You are single. God, how you are single. So you're perusing acquaintances and friends of friends online. And, really, social networking is a great innovation — invisible and embarrassment-free trolling for relationships and sex. Still, the process can be imprecise: how many times have you "known" a person only through Facebook, deemed them the worst kind of tasteless and unthinking sap because they used the wrong "there" or listed Armageddon as one their favorite movies, only to meet them face-to-face and discover a nice, smart, thoughtful person with a pretty strong argument as to why Armageddon is a decent movie?

So it's important not to judge. But sometimes you have to. You really have to. Some social-networking infractions are indefensible. If you're doing any of the following, shape up ASAP:

1) You're drunk in your profile pic
No doubt your profile pic has been selected to express the free spirit that you are, and that all of your closest friends know you to be, but other people don't know you. Other people don't know you. When you're looking at a picture of someone holding their drink conspicuously out of frame, which is so very Jenna, you have to ask yourself if Jenna has any self-awareness.

2) Your photos are all taken at a deceptive angle
Yes, we all have our "good sides," but when your good side dominates all of your profile pics, something is wrong. Maybe you're not nature's most perfect beauty (and this is okay!), but if you can't accept your own physical shortcomings, it won't make for a very comfortable or honest dating experience.

3) You tirelessly list minutiae in status updates
This argument is both strengthened and made redundant by Twitter. People don't want to know every one of your daily activities, and this includes different difficult desserts you might be into baking, like, all the time. People like funny links, interesting articles, and a wide variety of "Single Ladies" videos. I am sorry if your car is fucked-up or your dog is sick, but I don't need the valuable thought-space in my mind-mind filled with the same white noise we all experience daily.

4) You're a shameless self-promoter
In fairness, many of my friends shamelessly self-promote. In this age, if you want to get noticed, you have to yell as loud and often as you can into the ether of the internet and hope that someone is listening. I understand, but that doesn't mean it's not obnoxious. All that we can ask is not to be tagged in one of your million notes.

5) You "like" everything
Stop liking things! Not all things are to be liked!

6) You are too engaged in a particular application
From the looks of your wall, it seems as if you play Castle Conquest all the time. I am not sure how I feel about this. I guess I wish you played Castle Conquest a little less. I'm trying not to be judgmental about the things you find fun, but Castle Conquest is a very difficult obstacle for me to overcome if I am to grow to eventually love you in our potential relationship.

7) You have entire albums of you and your friends taken in Photo Booth
Distorting photos of your face so it looks all craaaaaaazzy is funny, but not to other people. "Ha ha! That is not what I look like! That is not what I look like at all!" seems to be the message you want your Facebook friends to get. Yeah, we know what you look like.

8) I'm not sure if your profile is real or a spambot
You are shamelessly self-promotional, yet your profile is full of non-human spambot buzz-words. However, your profile picture is of a real-life attractive lady, so I am intrigued. You keep asking me to look at your pictures, which are probably naked and of you, but I'm not sure if you're a real naked lady or a symbolic naked lady trying to get me to look at your site. I do not condone this kind of equivocal behavior, but soldier on.

9) You give dumb virtual gifts
I am not sure what you're trying to express by giving me a dog-with-a-sideways-party-hat e-card or a fight-breast-cancer teacup. If you gave me either of these in real life I'd probably be really flattered, but when you post them to my wall with no explanation on my birthday, we'll go with "baffled."

10) You have poked anyone, ever
Don't do it. It is weird.

Commentarium (33 Comments)

Nov 16 09 - 11:38am
wer

Shameless self-promotion is a HUGE turn-off, that's a great one.

Nov 16 09 - 12:53pm
kb

Heyyyy, we all have poked and been poked. Let us not judge, most of us know better now

Nov 17 09 - 1:35am
el

@kb - Most of us do know better now, but what about those poor unfortunate souls that still poke? I don't feel like educating anyone on the annoying weirdness of poking. Do we work with them and try to educate them, or do we move on altogether and find someone new?

Nov 16 09 - 8:19pm
jl

So, superpoke is right out?

Nov 16 09 - 11:26pm
jdub

@sq: "procrasturbate". classic.

Nov 18 09 - 6:19pm
EM

Don't forget: You're "married" as a joke. Or, like me, no relationship status displayed.

Nov 20 09 - 1:27pm
cb

Poking is what brought me and my bf together!

Jun 18 11 - 12:24pm
wat

Wrong type of poking...

