be liked!
6) You are too engaged in a particular application
From the looks of your wall, it seems as if you play Castle Conquest all the time. I am not sure how I feel about this. I guess I wish you played Castle Conquest a little less. I'm trying not to be judgmental about the things you find fun, but Castle Conquest is a very difficult obstacle for me to overcome if I am to grow to eventually love you in our potential relationship.
7) You have entire albums of you and your friends taken in Photo Booth
Distorting photos of your face so it looks all craaaaaaazzy is funny, but not to other people. "Ha ha! That is not what I look like! That is not what I look like at all!" seems to be the message you want your Facebook friends to get. Yeah, we know what you look like.
8) I'm not sure if your profile is real or a spambot
You are shamelessly self-promotional, yet your profile is full of non-human spambot buzz-words. However, your profile picture is of a real-life attractive lady, so I am intrigued. You keep asking me to look at your pictures, which are probably naked and of you, but I'm not sure if you're a real naked lady or a symbolic naked lady trying to get me to look at your site. I do not condone this kind of equivocal behavior, but soldier on.
9) You give dumb virtual gifts
I am not sure what you're trying to express by giving me a dog-with-a-sideways-party-hat e-card or a fight-breast-cancer teacup. If you gave me either of these in real life I'd probably be really flattered, but when you post them to my wall with no explanation on my birthday, we'll go with "baffled."
10) You have poked anyone, ever
Don't do it. It is weird.