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1. I was on my way to a Super Bowl party when I thought, “Geez, I'm really excited to see this year's Super Bowl!” Then I thought: “Wait — no I'm not.”
2. The Super Bowl is the definition of mandatory fun — one of those things you have pretend to enjoy just because everyone else seems to enjoy it. Other mandatory fun: hiking, Bruce Springsteen, karaoke.
3. By the way, when did they pass that law that says everyone's birthday party has to be a karaoke birthday party?
4. The worst thing about a Super Bowl party is when it's finished, and you're drunk, tired and full of chili, and it's 11:30 p.m. on a Sunday and you have a long walk home. Par-ty!
5. It was really amazing to see how the Eagles' Terrell Owens came back from that ankle injury to have nine receptions for 122 yards. I don't really think that. I just copied it from the newspaper.
6. I got tired of hearing how New England's Tom Brady gets “no respect.” The guy is 26 years old, makes millions of dollars, dates a hot Hollywood actress, and has won three Super Bowls. I wish someone would disrespect me like that.
7. There's always that guy at the Super Bowl party who's super-duper into the game. I hate that guy.
8. I also hate the guy who shushes people during the commercial breaks, as if the commercials are lost Dylan tracks or undiscovered speeches of Mahatma Gandhi or something. Dude, they're commercials!
9. But people are really into those commercials. And yet twenty-four hours later, I can't remember a single one of them. Wait: there was one with a goldfish who smoked cigars, right? If there wasn't, they should definitely use that idea next year.
10. And also: I can't wait to see that movie where Will Smith teaches Kevin James how to dance so he can meet women. Do you ever just wish that Hollywood would just sink into the earth's core?
11. I was not looking forward to Paul McCartney at the halftime show but I have to admit that the old guy won me over. People at my party were trashing him, but how can you not like fireworks and “Live and Let Die?”
12. I wonder how many people heard “Live and Let Die” and wondered what the fuck Axl Rose is doing these days.
13. It was nice how they didn't have any cameos during the halftime show. I was really bracing for Mick Jagger or Sheryl Crow to pop up, and thank God it didn't happen.
14. But you know Mick and Sheryl were sitting at home, saying, “Man, Paul must have got some sweet-ass loot for that shit.”
15. I loved those teenagers they brought out on the field to shake their arms like insane crackheads during the halftime show. They must have told those kids that Paul McCartney was Ryan Cabrera's uncle or something.
16. If you hated Paul McCartney, whom would you have suggested as an alternative? It's not like they're booking the Arcade Fire, fancypants.
17. Besides, twenty years from now, you're going to have to listen to your kid whining, “What's with those geezers Franz Ferdinand playing the halftime show!”
18. By the way, if you're surprised the Patriots won, just look at the startling turnover differential. Okay, I copied that from the newspaper, too.
19. I felt bad for Jacksonville, because all these people who traveled the Super Bowl were ragging on their city, as if people who travel to Super Bowls are international experts on cultured living. People who travel to Super Bowls' idea of cultured living is eating buffalo wings off a hooker in a white limo.
20. It's the white limo that makes that joke. The rest of it is kind of third-rate Craig Kilborn.
21. Okay, maybe this whole thing is third-rate Craig Kilborn.
22. Do you think those people who paint their faces to go to a sporting event and scream all game are, deep down, really good people who are just healthily letting off steam? Yeah, neither did I.
23. Mike Ditka has some crazy-ass hair.
24. Are there really people in this country who argue over light beer?
25. I would like to live Tom Brady's life just for one night. Of course, that would wind up being the night his girlfriend is out of town, and he orders take-out chimichangas and falls asleep watching One Tree Hill.
26. By the way, I didn't mean to offend the karaoke nuts out there. I just can think of better ways to celebrate a birthday than to listen to fifteen people scream Phil Collins at me.
27. Both of the Patriots and Eagles have terrible uniforms. But at least the Eagles' uniforms have wings on them and stuff. I have no idea what's going on with the Patriots uniform, which looks like a plain white uniform that Uncle Sam threw up on.
28. No matter who wins, I never get excited for the winning owner.
29. I can't believe I managed to get through that thing without mentioning Janet Jackson's boob.
©2005 Adam Boyle & Nerve.com.