Nov 20 09 - 10:55am
uj

The app thing could be misleading though. If FB registers it every time you visit it's page for news, download updates automatically, or whatever - it could very well look like you play more frequently than you do, and you don't really have any control over that except to hide it altogether on your profile.

Nov 20 09 - 7:43pm
AW

What if you actually want to "POKE" someone ? Thean are you allowed to poke them ?

Nov 21 09 - 2:18am
ck

*pokes you

Nov 22 09 - 11:38pm
PAL

Well, I dunno about you guys, but I poke in FB when I want to alert my friends that I've made a move in an online game we're playing...

May 29 11 - 7:18pm
ha

hahahaha

nice.

Jan 20 10 - 11:44am
M

you are a boring person, thats probably why feel you have to write a book about how to behave on facebook.

Feb 17 10 - 8:28pm
JH

In my opinion, if you have a facebook page, that IS the red flag. Attractive, intelligent, confident, datable grown-ups don't have facebook pages. They have lives.

May 21 11 - 5:53pm
anon

I love you...haha...I dont even know ur gender, and yet, I dont even care bc this statement is THAT amazing. Thank you for proving there are still people who see FB for the joke that it is.

Jun 18 11 - 12:26pm
wat

I use FB as a way to keep in touch with friends and diabolical cohorts that I otherwise wouldn't be able to contact. It's not practical to have 200 numbers in my phone and I live 1,000 miles away from where I originally grew up from.

Feb 18 10 - 2:57pm
Stat

@PAL
We just told you not to play games on facebook. You just broke 2 rules in one post.

Mar 06 10 - 12:55am
anrc

JH, facebook is now a priceless networking and organizing tool, meaning that anyone who organizes people for political/community action and doesn't have a facebook is, in fact, some combination of unintelligent, unconfident and undateable. Where I go to school, anyway, the only intelligent, confident and dateable (by my standards) people are organizers.

Mar 07 10 - 10:55pm
Ray

Don't forget pity posts. I think that's actually one of the biggest alarm bells when you notice a wall littered with cries for sympathy

Mar 14 10 - 10:25am
NuNu

This was lame. No wonder you're writing about being single, you must have a lot of experience in this field. Unless this complete waste of time sh*tty ass blog is indeed a joke I am not cunning enough to see the discrete humor in.
You suck. Get a life.

Mar 18 10 - 4:50pm
HuH

don`t take fb to seriously:D

Mar 24 10 - 7:03pm
GAY

OK.

Jul 29 10 - 10:31pm
www.winpromote.com

Hey ,I really enjoyed reading what you had to say.You have lots of good ideas.This is really a great stuff.Keep going.Thanks for sharing.

Sep 23 10 - 3:12pm
Me!

Facebook dating? Why don't you just stop looking round facebook for a partner and actually go out??

Oct 17 10 - 5:00pm
elliev

I agree: the poking thing is weird. I always roll my eyes when someone pokes me. It's just weird.

Nov 12 10 - 5:31pm
ms

"Attractive, intelligent, confident, datable grown-ups don't have facebook pages. They have lives." PLEASE. I've heard that one before.

Jan 09 11 - 7:19pm
flameon

@ms - If I may extend your comment; I am not a big fan of FaceBook, nor do I use Twitter or for that matter watch TV, however I am repulsed whenever I hear someone make a snobish remark insinuating they are better than the people who do engage in those normal pastimes. What I do learn from people who say: "Attractive, intelligent, confident, datable grown-ups don't have facebook pages. They have lives." is they are an unpleasant snob who I would not wish to associate with. Does that make me a snob?

Jan 14 11 - 8:38pm
Betsy

Not at all! I completely agree with you

Feb 15 11 - 10:16am
Tony

Are you fed up with sending girls Friends Requests only to be completely ignored or rejected? It’s hard, if not impossible to pick up a girl on Facebook if you aren’t “Friends” yet if you ready to find out few successful tricks and tips, check out this new site http://fbsexguide.com/

Jun 18 11 - 12:27pm
wat

OH DEAR JEBUS I'VE WAITED SO LONG FOR A LINK LIKE THIS! THANK YOU SO MUCH

/sarcasm

Nov 16 11 - 7:06pm
og

i got a fb to keep track of my teens..it worked very well,especially since i could send a pm and threaten to post publicly if they got out of line,only had to once.

Feb 28 12 - 2:04pm
JFK

this is shit, now that ive got your attention this ... still a piece of shit